Pay Attention, Now

There are several things I'm looking forward to.
All of them good of course;
Knowing that they'll be here soon is wonderful,
Even if it may take a while.

Happy,
Exhausted,
Excited.
Dirty room, clear mind, rainy skies, warm body.

The end.

Exuding Homeyness

This past weekend I went to Trenton, South Carolina, PEACH CAPITAL OF THE WORLD, to visit Soleil McAuley.
Oh goodness it was so fun. I really truly missed her, and felt like I hadn't seen her in ages. And I met a good deal of her family and spent lots of time with them.
They seem like really nice people if they actually aren't.
Their house is on some beautiful property (even if it is in the middle of nowhere), and the house itself is beautiful. There is lots of greenery. They have two dogs, Bonnie and Josie, and a bird, Sonny. They have their own garden with tomatoes, peppers, basil and other herbs. They recycle, and have a compost pile. They keep everything neat and tidy, but it still exudes a subtle luxury that somehow remains homey.
They eat all of their meals together and from what I could tell, are very polite.
They seem exactly like the type of family I would have if I were to already have my own family. how I would raise my kids, how I would keep my house.. It was just... exactly the kind of elegant aestheticism.
And spending so much time with Soleil was just splendid.
The first night, we stayed up and did ourselves up in Lady GaGa inspired pictures. It's too bad that we're too embarrassed by them to put them on FB. Haha, they'd be a gas.. :)
We took soooo many pictures, and a good deal of them just turned out excellently. It was positively wonderful. I was so glad that I got to go. I felt so refreshed when I left.
It was just a great experience.
I'm very tired. I should sleep now. But I'm glad I got to put down to keys what a great weekend it was :)

You Spin Me Round

It seems like every where you turn there's hypocritical b.s.

Everyone that you think you can rely on, is actually not worthy of an ounce of your trust. People that are SUPPOSED to be reliable, people whose job description is meant to include things like, RELIABILITY, and HONESTY.

The more you depend upon these manipulative people, the more they're able to manipulate you, leading you not only to distrust yourself, but to also distrust the people who - miraculously - are honest with you!

There just seem to be so many instances in my life where, the people who I grew up counting on to be there for me and to set a good example, are people that now, I have to forgive for all of their whopper-size-mistakes.

Multiple people in my life - people in the church - have had affairs, not just like, one couple. Try three. And those are only the KNOWN affairs.

And it's not just that fact that you cheated on your husband and wife; it's not just the fact that you deceived your children; it's not the fact that you were in a position of power where the whole church is looking to you as a moral compass; it's the way you handled it too.

Whenever I've done anything wrong - granted, none of my mistakes were adultery - but when I've done anything wrong in my life, I've had to sit around and accept the consequences, I'd have to wait and see whatever damage it was that I had caused to those around me. Two of the three couples that cheated on their spouses fled. They didn't remain to see the church they left behind.
Beyond just avoiding their problem, they also ignored it. One of the three couples acted as if the adulterating had not even occurred. They remain in a state of delusion in reference to themselves, and attempted deception to those that already know of their actions.

One of the three couples separated. Which means, obviously, that two of the three couples remained together. Be it for the sake of their children, or to save face, or for themselves, to maintain their facade.

It's infuriating to think that people who can be so... misguided, are continuing to misguide others.

_________________________________________________



On a different note, one of the couples, who stayed together, stayed to see what their consequences might be, and also acknowledged their wrong-doing, recently had a child together - 18 months ago.
This baby boy has been in the hospital for 18 months.
There have been gastrointestinal problems.
There have been heart problems.
There have been lots of complications.
He has down syndrome.

Solely on judging this situation, it looks as though God is punishing them, but how can that make sense? The people who are trying their best to do what is right in the eyes of God and accepting responsibility, are the ones who seem to be punished the most.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they're happy with their new baby boy who's already had so much trouble in this crazy world where he's only bound to have more trouble.
But more likely than not, this has been all the more difficult on them, knowing that they've been unfaithful.

It's hard for me to accept that God is a malicious and unforgiving God.
I believe that God is merciful, and gracious; powerful, but wonderful.
I'm a firm believer in "God has a plan through all things, even when we don't understand".

Yet, it's hard to believe that through all of the frustrating problems we are presented with.

Check this Hand Cause I'm Marvelous

I made an exciting discovery today.
I CAN do stuff that I set my mind to, so long as it's simple enough.
I won't post what it is that I created until after this weekend, just in case Soleil reads this blog and ruins the surprise! :)

Because it's for HER! :D

And I'm pretty sure she'll love it.

Tell the Truth with Lies

That's what this writer's creed thing, that my Grandmother gave me once, said.

After I sang, to Ashley, that song I wrote, and she was very complimentary of it, I kind of thought about my writing and...
I've decided to start writing again. Or at least not be ashamed of my writing.
If I ever get inspired, write down whatever phrase or verse comes to mind and run with it.
I have a lot from twitter that, in retrospect, just seem poetic. Or have the potential to be poetic.
So even if it's a song, or just a stanza to a poem that never gets finished but might inspire a story, I intend to write it down.

I'm frustrated with Liz. I was supposed to live with her, and she just decided, out of the blue (or so it seemed to me) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. I wouldn't have taken it personally except she got kind of snarky/testy whenever I asked her even a bit more about it.
The best laid plans of mice and men...
Oh well.

Life moves on and I'm looking forward to school starting again in a about a month. Moving in, having my own life. Being able to see people every day, have something to do all of the time. Learn :)
<3
Like I said in that earlier blog, I'm excited to see where the next few years takes me.
It's weird to be thinking so far ahead, or saying it that way, but I guess... I'm getting older now. So I should be thinking that far ahead, right?

PS: wicked burn. I feel like my legs are on fire. It's not a whole lot of fun.
At least the lake house with Rachel was fun :)

This Strange Sensation

All of a sudden, I'm kind of taking an inventory of my life, and I feel like I'm almost where I need to be.
Like, an overwhelming sense of self, and understanding of life plans and all such nonsense.
Really, like this very moment.
I feel like I basically know who I am, and what I want in life and just...
Not happy.
But good.
If that makes sense.
I'm in a good place right now, and I have this feeling like, everything will get better from here. At least for a while.
It's a nice feeling.

Redundant.

How is it possible that my life is so absurdly redundant?
I decided today that I would write prison inmates. Possibly not the smartest thing I've ever done. But whatever. It would've been mostly platonic. I liked the idea of writing someone who might possibly be interested in responding to my letters.
I liked the idea of having a friend who was possibly misunderstood. And just really wanted someone to talk to. I could've been that person.
Anyway, my mom mentioned that she had looked in my room for a few things that she thought might be in here, and much like the time they found drug paraphernalia in my room, they found letters I had just written to inmates in various prisons..
Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, ok. I get that taking care of my safety is important.
But mother definitely got online and checked these people out. Their profiles too. Accusing me of just.. idk. Inappropriate behavior which was frustrating.
I don't like feeling like I'm mistrusted.
Or feel like I can't trust the people I live with.
I want a padlock on my door.

I Smell Children

The other day, Katie and Drew were arguing about when we were playing baseball in the pool. It bothered me, but I'm not their parents. I tried to get them to stop arguing, but they wouldn't, so I was just like "alright, game over" and that was that.
But today I was thinking, where do kids learn to argue? Is it ingrained in them since birth? Are we all predisposed to have disagreements with our family/friends/whoever? Are we meant to argue?
And maybe it was just my opinions talking, but a lot of what you learn is from your parents. So, do their parents argue a lot, or are they uninvolved? Is that why the kids argue? Is it excessive amounts of Disney channel or unmonitored games on their 12 year olds' xbox?
I don't know what it is, but I can safely say that I hope things aren't arguments all the time in my family. My future family, a family of my own when I'm older.
And then, dwelling on that a bit more, we mimic who we spend the most time with. People often imitate those the spend time with, even if they don't mean to. Little phrases here, or a habit there. So it's important that we choose friends wisely. You can't choose your family, obviously (ugh, cliches), but that doesn't mean that you can't decide what behaviors you imitate.
These were just some things I was thinking about today.

Say

Never give up, no never give up,
If you're looking for something easy,
you might as well give it up.
-Cat Power

Saw Aaron Walchli off today. He's back to Florida again for a few months.
Before he came to Ashley (West's), she and I were messing around up in her room. I ended up just playing her guitar, and then we started talking about boys, and songs ect.. and I played her the song I wrote in the 9th grade about a boy...
Soooo embarassing. It was the first time I'd ever played it for anyone.
But she said it was surprisingly well written. That I should be a professional songwriter. haha. And that she'd never heard me actually sing before, but that I sang really well :)
What a compliment!

Anyway, it was just an interesting little comment that had been sitting in my head for a while.
Then I went to look in my book of writing stuff and just look over what I used to write. And looking back on it now, some of it really is pretty good. I remember that less than a year after I wrote a lot of it, I went back and was like "wow, I'm lame". But a few more years distant, I'm glad I wrote it down. Admittedly, some of it is just like "yo, you should not hold a pen to paper. Ever." but a lot of it is decent.

Lines like "it was tangibly sweet, though you were diabetic"
I guess that are quirky things that good songwriters are aware of, perhaps?
I'm not sure. But I just started thinking, huh. I should work more on rounding myself out in the arts.
I've got music down pretty well. Art is getting better, either in crafting, or in photography. I definitely need to get sketching/drawing better. Languages I'm still pretty good I think. I just need to work on writing.
Then all I'll have left is dance, but that shouldn't be too complicated.. :) hahaha

If Not Twitter

If I didn't have a twitter, I wouldn't have been able to relay all the events of this week.

7.4.10
Arrive in Florence. No one is about but Brody. We were bored. We had a water fight. He made lots of sexual references that, coming from Brody, I deemed kind of awkward. But it's not very important. Anyway, we watched a few fireworks, and I slept in Carrie's room, that was essentially my evening. Nothing to really write home about.

7.5.10
I went to Francis Marion with Brody for lack of anything better to do. I played piano. I visited the housing office. I read some of "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I don't know how much I like John Irving by the way. As I was sitting in the LSF building, I was right behind the soda machine for a while, and was thinking, how strange it is, that someone getting a soda, could be the person who in 2 or 3 years' time, is asking me out on a date, or even crazier, to get married. It just crossed my mind that life seems to be a lot about Chance. That you never know who you could have already crossed paths with and who just might be a big part of your life, when only a week ago, they walked past you and you didn't even notice. Then I also so PH. Shocking enough. Further impressing upon me that life seems to be Chance more than choice.
I went swimming with Liz later that evening and had dinner with her family. They had a fun little family rave, and I got to see Tom a bit more. Apparently he's going to FMU next year, which should be fun because I'll see him more and he'll also probably be at the apartment a lot. Lol. He seems like a sweet kid :)
Later that night, I decided that I would stay at Megan's. Carrie had smoked some before we drove over and was wigging out because when we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that the clock there said that it was July 5, 1989. Which I pointed out to her. She freaked, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we had burst through a hole in the space time continuum and what would we do if we had traveled back in time? Our families would be elsewhere, our friends wouldn't be anywhere near, we had strange cell-phones, and a later model of car. We would be outsiders with no money and few means. It sufficiently scared her, and almost drew me in... but it was funny :)
That night was the first night that Josh Carrie and I slept in the water bed. We all cuddled really close, and were warm and cozy. Haha. Very snuggily. lol.

7.6.10
We also went to FMU on Tuesday, and hung out with Megan some. PH was there, and I convinced Carrie to swim with us, somehow. Sometimes my luck is purely... fantastic. We swam for like, 30 minutes then had to get out. PH came over to the house and hung out for apparently a long time. I don't remember a period of separation. We cuddle in the house with everyone. Then when they left, we talked. I explained everything that he didn't understand about what had happened. And when he discovered everything, he felt he had to leave, but Carrie came back, and I wanted to be up there with her, and so did he, so he stayed. But I remember they left again later, and things were still awkward. So we were separate for a while. I guess he felt bad, and I can understand. It was just difficult. We went to Taco Bell later, and things were no less estranged. I drank later that night. He did not. I barely remember him leaving. I just remember being sad.

7.7.10
Mom and Dad had to come fix my tire. That was so terribly awkward. My friends had all gone, except for Brody while they were fixing the tire. They returned the last 10 minutes of the tire changing. I was so worried my parents knew they were high. Petrified even. It's all I could think about. For nearly 24 hours. Slept with Carrie and Josh again.

7.8.10
We got crunk, and then drove. For ever it seemed. We were so bored. We didn't know what else to do. So we just drove. There was a 2 or 3 hour break in between the drive, but we didn't notice it. Well, I didn't notice it anyway. It felt like we were in the car all the day long. We went to Timmonsville, unexpectedly. That's what happens when you just drive with no notion of where you're going. Just following your feet. Although, I sincerely hope that if I'm just following my feet someplace, that I end up somewhere much more interesting than the run-down glory that is Timmonsville. As we drove, at one point we sang along to Eleanor Rigby. I was kind of surprised to find us all singing along, but we were. The only one we all sang to... Then we came back. For a while, Josh and I were the only ones in bed because Carrie was reading. We had fallen asleep with our arms around each other by the time Carrie came in. She said the next morning that he had been making funny noises in the night.. lol. We slept the three of us together in bed for the last night.

7.9.10
I tried to leave early, but none of the 3 of us wanted to get out of bed. haha. We were all awake at 7:30, but it was raining, so we all went back to bed. A few hours later, we all were awake again, but didn't feel like moving still, so we talked for a half hour or so about all sorts of things, but eventually fell asleep again. This happened 2 or 3 times, until we finally decided around 11 that we ought to get up :) We didn't do much. Just spent more time together. I tried to leave early, but I forgot things and had to backtrack. Carrie finally left, and I left Josh at the house. It was so strange to leave. I gave them all hugs and we parted ways. I stopped by Starbucks, and talked to Joseph and August. I was surprised at Joseph yet again. It's odd to think that not too long ago, I saw him pretty frequently, and talked to him pretty often as well. He still seems to like me well enough though, and we talked for a bit. Actually, like half an hour. Just about things that had been going on in our lives. Pretty superficially, but nonetheless, he and I can talk a bit. Then I left to try and meet up with Matthew and Melanie. We met at Red Lobster, and although I only meant to stay until their meal came, I was there for the whole thing. Which was fine actually, because 1. I missed Matthew terribly. I feel like I hadn't seen him since May or early early June. 2. They always eat well.. lol. Point being, I meant to leave Florence by 5:30 at the latest, and didn't end up leaving until closer to 7:40... But I made it back to Charleston in an hour and a half, like a Champ!

I'm very tired, but so so glad I went and saw Carrie and Josh and Megan and Liz and Brody and all of the others.
I feel like I'm going to be very close to a different group of people this semester. And I like that :) It's good to make friends.
And hopefully, I'll get the job at Starbucks that I applied for today! Fingers crossed and let's hope that my luck is lasting :/