The End

Today I finished the final episode of Buffy.
It's been less than a month, right? I'm pretty sure it has. At least in relation to time spent watching.

Spike died in flames. I had no idea.

My heart is broken in two. He was my favorite.

Literally a piece of my heart is missing.

It's gonna take time for me to get over this.

... Of course I cried. Don't ask such a silly question.

Secondhand Heartbreak

Several days ago, my best friend called and told me that he and his long-time girlfriend had split up.

He called early in the morning. He never calls early in the morning.

Especially not sounding like he's going to cry.

He never cries.

Not when his Dad died.

Not when some other girl he really liked turned him down.

Not when he was kicked out of school or couldn't take exams.

He hasn't cried since he was really little. Years and years and years ago.

But now he calls me and all he wants to do is cry.

He said he wanted to cry.

He said he was going to cry.

He said he felt like he was dying.

He said he wanted to die.

That's a lot to handle as a wake-up call and no fore-warning.

I should've known. When I saw him that weekend.

... I should've known.

But there's nothing I could've done. I just waited and talked to him and tried to calm him down, but it was scary.

Almost, but not so much as when I witnessed a friends psychotic breakdown. That was terrifying.

But this... I couldn't do anything about this. I couldn't hold him, or stay with him to make sure he'd be alright.

I was helpless against his raging emotions.

Not against, he wasn't upset with me, but I couldn't help him feel better.

And knowing how much this was affecting him...

just hurt

more than I thought I could feel about a situation where I really didn't belong.

In a matter of Moments

Well, I'm a little happy right now.
I didn't think about what I was going to write about until I sat down and started writing this. I'm in the computer lab and I didn't realize I only have 20 minutes till class starts.

But I guess I'll write about this past weekend. I went home and it was not nearly as refreshing as I thought it would be for several reasons. But it also opened my eyes a bit.

I always say I love and miss my sister a lot. This weekend however, she was more interested in what was going on in her own life than seeing what I was up to. Or wanting to spend time with me. She hasn't seen me since Christmas. And I realize that she has a lot going on, not just a lot, but far too much: Robotics, softball, IB, a job. She's spreading herself far too thin for one 16 year old girl. But such is what she's made her life. Anyway, I missed her and wanted to see her.

My parents on the other hand, I realized, they always want me home. Well, I knew that part. But what really came to frustrate me was what we all did when they finally managed to get me home. They didn't want to talk. Morgan had softball games. So Dad was there. Mom had homework. So what did I do the majority of my Saturday? Sat and watched TV. Now, I understand that as parents, they miss me. But why the hell would you want me to come home if you're not going to concern yourselves with even communicating with me when I am? It just seems all very stupid.

Beyond parents, I visited my grandmother, and that surely was a frustrating visit too. She wanted to lecture me on loving my parents for who they are and appreciating all they do for me. I suppose it's true, they do a lot. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't respect them and appreciate their actions. But to go so far as to imply that problems are my fault or that I don't appreciate them enough is slightly infuriating. At the very least upsetting. For her to think that I'm disrespectful of them when they don't deserve it. I can appreciate them as parents, but they aren't that great of people. I know I don't have a perfect moral compass, but hell, who does? And I know they don't. So I don't like being told that I'm essentially a bad kid for feeling the way I feel, and more so, that I'm not justified.

Seeing old friends: well, I only saw one whom I haven't seen in ages. It's so odd. Whenever I see him, things just click into place. Like there's no where else in the world that I want to be. We just have an effortless understanding. I really miss him. I hate that we hardly ever see each other and that we're not attracted to each other that way. He's my best friend, and we hardly ever really speak. But we still just GET each other. I still know what he's thinking without saying it. I hate it, and I love it, and I miss it.

Ridiculous adolescence...