Mood: Melancholy, Status: Confused

Still can't stop replaying last week.
It's stupid. I can't shut it off.
Like a theater with surround sound and I'm stuck inside and can't leave and it just keeps coming back to me.

I wish there was more stuff to do here, because then I'd have other things to do and think about and this nonsense would stop plaguing me, but I don't.

I'm stuck on repeat.

If only I could say "in other news..."

Um.. I guess I could say that

'In other news', I keep coming to the realization that my life is never what I really want it to be. Something's always missing or just out of grasp so that paradise is just out of reach.

It really felt so close, if only for a moment.

oh the mistakes we make

...

I throw my hands up in the air and sigh.

What more can I do than what's already been done?
Hold out for the better, wait for the worst?

Sit at a standstill and let my stomach churn?...


I give up on thinking I know what's best in this situation anymore.

... Easy as Pie

I wish all things were..

I forgot that when someone you like kisses you, your stomach flutters... It's been awhile.
I can't stop thinking all sorts of things about it, even though I know I shouldn't and it doesn't matter. But I didn't start this. It wasn't my fault.

It's just on repeat, the events of that night.
He shouldn't have kissed me, even if I wanted him to.

I didn't ask for this.

"Oh I wish I could go to the ball"

And then Fairy Godmother appears.

I have no ball to go to, but since yesterday I've been feeling a little less excited about going home.

Only a little (because I'm still so excited about cleaning/organizing/re-painting my room. As well as the many little projects I've got planned), but still enough to not want to go home as much.
Mum and I got in a bit of a tiff yesterday. For a few days now I've mentioned that she (or someone) should come up and get a few things so I don't have to carry down every damn thing by myself. You'd think that'd be reasonable, yes? I didn't carry up everything by myself. And there's hella stuff in my room. It's going to take a full day most likely for me to pack everything and carry it all down 4 flights of stairs. And then back up. All by myself.
Shit. Apparently it's an impossibility for someone to get the microwave and refrigerator that they senselessly bought me.
Dumb. Completely idiotic.

I have no trash bags, and they're expecting me to carry all of my clothes down in laundry bags.

WHAT THE FUCK MOM.

I realize it's not thatttt big of an issue. It's just stuff, and who knows, maybe it won't take that long. But that's not the only thing that frustrated me.

Mum and Morgan both made a joke about how excited they were for me to come back. So I could cook and clean.
Hence, Cinderella.
Nothing else to be excited about whatsoever. Purely - hey, Andersen will be free to do the shit that we've been putting off and too preoccupied to take care of ourselves.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. It just seems like, it's not a joke to say that's all I'm good for when it comes to that family. To clean-up after them.

Maybe it would be different if Morgan didn't make herself so busy, or if Dad wasn't a misogynist (maybe not that extreme, but presumes he's married to June Cleaver), or Mom wasn't a workaholic - probably trying her best to avoid being home.

I suppose if you were to look at my family and try and diagnose all of our problems, mine would be I try to avoid my family. And why shouldn't I? It seems like they're all trying to avoid me too.

Maybe I'm playing the role of 'angsty-teen' again in some absurd teen-movie-melodrama, but I'm agitated by it. I can't really help it. I don't like feeling neglected.
And I mention melodrama because I know that things are tough all over for everyone, and many more times over worse for other people, but it's how I view the situation.

But maybe people will come visit over the summer, and I'll be able to get away, so hope's not lost all just yet.

Sippin on Sunshine, Relaxing in Rome

It was just such a lovely day yesterday.

I mean, I had math, and there was a quiz, and then after that I had computer science, but... ah. What a lovely day.

I still had half a handle of that disgusting vodka, and so I said to Brody that we should go out and drink it. During the middle of a Thursday. And because Patrick hadn't drunk in a while either, and he really wanted to, I knew I wanted to invite him too.
And goodness, what an excellent idea of mine it was :)

We went to the Arboretum. It sounds all cool and exciting, truth is, it's only a bunch of trees and a clearing. But still, it's separated from campus and kind of a nice place for hiking and such.

Anyway, we found one area, kind of in the shade, and a little separated from the big open area by some trees. And sat down, and started taking shots.

At first, it wasn't all that fun. We were all a little awkward, just taking shots almost mechanically (maybe because McCormick's is the most disgusting stuff ever) and didn't have all that much to say.
But after 1/4 a handle we were all laughing, and taking pictures, and just having the best of best of times.

Reasoning:
It's springtime, and where we were was the perfect setting. Not a soul to worry about bothering us, just sitting in this beautiful clearing. There was sunshine, and all of the birds were chirping. There was a slight wind to go with the bits of sunshine that peaked through shade. I was with my friends. We were laughing, and talking, and it was just... one of the best times I've ever had ever.

Who knew drinking in the middle of the day could be so nice?

[Side note: walking back was hellish. I'm fairly certain that things happened that I don't remember. But not much. Fortunately for us, we ran in to Marshall and John on their way into the forest as we were coming out of it. Patrick could barely walk, and of course, Brody and I were wobbly, so it would've been nearly impossible had Marshall and John not been there. Many thanks to them.]

Baby baby now, Feel the Waltz

In a Regina Spektor mood.
And also Andrew Bird.
As well as the White Stripes and The Decemberists.
Other stuff I can't remember.
Mellow, and happy, and sunshiney :)

It's been a good day.
Hung out with my 2 gay besties. Always fun.
Had coffee and cigarettes.
Listened to music, talked for a few hours about things.
Saw my dear friend Ashley at Coker, and even though we didn't do much, I always have a fun time with her. She's such a darling.

Realized I'm actually getting tanner.
Discovered that I have plans for my life. Generic, but there nonetheless.

Missing some things I'm sure. Like a teeny piece of my heart. But you know, it's not a big enough piece to miss for now.
And I'm sure that at some point it'll be filled right? Before the desperation sets in.

And I think I'm getting a bunny by the Fall! So excited! A little Netherland dwarf. So adorable. And little... yay :)
and I'm getting an apartment with Melissa next semester (hopefully). We'll just have to see how things go.

And I have plans for the summer.
And my mom wants to redecorate my room with an Indian theme (random much, Ma?)
And I plan on minimizing the crap that's currently being stored in my room.
And when I'm not doing other stuff I have a plan for weight loss as well as keeping up with the decent literature that I've so been missing out on.

And I plan on seeing all sorts of people this summer and I've ordered things offline and I'm beginning to pack for going back home and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to summer. Not for being out of school, I'm loving school right now. But because I'll get to see people I've missed and I'm going to be taking classes.
(Not looking forward to Business Stats - Math 140 - but it's a necessary evil...)

It just feels like there's so much to look forward to and it's all so sudden and I'm almost ALMOST overwhelmed with a contentedness that I haven't felt in maybe.. ever.

<3

Not for Hitler

SO, I stole this thing from offline.

(not this --->)
It's completely cool.

It has all of these fun ideas for when you're bored and can't think of anything to do.

There's all of these really neat crafts that are fun and easy and fairly cheap.

I'm so excited to do some of them!

THey're epically awesome.

Ah!

And I think that I'll be able to get an apartment with Mels next semester which is also so super cool. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it! (Not really, but I AM terribly excited).

Also, I talked to this boy I liked yesterday and had a good fun time, and it seemed so did he.
And today I talked to a friend of mine with a beautiful smile and although I don't like him, he always brightens my day, just one of those really happy-go-lucky people (but normal. haha jk).

I bet you can probably tell just from reading this that I'm really excited.

Well, you're not wrong :)

You know, it's probably because it's Springtime.

(no, not for Hitler).

The End

Today I finished the final episode of Buffy.
It's been less than a month, right? I'm pretty sure it has. At least in relation to time spent watching.

Spike died in flames. I had no idea.

My heart is broken in two. He was my favorite.

Literally a piece of my heart is missing.

It's gonna take time for me to get over this.

... Of course I cried. Don't ask such a silly question.

Secondhand Heartbreak

Several days ago, my best friend called and told me that he and his long-time girlfriend had split up.

He called early in the morning. He never calls early in the morning.

Especially not sounding like he's going to cry.

He never cries.

Not when his Dad died.

Not when some other girl he really liked turned him down.

Not when he was kicked out of school or couldn't take exams.

He hasn't cried since he was really little. Years and years and years ago.

But now he calls me and all he wants to do is cry.

He said he wanted to cry.

He said he was going to cry.

He said he felt like he was dying.

He said he wanted to die.

That's a lot to handle as a wake-up call and no fore-warning.

I should've known. When I saw him that weekend.

... I should've known.

But there's nothing I could've done. I just waited and talked to him and tried to calm him down, but it was scary.

Almost, but not so much as when I witnessed a friends psychotic breakdown. That was terrifying.

But this... I couldn't do anything about this. I couldn't hold him, or stay with him to make sure he'd be alright.

I was helpless against his raging emotions.

Not against, he wasn't upset with me, but I couldn't help him feel better.

And knowing how much this was affecting him...

just hurt

more than I thought I could feel about a situation where I really didn't belong.

In a matter of Moments

Well, I'm a little happy right now.
I didn't think about what I was going to write about until I sat down and started writing this. I'm in the computer lab and I didn't realize I only have 20 minutes till class starts.

But I guess I'll write about this past weekend. I went home and it was not nearly as refreshing as I thought it would be for several reasons. But it also opened my eyes a bit.

I always say I love and miss my sister a lot. This weekend however, she was more interested in what was going on in her own life than seeing what I was up to. Or wanting to spend time with me. She hasn't seen me since Christmas. And I realize that she has a lot going on, not just a lot, but far too much: Robotics, softball, IB, a job. She's spreading herself far too thin for one 16 year old girl. But such is what she's made her life. Anyway, I missed her and wanted to see her.

My parents on the other hand, I realized, they always want me home. Well, I knew that part. But what really came to frustrate me was what we all did when they finally managed to get me home. They didn't want to talk. Morgan had softball games. So Dad was there. Mom had homework. So what did I do the majority of my Saturday? Sat and watched TV. Now, I understand that as parents, they miss me. But why the hell would you want me to come home if you're not going to concern yourselves with even communicating with me when I am? It just seems all very stupid.

Beyond parents, I visited my grandmother, and that surely was a frustrating visit too. She wanted to lecture me on loving my parents for who they are and appreciating all they do for me. I suppose it's true, they do a lot. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't respect them and appreciate their actions. But to go so far as to imply that problems are my fault or that I don't appreciate them enough is slightly infuriating. At the very least upsetting. For her to think that I'm disrespectful of them when they don't deserve it. I can appreciate them as parents, but they aren't that great of people. I know I don't have a perfect moral compass, but hell, who does? And I know they don't. So I don't like being told that I'm essentially a bad kid for feeling the way I feel, and more so, that I'm not justified.

Seeing old friends: well, I only saw one whom I haven't seen in ages. It's so odd. Whenever I see him, things just click into place. Like there's no where else in the world that I want to be. We just have an effortless understanding. I really miss him. I hate that we hardly ever see each other and that we're not attracted to each other that way. He's my best friend, and we hardly ever really speak. But we still just GET each other. I still know what he's thinking without saying it. I hate it, and I love it, and I miss it.

Ridiculous adolescence...