Never give up, no never give up,
If you're looking for something easy,
you might as well give it up.
-Cat Power
Saw Aaron Walchli off today. He's back to Florida again for a few months.
Before he came to Ashley (West's), she and I were messing around up in her room. I ended up just playing her guitar, and then we started talking about boys, and songs ect.. and I played her the song I wrote in the 9th grade about a boy...
Soooo embarassing. It was the first time I'd ever played it for anyone.
But she said it was surprisingly well written. That I should be a professional songwriter. haha. And that she'd never heard me actually sing before, but that I sang really well :)
What a compliment!
Anyway, it was just an interesting little comment that had been sitting in my head for a while.
Then I went to look in my book of writing stuff and just look over what I used to write. And looking back on it now, some of it really is pretty good. I remember that less than a year after I wrote a lot of it, I went back and was like "wow, I'm lame". But a few more years distant, I'm glad I wrote it down. Admittedly, some of it is just like "yo, you should not hold a pen to paper. Ever." but a lot of it is decent.
Lines like "it was tangibly sweet, though you were diabetic"
I guess that are quirky things that good songwriters are aware of, perhaps?
I'm not sure. But I just started thinking, huh. I should work more on rounding myself out in the arts.
I've got music down pretty well. Art is getting better, either in crafting, or in photography. I definitely need to get sketching/drawing better. Languages I'm still pretty good I think. I just need to work on writing.
Then all I'll have left is dance, but that shouldn't be too complicated.. :) hahaha
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, July 12
Saturday, July 10
If Not Twitter
If I didn't have a twitter, I wouldn't have been able to relay all the events of this week.
7.4.10
Arrive in Florence. No one is about but Brody. We were bored. We had a water fight. He made lots of sexual references that, coming from Brody, I deemed kind of awkward. But it's not very important. Anyway, we watched a few fireworks, and I slept in Carrie's room, that was essentially my evening. Nothing to really write home about.
7.5.10
I went to Francis Marion with Brody for lack of anything better to do. I played piano. I visited the housing office. I read some of "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I don't know how much I like John Irving by the way. As I was sitting in the LSF building, I was right behind the soda machine for a while, and was thinking, how strange it is, that someone getting a soda, could be the person who in 2 or 3 years' time, is asking me out on a date, or even crazier, to get married. It just crossed my mind that life seems to be a lot about Chance. That you never know who you could have already crossed paths with and who just might be a big part of your life, when only a week ago, they walked past you and you didn't even notice. Then I also so PH. Shocking enough. Further impressing upon me that life seems to be Chance more than choice.
I went swimming with Liz later that evening and had dinner with her family. They had a fun little family rave, and I got to see Tom a bit more. Apparently he's going to FMU next year, which should be fun because I'll see him more and he'll also probably be at the apartment a lot. Lol. He seems like a sweet kid :)
Later that night, I decided that I would stay at Megan's. Carrie had smoked some before we drove over and was wigging out because when we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that the clock there said that it was July 5, 1989. Which I pointed out to her. She freaked, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we had burst through a hole in the space time continuum and what would we do if we had traveled back in time? Our families would be elsewhere, our friends wouldn't be anywhere near, we had strange cell-phones, and a later model of car. We would be outsiders with no money and few means. It sufficiently scared her, and almost drew me in... but it was funny :)
That night was the first night that Josh Carrie and I slept in the water bed. We all cuddled really close, and were warm and cozy. Haha. Very snuggily. lol.
7.6.10
We also went to FMU on Tuesday, and hung out with Megan some. PH was there, and I convinced Carrie to swim with us, somehow. Sometimes my luck is purely... fantastic. We swam for like, 30 minutes then had to get out. PH came over to the house and hung out for apparently a long time. I don't remember a period of separation. We cuddle in the house with everyone. Then when they left, we talked. I explained everything that he didn't understand about what had happened. And when he discovered everything, he felt he had to leave, but Carrie came back, and I wanted to be up there with her, and so did he, so he stayed. But I remember they left again later, and things were still awkward. So we were separate for a while. I guess he felt bad, and I can understand. It was just difficult. We went to Taco Bell later, and things were no less estranged. I drank later that night. He did not. I barely remember him leaving. I just remember being sad.
7.7.10
Mom and Dad had to come fix my tire. That was so terribly awkward. My friends had all gone, except for Brody while they were fixing the tire. They returned the last 10 minutes of the tire changing. I was so worried my parents knew they were high. Petrified even. It's all I could think about. For nearly 24 hours. Slept with Carrie and Josh again.
7.8.10
We got crunk, and then drove. For ever it seemed. We were so bored. We didn't know what else to do. So we just drove. There was a 2 or 3 hour break in between the drive, but we didn't notice it. Well, I didn't notice it anyway. It felt like we were in the car all the day long. We went to Timmonsville, unexpectedly. That's what happens when you just drive with no notion of where you're going. Just following your feet. Although, I sincerely hope that if I'm just following my feet someplace, that I end up somewhere much more interesting than the run-down glory that is Timmonsville. As we drove, at one point we sang along to Eleanor Rigby. I was kind of surprised to find us all singing along, but we were. The only one we all sang to... Then we came back. For a while, Josh and I were the only ones in bed because Carrie was reading. We had fallen asleep with our arms around each other by the time Carrie came in. She said the next morning that he had been making funny noises in the night.. lol. We slept the three of us together in bed for the last night.
7.9.10
I tried to leave early, but none of the 3 of us wanted to get out of bed. haha. We were all awake at 7:30, but it was raining, so we all went back to bed. A few hours later, we all were awake again, but didn't feel like moving still, so we talked for a half hour or so about all sorts of things, but eventually fell asleep again. This happened 2 or 3 times, until we finally decided around 11 that we ought to get up :) We didn't do much. Just spent more time together. I tried to leave early, but I forgot things and had to backtrack. Carrie finally left, and I left Josh at the house. It was so strange to leave. I gave them all hugs and we parted ways. I stopped by Starbucks, and talked to Joseph and August. I was surprised at Joseph yet again. It's odd to think that not too long ago, I saw him pretty frequently, and talked to him pretty often as well. He still seems to like me well enough though, and we talked for a bit. Actually, like half an hour. Just about things that had been going on in our lives. Pretty superficially, but nonetheless, he and I can talk a bit. Then I left to try and meet up with Matthew and Melanie. We met at Red Lobster, and although I only meant to stay until their meal came, I was there for the whole thing. Which was fine actually, because 1. I missed Matthew terribly. I feel like I hadn't seen him since May or early early June. 2. They always eat well.. lol. Point being, I meant to leave Florence by 5:30 at the latest, and didn't end up leaving until closer to 7:40... But I made it back to Charleston in an hour and a half, like a Champ!
I'm very tired, but so so glad I went and saw Carrie and Josh and Megan and Liz and Brody and all of the others.
I feel like I'm going to be very close to a different group of people this semester. And I like that :) It's good to make friends.
And hopefully, I'll get the job at Starbucks that I applied for today! Fingers crossed and let's hope that my luck is lasting :/
7.4.10
Arrive in Florence. No one is about but Brody. We were bored. We had a water fight. He made lots of sexual references that, coming from Brody, I deemed kind of awkward. But it's not very important. Anyway, we watched a few fireworks, and I slept in Carrie's room, that was essentially my evening. Nothing to really write home about.
7.5.10
I went to Francis Marion with Brody for lack of anything better to do. I played piano. I visited the housing office. I read some of "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I don't know how much I like John Irving by the way. As I was sitting in the LSF building, I was right behind the soda machine for a while, and was thinking, how strange it is, that someone getting a soda, could be the person who in 2 or 3 years' time, is asking me out on a date, or even crazier, to get married. It just crossed my mind that life seems to be a lot about Chance. That you never know who you could have already crossed paths with and who just might be a big part of your life, when only a week ago, they walked past you and you didn't even notice. Then I also so PH. Shocking enough. Further impressing upon me that life seems to be Chance more than choice.
I went swimming with Liz later that evening and had dinner with her family. They had a fun little family rave, and I got to see Tom a bit more. Apparently he's going to FMU next year, which should be fun because I'll see him more and he'll also probably be at the apartment a lot. Lol. He seems like a sweet kid :)
Later that night, I decided that I would stay at Megan's. Carrie had smoked some before we drove over and was wigging out because when we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that the clock there said that it was July 5, 1989. Which I pointed out to her. She freaked, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we had burst through a hole in the space time continuum and what would we do if we had traveled back in time? Our families would be elsewhere, our friends wouldn't be anywhere near, we had strange cell-phones, and a later model of car. We would be outsiders with no money and few means. It sufficiently scared her, and almost drew me in... but it was funny :)
That night was the first night that Josh Carrie and I slept in the water bed. We all cuddled really close, and were warm and cozy. Haha. Very snuggily. lol.
7.6.10
We also went to FMU on Tuesday, and hung out with Megan some. PH was there, and I convinced Carrie to swim with us, somehow. Sometimes my luck is purely... fantastic. We swam for like, 30 minutes then had to get out. PH came over to the house and hung out for apparently a long time. I don't remember a period of separation. We cuddle in the house with everyone. Then when they left, we talked. I explained everything that he didn't understand about what had happened. And when he discovered everything, he felt he had to leave, but Carrie came back, and I wanted to be up there with her, and so did he, so he stayed. But I remember they left again later, and things were still awkward. So we were separate for a while. I guess he felt bad, and I can understand. It was just difficult. We went to Taco Bell later, and things were no less estranged. I drank later that night. He did not. I barely remember him leaving. I just remember being sad.
7.7.10
Mom and Dad had to come fix my tire. That was so terribly awkward. My friends had all gone, except for Brody while they were fixing the tire. They returned the last 10 minutes of the tire changing. I was so worried my parents knew they were high. Petrified even. It's all I could think about. For nearly 24 hours. Slept with Carrie and Josh again.
7.8.10
We got crunk, and then drove. For ever it seemed. We were so bored. We didn't know what else to do. So we just drove. There was a 2 or 3 hour break in between the drive, but we didn't notice it. Well, I didn't notice it anyway. It felt like we were in the car all the day long. We went to Timmonsville, unexpectedly. That's what happens when you just drive with no notion of where you're going. Just following your feet. Although, I sincerely hope that if I'm just following my feet someplace, that I end up somewhere much more interesting than the run-down glory that is Timmonsville. As we drove, at one point we sang along to Eleanor Rigby. I was kind of surprised to find us all singing along, but we were. The only one we all sang to... Then we came back. For a while, Josh and I were the only ones in bed because Carrie was reading. We had fallen asleep with our arms around each other by the time Carrie came in. She said the next morning that he had been making funny noises in the night.. lol. We slept the three of us together in bed for the last night.
7.9.10
I tried to leave early, but none of the 3 of us wanted to get out of bed. haha. We were all awake at 7:30, but it was raining, so we all went back to bed. A few hours later, we all were awake again, but didn't feel like moving still, so we talked for a half hour or so about all sorts of things, but eventually fell asleep again. This happened 2 or 3 times, until we finally decided around 11 that we ought to get up :) We didn't do much. Just spent more time together. I tried to leave early, but I forgot things and had to backtrack. Carrie finally left, and I left Josh at the house. It was so strange to leave. I gave them all hugs and we parted ways. I stopped by Starbucks, and talked to Joseph and August. I was surprised at Joseph yet again. It's odd to think that not too long ago, I saw him pretty frequently, and talked to him pretty often as well. He still seems to like me well enough though, and we talked for a bit. Actually, like half an hour. Just about things that had been going on in our lives. Pretty superficially, but nonetheless, he and I can talk a bit. Then I left to try and meet up with Matthew and Melanie. We met at Red Lobster, and although I only meant to stay until their meal came, I was there for the whole thing. Which was fine actually, because 1. I missed Matthew terribly. I feel like I hadn't seen him since May or early early June. 2. They always eat well.. lol. Point being, I meant to leave Florence by 5:30 at the latest, and didn't end up leaving until closer to 7:40... But I made it back to Charleston in an hour and a half, like a Champ!
I'm very tired, but so so glad I went and saw Carrie and Josh and Megan and Liz and Brody and all of the others.
I feel like I'm going to be very close to a different group of people this semester. And I like that :) It's good to make friends.
And hopefully, I'll get the job at Starbucks that I applied for today! Fingers crossed and let's hope that my luck is lasting :/
Sunday, June 27
Something old, something new?
Something old: I'm dead bored kinda.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.
Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.
Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"
Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)
I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.
Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.
Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"
Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)
I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.
Sunday, June 20
5-second rule
5 seconds can make all the difference. Even if it's just a smile and a wave. That gives you all you need to know.
This past weekend in Florence was wonderful, as always.
Dearly missed them all. Sorry that I wasn't able to see more of them longer, but I figured I'd be back soon, and there's not much more to be done than that.
Today, Nick and I hung out for like, 6 or 7 hours. At one point, we were nearby an almost empty pool and we started making water droplet patterns on the cement and watching the water spread. Like a Rorschach test.
He kept seeing Pokemon. That was kind of funny.
I kept seeing two figures kiss. (just for clarification, when I thought of the 2 figures, Nick wasn't one of them)
I just thought it was kind of sad and all.
There was so much that I learned this weekend. So much that I partook in, and experienced.
But the truth is, none of it really changed much, either what would happen, or how things would be handled.
At least Nick has been doing better lately. I feel a lot less tired, especially after my sojourn in Florence, and I feel like maybe it was just the R&R I needed.
Thank goodness :)
This past weekend in Florence was wonderful, as always.
Dearly missed them all. Sorry that I wasn't able to see more of them longer, but I figured I'd be back soon, and there's not much more to be done than that.
Today, Nick and I hung out for like, 6 or 7 hours. At one point, we were nearby an almost empty pool and we started making water droplet patterns on the cement and watching the water spread. Like a Rorschach test.
He kept seeing Pokemon. That was kind of funny.
I kept seeing two figures kiss. (just for clarification, when I thought of the 2 figures, Nick wasn't one of them)
I just thought it was kind of sad and all.
There was so much that I learned this weekend. So much that I partook in, and experienced.
But the truth is, none of it really changed much, either what would happen, or how things would be handled.
At least Nick has been doing better lately. I feel a lot less tired, especially after my sojourn in Florence, and I feel like maybe it was just the R&R I needed.
Thank goodness :)
Tuesday, June 1
Emotionally Exhausted
I am completely rent. There is nothing left of me to give.
We've had the same conversation about 30 times. It always ends the same.
You're unreasonable, and you ask too much, even of me.
I can't help you anymore, but I don't know what else to do. There's nothing more to say.
Life right now, for you, is divided into "what I can do" and "what I want to do".
Until you decide that you want to live, I know that you think "I can die and solve it all".
Nothing I say can change that.
I just have to trust that you want to live, rather than not.
We've had the same conversation about 30 times. It always ends the same.
You're unreasonable, and you ask too much, even of me.
I can't help you anymore, but I don't know what else to do. There's nothing more to say.
Life right now, for you, is divided into "what I can do" and "what I want to do".
Until you decide that you want to live, I know that you think "I can die and solve it all".
Nothing I say can change that.
I just have to trust that you want to live, rather than not.
I Eye Aye
I make bad choices.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..
I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..
I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.
Wednesday, May 26
5.20-5.24
5.20
Started the day of the trip by spending the most marvelous time with dear friend Zach, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year, and the daring, darling Soleil whom I also love and hadn't seen in what felt almost as long as I'd seen Zachary.
We watched The Last Unicorn. Which I hadn't seen in at least 10 years or more. Morgan and I used to borrow it from the local library and we both loved it immensely.
I dyed my hair. It's darker brown. I like it a lot. And the people who noticed at all like it too.
I left for Florence. I saw my Starbucks friends. Some of them anyway. I saw Mels. And Kadi. And Jordan New. And August Langley. And met Adam Sims and Grayson Hiatt. I don't remember what else. Mels cooked dinner. For some reason it seemed out of character but it was delicious. Mad props to her.
5.21
Stayed inside all day. Everyone was busy. Mels was working. I was lonely. And read In Cold Blood. Dinner the next night was also made by Melissa and equally delicious. Hung out with August, Jordan, Kadi, Adam and Grayson again. For whatever reason, the sillies were intent on hooking up Grayson and I because we 'look alike'. Psh. As if that's reason enough to date someone.. No thanks. I'm sure he's probably a great kid, but no thanks. I'm not interested no matter how many times you ask. It made Kadi and me laugh a great deal, which was fun. Probably the most laughs she and I have ever shared. She seemed to like me very much, which is still somewhat new to me.
5.22
First day at The House. Accidentally woke up Josh, who answered the door only half-dressed seeing as he was sleeping when I knocked on the door. Brody and I played the keyboard. That was fun. And ended up waking Carrie which made me happy because I had missed her very much. We all had a laugh. And then soon the whole house was up. I don't think we did much that day. Everyone was wandering about in anticipation since that night several of them were barhopping. Carrie and I stayed behind with Brody. And Chris and Rosa. Everyone else left as I recall. Nick called. He mentioned how depressed he was. I didn't realize till he called and mentioned how bad off he'd been. It was terrible to hear how bad it sounded and I felt bad that I couldn't do anything about it.
Carrie and I made delicious real pie which everyone very much enjoyed (before they left for the bars). REAL PIE. N-N-N-N-NOT the FAKE pie.
Carrie and I did things of a slightly illegal nature. We had lots and lots of fun for a while. Watched Sailor Moon. Went outside and enjoyed nature. We had a perfect moment. One of those few which can be replicated. Life, for a little while, was perfect. There was nothing wrong with it. Everything was whole and pure and full of only good. It was one of the greatest moments I've ever experienced in a drive-way at midnight. Then I over-did myself. I went to far and started to get sick. Not before making an ass of myself. I called Sabastian and Nick. I don't remember those phone calls. I don't know what I said. Apparently it was all very funny. I remember images. I remember being sick. Very sick. So sick it felt like all of my insides were scrambling to get out of me. They were doing a bang up job. I laid on the ground for what felt like minutes in recall but was more like hours. Emptying the contents of my intestines. I cried. I remember crying, probably in pain, I don't know why to be sure. I just remember feeling awful. My whole body wracked in agony. I remember clutching a toilet bowl for dear life, feeling as though I'd fall off the face of the earth if I didn't grip it as tightly as my aching muscles would allow. I remember people standing over me, with so many different looks on each face. Some pity, some knowingly, others in determination to get me to stop being sick. Not one face was able. Eventually a friend helped me to bed, where he held back my hair as I continued to dry-heave and rub my back till I fell asleep. Sometime around 5 am.
5.23
The next morning wasn't nearly as equally dreadful. I didn't remember much of the night before. I wasn't even sick. I went to church. Mels made fun of me for being ill. Which didn't help the illness. I got baptized while Mel and Jordan made bets on when I would spew. It was the first time I'd ever been baptized. It felt like the right time. Except for the whole being sick the night before thing. Which I acknowledge isn't good. But I got baptized and that is no small feat in and of itself as I had been waiting on the edge for years, wondering when I would meet that steep-edge running. And I finally did. And I will always remember.
Carrie and I danced in the rain. It was another excellent moment. I wore the same shirt I got baptized in, and it felt almost like a second baptism. The whole day seemed a clear blue. Not that the sky was blue, it was gray, but everything seemed clean and beautiful. And it probably was.
I also found out how much of an idiot I made of myself the night before. Telling people things that maybe they ought not to have known at all. I was so ashamed. Carrie thought it was funny, and I know in retrospect, the moment will likely exponentially multiply in hilarity. At the time, all I could do was blush in shame.
We didn't do much that night. I think I slept most of the day away. I was so tired from the night before. I made brownies from scratch that everyone loved.
5.24
I got up and made omelets for everyone who wanted one. I didn't. I still couldn't eat. Said goodbye to the people who had played host the two nights before. I went to lunch with Carrie and Josh. Where I didn't eat. But we referenced my coming and visiting again very very soon. Carrie referenced how I'd made a fool of myself, but I didn't mind. We'd made a really awesome connection. And I feel like no matter what, we'll always have an understanding. She's a very interesting person. And in some ways, so like me. We made jokes in front of Josh, and he mentioned how excited he was for his birthday. When we got back, they tried to kidnap me so I'd stay, but eventually I did have to leave. We were all very sad. And I hope to be back soon.
I went to Starbucks to say my last goodbyes.
I went home.
And was lonely.
Started the day of the trip by spending the most marvelous time with dear friend Zach, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year, and the daring, darling Soleil whom I also love and hadn't seen in what felt almost as long as I'd seen Zachary.
We watched The Last Unicorn. Which I hadn't seen in at least 10 years or more. Morgan and I used to borrow it from the local library and we both loved it immensely.
I dyed my hair. It's darker brown. I like it a lot. And the people who noticed at all like it too.
I left for Florence. I saw my Starbucks friends. Some of them anyway. I saw Mels. And Kadi. And Jordan New. And August Langley. And met Adam Sims and Grayson Hiatt. I don't remember what else. Mels cooked dinner. For some reason it seemed out of character but it was delicious. Mad props to her.
5.21
Stayed inside all day. Everyone was busy. Mels was working. I was lonely. And read In Cold Blood. Dinner the next night was also made by Melissa and equally delicious. Hung out with August, Jordan, Kadi, Adam and Grayson again. For whatever reason, the sillies were intent on hooking up Grayson and I because we 'look alike'. Psh. As if that's reason enough to date someone.. No thanks. I'm sure he's probably a great kid, but no thanks. I'm not interested no matter how many times you ask. It made Kadi and me laugh a great deal, which was fun. Probably the most laughs she and I have ever shared. She seemed to like me very much, which is still somewhat new to me.
5.22
First day at The House. Accidentally woke up Josh, who answered the door only half-dressed seeing as he was sleeping when I knocked on the door. Brody and I played the keyboard. That was fun. And ended up waking Carrie which made me happy because I had missed her very much. We all had a laugh. And then soon the whole house was up. I don't think we did much that day. Everyone was wandering about in anticipation since that night several of them were barhopping. Carrie and I stayed behind with Brody. And Chris and Rosa. Everyone else left as I recall. Nick called. He mentioned how depressed he was. I didn't realize till he called and mentioned how bad off he'd been. It was terrible to hear how bad it sounded and I felt bad that I couldn't do anything about it.
Carrie and I made delicious real pie which everyone very much enjoyed (before they left for the bars). REAL PIE. N-N-N-N-NOT the FAKE pie.
Carrie and I did things of a slightly illegal nature. We had lots and lots of fun for a while. Watched Sailor Moon. Went outside and enjoyed nature. We had a perfect moment. One of those few which can be replicated. Life, for a little while, was perfect. There was nothing wrong with it. Everything was whole and pure and full of only good. It was one of the greatest moments I've ever experienced in a drive-way at midnight. Then I over-did myself. I went to far and started to get sick. Not before making an ass of myself. I called Sabastian and Nick. I don't remember those phone calls. I don't know what I said. Apparently it was all very funny. I remember images. I remember being sick. Very sick. So sick it felt like all of my insides were scrambling to get out of me. They were doing a bang up job. I laid on the ground for what felt like minutes in recall but was more like hours. Emptying the contents of my intestines. I cried. I remember crying, probably in pain, I don't know why to be sure. I just remember feeling awful. My whole body wracked in agony. I remember clutching a toilet bowl for dear life, feeling as though I'd fall off the face of the earth if I didn't grip it as tightly as my aching muscles would allow. I remember people standing over me, with so many different looks on each face. Some pity, some knowingly, others in determination to get me to stop being sick. Not one face was able. Eventually a friend helped me to bed, where he held back my hair as I continued to dry-heave and rub my back till I fell asleep. Sometime around 5 am.
5.23
The next morning wasn't nearly as equally dreadful. I didn't remember much of the night before. I wasn't even sick. I went to church. Mels made fun of me for being ill. Which didn't help the illness. I got baptized while Mel and Jordan made bets on when I would spew. It was the first time I'd ever been baptized. It felt like the right time. Except for the whole being sick the night before thing. Which I acknowledge isn't good. But I got baptized and that is no small feat in and of itself as I had been waiting on the edge for years, wondering when I would meet that steep-edge running. And I finally did. And I will always remember.
Carrie and I danced in the rain. It was another excellent moment. I wore the same shirt I got baptized in, and it felt almost like a second baptism. The whole day seemed a clear blue. Not that the sky was blue, it was gray, but everything seemed clean and beautiful. And it probably was.
I also found out how much of an idiot I made of myself the night before. Telling people things that maybe they ought not to have known at all. I was so ashamed. Carrie thought it was funny, and I know in retrospect, the moment will likely exponentially multiply in hilarity. At the time, all I could do was blush in shame.
We didn't do much that night. I think I slept most of the day away. I was so tired from the night before. I made brownies from scratch that everyone loved.
5.24
I got up and made omelets for everyone who wanted one. I didn't. I still couldn't eat. Said goodbye to the people who had played host the two nights before. I went to lunch with Carrie and Josh. Where I didn't eat. But we referenced my coming and visiting again very very soon. Carrie referenced how I'd made a fool of myself, but I didn't mind. We'd made a really awesome connection. And I feel like no matter what, we'll always have an understanding. She's a very interesting person. And in some ways, so like me. We made jokes in front of Josh, and he mentioned how excited he was for his birthday. When we got back, they tried to kidnap me so I'd stay, but eventually I did have to leave. We were all very sad. And I hope to be back soon.
I went to Starbucks to say my last goodbyes.
I went home.
And was lonely.
Tuesday, May 25
सो सो सो
There's so much to say. It's too late to write it all, and I'm tired, and for some reason I think I may have to work in the morning.. but perhaps not.
I don't know. If I get a call I'll be there. Otherwise, nuh uh.
I'll have to take a big chunk of time out to tell the tales of this weekend.. for they are many.
Interesting and just...
Lessons. All of them.
I don't know. If I get a call I'll be there. Otherwise, nuh uh.
I'll have to take a big chunk of time out to tell the tales of this weekend.. for they are many.
Interesting and just...
Lessons. All of them.
Tuesday, May 18
Life is Fucking Unpredictable.
No crazy curve balls today that ruined my life or anything, just thoughts (in explanation of the title).
Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.
Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.
In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.
And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.
With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.
I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.
How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.
I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.
Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.
Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.
In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.
And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.
With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.
I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.
How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.
I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.
Tuesday, May 4
oh the mistakes we make
...
I throw my hands up in the air and sigh.
What more can I do than what's already been done?
Hold out for the better, wait for the worst?
Sit at a standstill and let my stomach churn?...
I give up on thinking I know what's best in this situation anymore.
I throw my hands up in the air and sigh.
What more can I do than what's already been done?
Hold out for the better, wait for the worst?
Sit at a standstill and let my stomach churn?...
I give up on thinking I know what's best in this situation anymore.
Friday, April 2
Not for Hitler
SO, I stole this thing from offline.
(not this --->)
It's completely cool.
It's completely cool.
It has all of these fun ideas for when you're bored and can't think of anything to do.
There's all of these really neat crafts that are fun and easy and fairly cheap.
I'm so excited to do some of them!
THey're epically awesome.
Ah!
And I think that I'll be able to get an apartment with Mels next semester which is also so super cool. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it! (Not really, but I AM terribly excited).
Also, I talked to this boy I liked yesterday and had a good fun time, and it seemed so did he.
And today I talked to a friend of mine with a beautiful smile and although I don't like him, he always brightens my day, just one of those really happy-go-lucky people (but normal. haha jk).
And today I talked to a friend of mine with a beautiful smile and although I don't like him, he always brightens my day, just one of those really happy-go-lucky people (but normal. haha jk).
I bet you can probably tell just from reading this that I'm really excited.
Well, you're not wrong :)
You know, it's probably because it's Springtime.
(no, not for Hitler).
Tuesday, March 9
Secondhand Heartbreak
Several days ago, my best friend called and told me that he and his long-time girlfriend had split up.
He called early in the morning. He never calls early in the morning.
Especially not sounding like he's going to cry.
He never cries.
Not when his Dad died.
Not when some other girl he really liked turned him down.
Not when he was kicked out of school or couldn't take exams.
He hasn't cried since he was really little. Years and years and years ago.
But now he calls me and all he wants to do is cry.
He said he wanted to cry.
He said he was going to cry.
He said he felt like he was dying.
He said he wanted to die.
That's a lot to handle as a wake-up call and no fore-warning.
I should've known. When I saw him that weekend.
... I should've known.
But there's nothing I could've done. I just waited and talked to him and tried to calm him down, but it was scary.
Almost, but not so much as when I witnessed a friends psychotic breakdown. That was terrifying.
But this... I couldn't do anything about this. I couldn't hold him, or stay with him to make sure he'd be alright.
I was helpless against his raging emotions.
Not against, he wasn't upset with me, but I couldn't help him feel better.
And knowing how much this was affecting him...
just hurt
more than I thought I could feel about a situation where I really didn't belong.
Tuesday, February 23
It's all Relative
I'm not really sure how to approach this subject, so I'll just dive right on in...
See, before him, I had never really thought of myself as pretty. I can see intelligent, and funny and I certainly am impulsive. I did like Mean Girls a lot, but I had never seen myself as 'pretty'.
No matter how many times my parents said it.
Or Melissa or other girls said it, I never believed it.
But the thing that sucks the most is that most other people can't see past that.
It's funny, but I wish I could share that thought with other people.
The other day, I was with a friend. And concerning this friend, there are several facts about his friends that I have gathered in the course of knowing him. Qualifications, if you will, for people to become his dearest friends.
These qualifications are:
1. They must love/have-seen Mean Girls
2. They must be intelligent
3. They must be funny
4. They must be somewhat insane (impulsive) and
5. They must be pretty.
Now, I thought long and hard about these qualifications, and more recently, he and I have become close, which implies that - he having confirmed what I assumed where his qualifications for friendship - I am all of these things.
See, before him, I had never really thought of myself as pretty. I can see intelligent, and funny and I certainly am impulsive. I did like Mean Girls a lot, but I had never seen myself as 'pretty'.
No matter how many times my parents said it.
Or Melissa or other girls said it, I never believed it.
Now here's a homosexual telling me I'm pretty.
Not even in a patronizing way that people sometimes do.
And beyond that, we went out to eat last night and he went so far as to call me skinny.
Now, he is much bigger than I am, but he also has friends much skinnier than I am. So I was utterly shocked to hear both things.
He said it again just now when he left, that his grandparents (whom I met briefly last night) would assume that he had a 'new pretty girlfriend'. It's still a surprise.
I thought on it today on my way to my business class.
About beauty and appearances.
And only recently, like, within the past few weeks or so, have I actually learned to accept that on some level, I am pretty.
That's all I'll allow myself for now.
But the thing that sucks the most is that most other people can't see past that.
The truth is, people are only concerned with conventional beauty. But that doesn't really mean anything. There are all sorts of other types of beautiful.
It was truly a bewildering thought I had though, that I could actually be beautiful. I look in my mirror a lot, and maybe that's why. I see what other people can't. Except that some people do. It really is odd when the one or two people will randomly say something about it. It catches me off guard.
It's funny, but I wish I could share that thought with other people.
But I know that I certainly wouldn't have believed anyone who told me that I was beautiful or cute or pretty or whatever.
At least until I could freely admit it to myself.
Sunday, January 31
Songs on Repeat
Colorblind - The Counting Crows
Hysteric - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Not My Friend - Norah Jones
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Skinny Love - Bon Iver
I just feel the mood of someone in love unloved.
I wrote something the other day.
It's been so long since I've written anything that I've forgotten whether or not it's any good.
It's probably not.
Thus I prefer anonymity via inter-web; although I use my name.
I was the girl
wore her hear on her sleeve,
always heart crushed
always lovesick never
wanted.
Always the sister
never the lover,
I want to hold
you
hold me;
but always let go...
Could I have been somewhere before here?
was it better?
should I miss it?
If so, I've forgotten..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)