That's what this writer's creed thing, that my Grandmother gave me once, said.
After I sang, to Ashley, that song I wrote, and she was very complimentary of it, I kind of thought about my writing and...
I've decided to start writing again. Or at least not be ashamed of my writing.
If I ever get inspired, write down whatever phrase or verse comes to mind and run with it.
I have a lot from twitter that, in retrospect, just seem poetic. Or have the potential to be poetic.
So even if it's a song, or just a stanza to a poem that never gets finished but might inspire a story, I intend to write it down.
I'm frustrated with Liz. I was supposed to live with her, and she just decided, out of the blue (or so it seemed to me) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. I wouldn't have taken it personally except she got kind of snarky/testy whenever I asked her even a bit more about it.
The best laid plans of mice and men...
Oh well.
Life moves on and I'm looking forward to school starting again in a about a month. Moving in, having my own life. Being able to see people every day, have something to do all of the time. Learn :)
<3
Like I said in that earlier blog, I'm excited to see where the next few years takes me.
It's weird to be thinking so far ahead, or saying it that way, but I guess... I'm getting older now. So I should be thinking that far ahead, right?
PS: wicked burn. I feel like my legs are on fire. It's not a whole lot of fun.
At least the lake house with Rachel was fun :)
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plans. Show all posts
Monday, July 19
Thursday, July 15
This Strange Sensation
All of a sudden, I'm kind of taking an inventory of my life, and I feel like I'm almost where I need to be.
Like, an overwhelming sense of self, and understanding of life plans and all such nonsense.
Really, like this very moment.
I feel like I basically know who I am, and what I want in life and just...
Not happy.
But good.
If that makes sense.
I'm in a good place right now, and I have this feeling like, everything will get better from here. At least for a while.
It's a nice feeling.
Like, an overwhelming sense of self, and understanding of life plans and all such nonsense.
Really, like this very moment.
I feel like I basically know who I am, and what I want in life and just...
Not happy.
But good.
If that makes sense.
I'm in a good place right now, and I have this feeling like, everything will get better from here. At least for a while.
It's a nice feeling.
Wednesday, July 14
Redundant.
How is it possible that my life is so absurdly redundant?
I decided today that I would write prison inmates. Possibly not the smartest thing I've ever done. But whatever. It would've been mostly platonic. I liked the idea of writing someone who might possibly be interested in responding to my letters.
I liked the idea of having a friend who was possibly misunderstood. And just really wanted someone to talk to. I could've been that person.
Anyway, my mom mentioned that she had looked in my room for a few things that she thought might be in here, and much like the time they found drug paraphernalia in my room, they found letters I had just written to inmates in various prisons..
Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, ok. I get that taking care of my safety is important.
But mother definitely got online and checked these people out. Their profiles too. Accusing me of just.. idk. Inappropriate behavior which was frustrating.
I don't like feeling like I'm mistrusted.
Or feel like I can't trust the people I live with.
I want a padlock on my door.
I decided today that I would write prison inmates. Possibly not the smartest thing I've ever done. But whatever. It would've been mostly platonic. I liked the idea of writing someone who might possibly be interested in responding to my letters.
I liked the idea of having a friend who was possibly misunderstood. And just really wanted someone to talk to. I could've been that person.
Anyway, my mom mentioned that she had looked in my room for a few things that she thought might be in here, and much like the time they found drug paraphernalia in my room, they found letters I had just written to inmates in various prisons..
Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, ok. I get that taking care of my safety is important.
But mother definitely got online and checked these people out. Their profiles too. Accusing me of just.. idk. Inappropriate behavior which was frustrating.
I don't like feeling like I'm mistrusted.
Or feel like I can't trust the people I live with.
I want a padlock on my door.
Saturday, July 10
If Not Twitter
If I didn't have a twitter, I wouldn't have been able to relay all the events of this week.
7.4.10
Arrive in Florence. No one is about but Brody. We were bored. We had a water fight. He made lots of sexual references that, coming from Brody, I deemed kind of awkward. But it's not very important. Anyway, we watched a few fireworks, and I slept in Carrie's room, that was essentially my evening. Nothing to really write home about.
7.5.10
I went to Francis Marion with Brody for lack of anything better to do. I played piano. I visited the housing office. I read some of "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I don't know how much I like John Irving by the way. As I was sitting in the LSF building, I was right behind the soda machine for a while, and was thinking, how strange it is, that someone getting a soda, could be the person who in 2 or 3 years' time, is asking me out on a date, or even crazier, to get married. It just crossed my mind that life seems to be a lot about Chance. That you never know who you could have already crossed paths with and who just might be a big part of your life, when only a week ago, they walked past you and you didn't even notice. Then I also so PH. Shocking enough. Further impressing upon me that life seems to be Chance more than choice.
I went swimming with Liz later that evening and had dinner with her family. They had a fun little family rave, and I got to see Tom a bit more. Apparently he's going to FMU next year, which should be fun because I'll see him more and he'll also probably be at the apartment a lot. Lol. He seems like a sweet kid :)
Later that night, I decided that I would stay at Megan's. Carrie had smoked some before we drove over and was wigging out because when we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that the clock there said that it was July 5, 1989. Which I pointed out to her. She freaked, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we had burst through a hole in the space time continuum and what would we do if we had traveled back in time? Our families would be elsewhere, our friends wouldn't be anywhere near, we had strange cell-phones, and a later model of car. We would be outsiders with no money and few means. It sufficiently scared her, and almost drew me in... but it was funny :)
That night was the first night that Josh Carrie and I slept in the water bed. We all cuddled really close, and were warm and cozy. Haha. Very snuggily. lol.
7.6.10
We also went to FMU on Tuesday, and hung out with Megan some. PH was there, and I convinced Carrie to swim with us, somehow. Sometimes my luck is purely... fantastic. We swam for like, 30 minutes then had to get out. PH came over to the house and hung out for apparently a long time. I don't remember a period of separation. We cuddle in the house with everyone. Then when they left, we talked. I explained everything that he didn't understand about what had happened. And when he discovered everything, he felt he had to leave, but Carrie came back, and I wanted to be up there with her, and so did he, so he stayed. But I remember they left again later, and things were still awkward. So we were separate for a while. I guess he felt bad, and I can understand. It was just difficult. We went to Taco Bell later, and things were no less estranged. I drank later that night. He did not. I barely remember him leaving. I just remember being sad.
7.7.10
Mom and Dad had to come fix my tire. That was so terribly awkward. My friends had all gone, except for Brody while they were fixing the tire. They returned the last 10 minutes of the tire changing. I was so worried my parents knew they were high. Petrified even. It's all I could think about. For nearly 24 hours. Slept with Carrie and Josh again.
7.8.10
We got crunk, and then drove. For ever it seemed. We were so bored. We didn't know what else to do. So we just drove. There was a 2 or 3 hour break in between the drive, but we didn't notice it. Well, I didn't notice it anyway. It felt like we were in the car all the day long. We went to Timmonsville, unexpectedly. That's what happens when you just drive with no notion of where you're going. Just following your feet. Although, I sincerely hope that if I'm just following my feet someplace, that I end up somewhere much more interesting than the run-down glory that is Timmonsville. As we drove, at one point we sang along to Eleanor Rigby. I was kind of surprised to find us all singing along, but we were. The only one we all sang to... Then we came back. For a while, Josh and I were the only ones in bed because Carrie was reading. We had fallen asleep with our arms around each other by the time Carrie came in. She said the next morning that he had been making funny noises in the night.. lol. We slept the three of us together in bed for the last night.
7.9.10
I tried to leave early, but none of the 3 of us wanted to get out of bed. haha. We were all awake at 7:30, but it was raining, so we all went back to bed. A few hours later, we all were awake again, but didn't feel like moving still, so we talked for a half hour or so about all sorts of things, but eventually fell asleep again. This happened 2 or 3 times, until we finally decided around 11 that we ought to get up :) We didn't do much. Just spent more time together. I tried to leave early, but I forgot things and had to backtrack. Carrie finally left, and I left Josh at the house. It was so strange to leave. I gave them all hugs and we parted ways. I stopped by Starbucks, and talked to Joseph and August. I was surprised at Joseph yet again. It's odd to think that not too long ago, I saw him pretty frequently, and talked to him pretty often as well. He still seems to like me well enough though, and we talked for a bit. Actually, like half an hour. Just about things that had been going on in our lives. Pretty superficially, but nonetheless, he and I can talk a bit. Then I left to try and meet up with Matthew and Melanie. We met at Red Lobster, and although I only meant to stay until their meal came, I was there for the whole thing. Which was fine actually, because 1. I missed Matthew terribly. I feel like I hadn't seen him since May or early early June. 2. They always eat well.. lol. Point being, I meant to leave Florence by 5:30 at the latest, and didn't end up leaving until closer to 7:40... But I made it back to Charleston in an hour and a half, like a Champ!
I'm very tired, but so so glad I went and saw Carrie and Josh and Megan and Liz and Brody and all of the others.
I feel like I'm going to be very close to a different group of people this semester. And I like that :) It's good to make friends.
And hopefully, I'll get the job at Starbucks that I applied for today! Fingers crossed and let's hope that my luck is lasting :/
7.4.10
Arrive in Florence. No one is about but Brody. We were bored. We had a water fight. He made lots of sexual references that, coming from Brody, I deemed kind of awkward. But it's not very important. Anyway, we watched a few fireworks, and I slept in Carrie's room, that was essentially my evening. Nothing to really write home about.
7.5.10
I went to Francis Marion with Brody for lack of anything better to do. I played piano. I visited the housing office. I read some of "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I don't know how much I like John Irving by the way. As I was sitting in the LSF building, I was right behind the soda machine for a while, and was thinking, how strange it is, that someone getting a soda, could be the person who in 2 or 3 years' time, is asking me out on a date, or even crazier, to get married. It just crossed my mind that life seems to be a lot about Chance. That you never know who you could have already crossed paths with and who just might be a big part of your life, when only a week ago, they walked past you and you didn't even notice. Then I also so PH. Shocking enough. Further impressing upon me that life seems to be Chance more than choice.
I went swimming with Liz later that evening and had dinner with her family. They had a fun little family rave, and I got to see Tom a bit more. Apparently he's going to FMU next year, which should be fun because I'll see him more and he'll also probably be at the apartment a lot. Lol. He seems like a sweet kid :)
Later that night, I decided that I would stay at Megan's. Carrie had smoked some before we drove over and was wigging out because when we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that the clock there said that it was July 5, 1989. Which I pointed out to her. She freaked, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we had burst through a hole in the space time continuum and what would we do if we had traveled back in time? Our families would be elsewhere, our friends wouldn't be anywhere near, we had strange cell-phones, and a later model of car. We would be outsiders with no money and few means. It sufficiently scared her, and almost drew me in... but it was funny :)
That night was the first night that Josh Carrie and I slept in the water bed. We all cuddled really close, and were warm and cozy. Haha. Very snuggily. lol.
7.6.10
We also went to FMU on Tuesday, and hung out with Megan some. PH was there, and I convinced Carrie to swim with us, somehow. Sometimes my luck is purely... fantastic. We swam for like, 30 minutes then had to get out. PH came over to the house and hung out for apparently a long time. I don't remember a period of separation. We cuddle in the house with everyone. Then when they left, we talked. I explained everything that he didn't understand about what had happened. And when he discovered everything, he felt he had to leave, but Carrie came back, and I wanted to be up there with her, and so did he, so he stayed. But I remember they left again later, and things were still awkward. So we were separate for a while. I guess he felt bad, and I can understand. It was just difficult. We went to Taco Bell later, and things were no less estranged. I drank later that night. He did not. I barely remember him leaving. I just remember being sad.
7.7.10
Mom and Dad had to come fix my tire. That was so terribly awkward. My friends had all gone, except for Brody while they were fixing the tire. They returned the last 10 minutes of the tire changing. I was so worried my parents knew they were high. Petrified even. It's all I could think about. For nearly 24 hours. Slept with Carrie and Josh again.
7.8.10
We got crunk, and then drove. For ever it seemed. We were so bored. We didn't know what else to do. So we just drove. There was a 2 or 3 hour break in between the drive, but we didn't notice it. Well, I didn't notice it anyway. It felt like we were in the car all the day long. We went to Timmonsville, unexpectedly. That's what happens when you just drive with no notion of where you're going. Just following your feet. Although, I sincerely hope that if I'm just following my feet someplace, that I end up somewhere much more interesting than the run-down glory that is Timmonsville. As we drove, at one point we sang along to Eleanor Rigby. I was kind of surprised to find us all singing along, but we were. The only one we all sang to... Then we came back. For a while, Josh and I were the only ones in bed because Carrie was reading. We had fallen asleep with our arms around each other by the time Carrie came in. She said the next morning that he had been making funny noises in the night.. lol. We slept the three of us together in bed for the last night.
7.9.10
I tried to leave early, but none of the 3 of us wanted to get out of bed. haha. We were all awake at 7:30, but it was raining, so we all went back to bed. A few hours later, we all were awake again, but didn't feel like moving still, so we talked for a half hour or so about all sorts of things, but eventually fell asleep again. This happened 2 or 3 times, until we finally decided around 11 that we ought to get up :) We didn't do much. Just spent more time together. I tried to leave early, but I forgot things and had to backtrack. Carrie finally left, and I left Josh at the house. It was so strange to leave. I gave them all hugs and we parted ways. I stopped by Starbucks, and talked to Joseph and August. I was surprised at Joseph yet again. It's odd to think that not too long ago, I saw him pretty frequently, and talked to him pretty often as well. He still seems to like me well enough though, and we talked for a bit. Actually, like half an hour. Just about things that had been going on in our lives. Pretty superficially, but nonetheless, he and I can talk a bit. Then I left to try and meet up with Matthew and Melanie. We met at Red Lobster, and although I only meant to stay until their meal came, I was there for the whole thing. Which was fine actually, because 1. I missed Matthew terribly. I feel like I hadn't seen him since May or early early June. 2. They always eat well.. lol. Point being, I meant to leave Florence by 5:30 at the latest, and didn't end up leaving until closer to 7:40... But I made it back to Charleston in an hour and a half, like a Champ!
I'm very tired, but so so glad I went and saw Carrie and Josh and Megan and Liz and Brody and all of the others.
I feel like I'm going to be very close to a different group of people this semester. And I like that :) It's good to make friends.
And hopefully, I'll get the job at Starbucks that I applied for today! Fingers crossed and let's hope that my luck is lasting :/
Sunday, July 4
What we have here
Is a failure to communicate.
Apparently, the plans I make are meant to be invalid because I didn't make them with the consent of the family.
My family doesn't make plans together, so I don't know what this nonsense is about trying to scapegoat me as the source of their problems, for all they say about 'not blaming' me or 'being angry'.
It just isn't right to be treated as though I'm incompetent. I'm not the one who failed to make plans until the day before they were meant to be acted upon.
Please. Like I really wanted to go anywhere with you anyway.
Tosh.
I did feel like I did better though. I didn't get severely angry like I did the other morning when I woke up to go visit the grandparents who don't even call to wish me happy birthday, and my car was gone. Mother took it without even any notice. She couldn't move the cars to reach hers, and took mine instead... Maybe it was a good reason. I'm not sure. It just didn't seem right.
My mom is very distracted by working on her doctorate. I get that it's difficult.
But shit, we're supposed to be a family and with how she's been acting as of late, taking care of the family seems to be last on her mind really.
That's fine. Get a divorce and get out. You'll be happier I'm sure.
Maybe it'll be better for the rest of us too.
You know, it's true what they say:
Nothing Could be Finer, than to be in Carolina.
So long as you're only dreaming, or in a coma.
Apparently, the plans I make are meant to be invalid because I didn't make them with the consent of the family.
My family doesn't make plans together, so I don't know what this nonsense is about trying to scapegoat me as the source of their problems, for all they say about 'not blaming' me or 'being angry'.
It just isn't right to be treated as though I'm incompetent. I'm not the one who failed to make plans until the day before they were meant to be acted upon.
Please. Like I really wanted to go anywhere with you anyway.
Tosh.
I did feel like I did better though. I didn't get severely angry like I did the other morning when I woke up to go visit the grandparents who don't even call to wish me happy birthday, and my car was gone. Mother took it without even any notice. She couldn't move the cars to reach hers, and took mine instead... Maybe it was a good reason. I'm not sure. It just didn't seem right.
My mom is very distracted by working on her doctorate. I get that it's difficult.
But shit, we're supposed to be a family and with how she's been acting as of late, taking care of the family seems to be last on her mind really.
That's fine. Get a divorce and get out. You'll be happier I'm sure.
Maybe it'll be better for the rest of us too.
You know, it's true what they say:
Nothing Could be Finer, than to be in Carolina.
So long as you're only dreaming, or in a coma.
Sunday, June 27
Something old, something new?
Something old: I'm dead bored kinda.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.
Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.
Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"
Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)
I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.
Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.
Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"
Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)
I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.
Tuesday, June 22
We're the New Face of Failure
I'm Like a Lawyer, with the way I'm always trying to get you off (me and you)
Fall Out Boy
Last year's wishes,
Are this year's apologies.
Every last time I come home,
I take my last chance,
To burn a bridge or two.
I only keep myself this sick in the head,
'Cause I know how the words get you.
We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.
Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.
The best,
Way to make it through,
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize,
Two out of three ain't bad.
Ain't bad.
Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
Me And you setting in a honeymoon.
(Honeymoon.)
Fall Out Boy
Last year's wishes,
Are this year's apologies.
Every last time I come home,
I take my last chance,
To burn a bridge or two.
I only keep myself this sick in the head,
'Cause I know how the words get you.
We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.
Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.
The best,
Way to make it through,
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize,
Two out of three ain't bad.
Ain't bad.
Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
Me And you setting in a honeymoon.
(Honeymoon.)
Sunday, June 13
Busy Busy Bee
The first of February, I made this list of goals. I'm going to make it much shorter so it takes up less space, but I can still go through everything I've done.
1. participate in some extra-curricular
2. pass math. With a B
3. play cello more. At least as much as I'm practicing piano right now.
4. be a better friend.
5. keep up with blogging
6. start a dream blog!
7. send a post secret.
8. branch out - make more friends
9. lose weight.
10. love my family more.
Geeze. With explanations, it took up a lot more space than just 10 lines...
Anyway, I wanted to look at this list, and see what all I've accomplished.
I did try out for a play. That's a step. Even if I didn't get a part, I had the courage to attempt.
I did pass math with a B!!!
I still don't play cello that much... or at all :/
I'm working on the be-a-better-friend thing. I think it's working.
I've been keeping up with this blog pretty well, and my dream blog too.
I have yet to send a post secret.
Branching out is difficult when there's no place FOR you to branch, but I'm doing the best I can with my opportunities.. I think anyway.
Nope. I have not yet really lost any weight :/ Lazy arse.. :(
I think it's working. I feel somewhat better about my family, so, maybe it's working.
The point of this though, was for me to say something I felt like needed saying.
I'm not perfect.
As if that wasn't obvious.
But I'm working on what I know for a fact I need to fix.
For example, being baptized. I've known for years that I needed to do that. And now, I've finally taken care of it, which is an amazing thing. But being an amazing Christ-follower isn't about professing his name and then public proclamation of your faith. There's so much more than that.
It's your behavior, it's your language, it's your actions.
Mine aren't nearly where they need to be.
I still want what I want because I want it.
I don't pray enough.
I never read my Bible.
I'm not saying I'm a terrible person. I just feel like there's a lot I still need to work on before I feel comfortable saying I'm a Christian and I love God, and I know that I'm solid in my faith.
Then again, who said having faith meant being in your comfort zone?
I feel like there's so much to do.
I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I want to be.
1. participate in some extra-curricular
2. pass math. With a B
3. play cello more. At least as much as I'm practicing piano right now.
4. be a better friend.
5. keep up with blogging
6. start a dream blog!
7. send a post secret.
8. branch out - make more friends
9. lose weight.
10. love my family more.
Geeze. With explanations, it took up a lot more space than just 10 lines...
Anyway, I wanted to look at this list, and see what all I've accomplished.
I did try out for a play. That's a step. Even if I didn't get a part, I had the courage to attempt.
I did pass math with a B!!!
I still don't play cello that much... or at all :/
I'm working on the be-a-better-friend thing. I think it's working.
I've been keeping up with this blog pretty well, and my dream blog too.
I have yet to send a post secret.
Branching out is difficult when there's no place FOR you to branch, but I'm doing the best I can with my opportunities.. I think anyway.
Nope. I have not yet really lost any weight :/ Lazy arse.. :(
I think it's working. I feel somewhat better about my family, so, maybe it's working.
The point of this though, was for me to say something I felt like needed saying.
I'm not perfect.
As if that wasn't obvious.
But I'm working on what I know for a fact I need to fix.
For example, being baptized. I've known for years that I needed to do that. And now, I've finally taken care of it, which is an amazing thing. But being an amazing Christ-follower isn't about professing his name and then public proclamation of your faith. There's so much more than that.
It's your behavior, it's your language, it's your actions.
Mine aren't nearly where they need to be.
I still want what I want because I want it.
I don't pray enough.
I never read my Bible.
I'm not saying I'm a terrible person. I just feel like there's a lot I still need to work on before I feel comfortable saying I'm a Christian and I love God, and I know that I'm solid in my faith.
Then again, who said having faith meant being in your comfort zone?
I feel like there's so much to do.
I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I want to be.
Tuesday, June 1
I Eye Aye
I make bad choices.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..
I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..
I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.
Tuesday, May 18
Life is Fucking Unpredictable.
No crazy curve balls today that ruined my life or anything, just thoughts (in explanation of the title).
Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.
Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.
In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.
And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.
With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.
I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.
How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.
I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.
Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.
Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.
In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.
And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.
With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.
I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.
How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.
I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.
More-on Me
LAYER 1: ABOUT YOU
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.
Monday, May 10
Andersen Cook
Is a dumb little girl.
But at least now she knows it and is moving on.
She also has a cute new hair cut and is thinking about dying it a little darker, with some gold which will be just the teeny change that she needed.
"In other news", her room is almost clean, which means that she will soon be able to paint! Hooray!
She is also terribly excited about the visit she will be having from a friend named Liz Worn whom she rarely sees but loves spending time with.
Also, I had a thought about family while I was cleaning.
You know they say that you don't see the product of a parents parenting until the grandkids. The reason being that you don't really know how well you did with your offspring till you see your offspring's offspring. So props to G-moneies for making me turn out awesome.
But really, I was thinking on a more specific level. I don't know, it's menial what I thought of, but nonetheless I thought of it, so here goes.
One way in which I will differ from my parents:
They always complain about the cleanliness of a household. Always. Unless it's spotless. But rarely do they ever ever actually clean it. So they bitch and moan for days or weeks or what have you, but nothing ever gets done until company is coming over, which means that everyone flips out for 2-4 business days right up until the visitor has arrived.
I don't play that shit. My parents claim they love for a place to be clean, but really, it's dirty. All of the time. Myself on the other hand, I prefer a clean living space. I don't really complain about it (from what I can guess). I just see a need and fulfill it.
That's just one thing I thought of earlier. Set an example for your kids by cleaning up after yourself. Rather than leave a mess and bitch later.
Also, I refuse to have a dog that's not house-trained or is a fucking retard. My basset hound will be brilliant and well-behaved.
But at least now she knows it and is moving on.
She also has a cute new hair cut and is thinking about dying it a little darker, with some gold which will be just the teeny change that she needed.
"In other news", her room is almost clean, which means that she will soon be able to paint! Hooray!
She is also terribly excited about the visit she will be having from a friend named Liz Worn whom she rarely sees but loves spending time with.
Also, I had a thought about family while I was cleaning.
You know they say that you don't see the product of a parents parenting until the grandkids. The reason being that you don't really know how well you did with your offspring till you see your offspring's offspring. So props to G-moneies for making me turn out awesome.
But really, I was thinking on a more specific level. I don't know, it's menial what I thought of, but nonetheless I thought of it, so here goes.
One way in which I will differ from my parents:
They always complain about the cleanliness of a household. Always. Unless it's spotless. But rarely do they ever ever actually clean it. So they bitch and moan for days or weeks or what have you, but nothing ever gets done until company is coming over, which means that everyone flips out for 2-4 business days right up until the visitor has arrived.
I don't play that shit. My parents claim they love for a place to be clean, but really, it's dirty. All of the time. Myself on the other hand, I prefer a clean living space. I don't really complain about it (from what I can guess). I just see a need and fulfill it.
That's just one thing I thought of earlier. Set an example for your kids by cleaning up after yourself. Rather than leave a mess and bitch later.
Also, I refuse to have a dog that's not house-trained or is a fucking retard. My basset hound will be brilliant and well-behaved.
Wednesday, April 21
"Oh I wish I could go to the ball"
And then Fairy Godmother appears.
I have no ball to go to, but since yesterday I've been feeling a little less excited about going home.
Only a little (because I'm still so excited about cleaning/organizing/re-painting my room. As well as the many little projects I've got planned), but still enough to not want to go home as much.
Mum and I got in a bit of a tiff yesterday. For a few days now I've mentioned that she (or someone) should come up and get a few things so I don't have to carry down every damn thing by myself. You'd think that'd be reasonable, yes? I didn't carry up everything by myself. And there's hella stuff in my room. It's going to take a full day most likely for me to pack everything and carry it all down 4 flights of stairs. And then back up. All by myself.
Shit. Apparently it's an impossibility for someone to get the microwave and refrigerator that they senselessly bought me.
Dumb. Completely idiotic.
I have no trash bags, and they're expecting me to carry all of my clothes down in laundry bags.
WHAT THE FUCK MOM.
I realize it's not thatttt big of an issue. It's just stuff, and who knows, maybe it won't take that long. But that's not the only thing that frustrated me.
Mum and Morgan both made a joke about how excited they were for me to come back. So I could cook and clean.
Hence, Cinderella.
Nothing else to be excited about whatsoever. Purely - hey, Andersen will be free to do the shit that we've been putting off and too preoccupied to take care of ourselves.
I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. It just seems like, it's not a joke to say that's all I'm good for when it comes to that family. To clean-up after them.
Maybe it would be different if Morgan didn't make herself so busy, or if Dad wasn't a misogynist (maybe not that extreme, but presumes he's married to June Cleaver), or Mom wasn't a workaholic - probably trying her best to avoid being home.
I suppose if you were to look at my family and try and diagnose all of our problems, mine would be I try to avoid my family. And why shouldn't I? It seems like they're all trying to avoid me too.
Maybe I'm playing the role of 'angsty-teen' again in some absurd teen-movie-melodrama, but I'm agitated by it. I can't really help it. I don't like feeling neglected.
And I mention melodrama because I know that things are tough all over for everyone, and many more times over worse for other people, but it's how I view the situation.
But maybe people will come visit over the summer, and I'll be able to get away, so hope's not lost all just yet.
Sunday, April 11
Baby baby now, Feel the Waltz
In a Regina Spektor mood.
And also Andrew Bird.
As well as the White Stripes and The Decemberists.
Other stuff I can't remember.
Mellow, and happy, and sunshiney :)
It's been a good day.
Hung out with my 2 gay besties. Always fun.
Had coffee and cigarettes.
Listened to music, talked for a few hours about things.
Saw my dear friend Ashley at Coker, and even though we didn't do much, I always have a fun time with her. She's such a darling.
Realized I'm actually getting tanner.
Discovered that I have plans for my life. Generic, but there nonetheless.
Missing some things I'm sure. Like a teeny piece of my heart. But you know, it's not a big enough piece to miss for now.
And I'm sure that at some point it'll be filled right? Before the desperation sets in.
And I think I'm getting a bunny by the Fall! So excited! A little Netherland dwarf. So adorable. And little... yay :)
and I'm getting an apartment with Melissa next semester (hopefully). We'll just have to see how things go.
And I have plans for the summer.
And my mom wants to redecorate my room with an Indian theme (random much, Ma?)
And I plan on minimizing the crap that's currently being stored in my room.
And when I'm not doing other stuff I have a plan for weight loss as well as keeping up with the decent literature that I've so been missing out on.
And I plan on seeing all sorts of people this summer and I've ordered things offline and I'm beginning to pack for going back home and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to summer. Not for being out of school, I'm loving school right now. But because I'll get to see people I've missed and I'm going to be taking classes.
(Not looking forward to Business Stats - Math 140 - but it's a necessary evil...)
It just feels like there's so much to look forward to and it's all so sudden and I'm almost ALMOST overwhelmed with a contentedness that I haven't felt in maybe.. ever.
<3
And also Andrew Bird.
As well as the White Stripes and The Decemberists.
Other stuff I can't remember.
Mellow, and happy, and sunshiney :)
It's been a good day.
Hung out with my 2 gay besties. Always fun.
Had coffee and cigarettes.
Listened to music, talked for a few hours about things.
Saw my dear friend Ashley at Coker, and even though we didn't do much, I always have a fun time with her. She's such a darling.
Realized I'm actually getting tanner.
Discovered that I have plans for my life. Generic, but there nonetheless.
Missing some things I'm sure. Like a teeny piece of my heart. But you know, it's not a big enough piece to miss for now.
And I'm sure that at some point it'll be filled right? Before the desperation sets in.
And I think I'm getting a bunny by the Fall! So excited! A little Netherland dwarf. So adorable. And little... yay :)
and I'm getting an apartment with Melissa next semester (hopefully). We'll just have to see how things go.
And I have plans for the summer.
And my mom wants to redecorate my room with an Indian theme (random much, Ma?)
And I plan on minimizing the crap that's currently being stored in my room.
And when I'm not doing other stuff I have a plan for weight loss as well as keeping up with the decent literature that I've so been missing out on.
And I plan on seeing all sorts of people this summer and I've ordered things offline and I'm beginning to pack for going back home and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to summer. Not for being out of school, I'm loving school right now. But because I'll get to see people I've missed and I'm going to be taking classes.
(Not looking forward to Business Stats - Math 140 - but it's a necessary evil...)
It just feels like there's so much to look forward to and it's all so sudden and I'm almost ALMOST overwhelmed with a contentedness that I haven't felt in maybe.. ever.
<3
Sunday, February 21
Who Knew?
Looking at pictures of old friends from high school, or at the very least, people I knew.
I can't imagine why I did it in the first place.
It meant nothing so far as college was concerned. I got 6 measly hours of credit.
It's just completely unfair.
And even more than that, I came out of that program with... maybe 5 friends.
Who knows, maybe the next 3 years will fly by too?
And looking back, I.B. was the biggest waste of my life ever.
I can't imagine why I did it in the first place.
It meant nothing so far as college was concerned. I got 6 measly hours of credit.
If I'd just taken Honors classes, not only would I have gotten A's, but I would've been able to take classes at Tech that would've immediately qualified me for more credit hours.
It's just completely unfair.
And even more than that, I came out of that program with... maybe 5 friends.
Enough to count on one hand that I like and still talk to pretty frequently.
What would've happened if I'd branched outside the I.B. boughs? I'm quite sure that I would've been happier, and that my time would've been much better spent.
20/20 hindsight.. It was a mistake, and I learned from it. Hopefully in the future I'll be able to assess a situation more properly before jumping in to such a commitment. I was only 15 when I decided to go into I.B. after all.
The people on my hall are nauseating.
I can't wait to be rid of them all (for the most part).
The year will soon be up.
Who knows, maybe the next 3 years will fly by too?
I guess one can only hope.
Friday, February 5
Did you see her Third Eye?
I have several predictions for the coming days.
I will start out by saying: yesterday, I claimed that this weekend would be spectacular starting Thursday.
Here's what my thoughts are...
Firstly, I knew that I would be spending time with Matthew (a.k.a. Disney) who is a lovely friend and has begun to instill in me an appreciation for Buffy the Vampire Slayer [tres super].
Secondly, I knew that I would be antiquing with Mels. She's rad :]
Thirdly, I will be consuming gratuitous amounts of beverages tomorrow evening and a dear friend will visit.
It will be marvelous.
Fourth: I will be going to USC. Where I will likely consume more tasty beverages with people I don't know terribly well.
It's a possibility anyway. It may not happen, I may just spend time with a dear friend completely... myself.
Fifthly, I can't figure out the damn picture thing, so I'm not adding anymore, but you get the gist that good things will occur this weekend.
And when I get back from USC, I'll probably watch more Buffy with Matthew.
When life is simple, life is good.
:]
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