All of a sudden, I'm kind of taking an inventory of my life, and I feel like I'm almost where I need to be.
Like, an overwhelming sense of self, and understanding of life plans and all such nonsense.
Really, like this very moment.
I feel like I basically know who I am, and what I want in life and just...
Not happy.
But good.
If that makes sense.
I'm in a good place right now, and I have this feeling like, everything will get better from here. At least for a while.
It's a nice feeling.
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label honesty. Show all posts
Thursday, July 15
Sunday, June 20
5-second rule
5 seconds can make all the difference. Even if it's just a smile and a wave. That gives you all you need to know.
This past weekend in Florence was wonderful, as always.
Dearly missed them all. Sorry that I wasn't able to see more of them longer, but I figured I'd be back soon, and there's not much more to be done than that.
Today, Nick and I hung out for like, 6 or 7 hours. At one point, we were nearby an almost empty pool and we started making water droplet patterns on the cement and watching the water spread. Like a Rorschach test.
He kept seeing Pokemon. That was kind of funny.
I kept seeing two figures kiss. (just for clarification, when I thought of the 2 figures, Nick wasn't one of them)
I just thought it was kind of sad and all.
There was so much that I learned this weekend. So much that I partook in, and experienced.
But the truth is, none of it really changed much, either what would happen, or how things would be handled.
At least Nick has been doing better lately. I feel a lot less tired, especially after my sojourn in Florence, and I feel like maybe it was just the R&R I needed.
Thank goodness :)
This past weekend in Florence was wonderful, as always.
Dearly missed them all. Sorry that I wasn't able to see more of them longer, but I figured I'd be back soon, and there's not much more to be done than that.
Today, Nick and I hung out for like, 6 or 7 hours. At one point, we were nearby an almost empty pool and we started making water droplet patterns on the cement and watching the water spread. Like a Rorschach test.
He kept seeing Pokemon. That was kind of funny.
I kept seeing two figures kiss. (just for clarification, when I thought of the 2 figures, Nick wasn't one of them)
I just thought it was kind of sad and all.
There was so much that I learned this weekend. So much that I partook in, and experienced.
But the truth is, none of it really changed much, either what would happen, or how things would be handled.
At least Nick has been doing better lately. I feel a lot less tired, especially after my sojourn in Florence, and I feel like maybe it was just the R&R I needed.
Thank goodness :)
Tuesday, June 1
Emotionally Exhausted
I am completely rent. There is nothing left of me to give.
We've had the same conversation about 30 times. It always ends the same.
You're unreasonable, and you ask too much, even of me.
I can't help you anymore, but I don't know what else to do. There's nothing more to say.
Life right now, for you, is divided into "what I can do" and "what I want to do".
Until you decide that you want to live, I know that you think "I can die and solve it all".
Nothing I say can change that.
I just have to trust that you want to live, rather than not.
We've had the same conversation about 30 times. It always ends the same.
You're unreasonable, and you ask too much, even of me.
I can't help you anymore, but I don't know what else to do. There's nothing more to say.
Life right now, for you, is divided into "what I can do" and "what I want to do".
Until you decide that you want to live, I know that you think "I can die and solve it all".
Nothing I say can change that.
I just have to trust that you want to live, rather than not.
I Eye Aye
I make bad choices.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..
I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..
I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.
Wednesday, May 26
5.20-5.24
5.20
Started the day of the trip by spending the most marvelous time with dear friend Zach, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year, and the daring, darling Soleil whom I also love and hadn't seen in what felt almost as long as I'd seen Zachary.
We watched The Last Unicorn. Which I hadn't seen in at least 10 years or more. Morgan and I used to borrow it from the local library and we both loved it immensely.
I dyed my hair. It's darker brown. I like it a lot. And the people who noticed at all like it too.
I left for Florence. I saw my Starbucks friends. Some of them anyway. I saw Mels. And Kadi. And Jordan New. And August Langley. And met Adam Sims and Grayson Hiatt. I don't remember what else. Mels cooked dinner. For some reason it seemed out of character but it was delicious. Mad props to her.
5.21
Stayed inside all day. Everyone was busy. Mels was working. I was lonely. And read In Cold Blood. Dinner the next night was also made by Melissa and equally delicious. Hung out with August, Jordan, Kadi, Adam and Grayson again. For whatever reason, the sillies were intent on hooking up Grayson and I because we 'look alike'. Psh. As if that's reason enough to date someone.. No thanks. I'm sure he's probably a great kid, but no thanks. I'm not interested no matter how many times you ask. It made Kadi and me laugh a great deal, which was fun. Probably the most laughs she and I have ever shared. She seemed to like me very much, which is still somewhat new to me.
5.22
First day at The House. Accidentally woke up Josh, who answered the door only half-dressed seeing as he was sleeping when I knocked on the door. Brody and I played the keyboard. That was fun. And ended up waking Carrie which made me happy because I had missed her very much. We all had a laugh. And then soon the whole house was up. I don't think we did much that day. Everyone was wandering about in anticipation since that night several of them were barhopping. Carrie and I stayed behind with Brody. And Chris and Rosa. Everyone else left as I recall. Nick called. He mentioned how depressed he was. I didn't realize till he called and mentioned how bad off he'd been. It was terrible to hear how bad it sounded and I felt bad that I couldn't do anything about it.
Carrie and I made delicious real pie which everyone very much enjoyed (before they left for the bars). REAL PIE. N-N-N-N-NOT the FAKE pie.
Carrie and I did things of a slightly illegal nature. We had lots and lots of fun for a while. Watched Sailor Moon. Went outside and enjoyed nature. We had a perfect moment. One of those few which can be replicated. Life, for a little while, was perfect. There was nothing wrong with it. Everything was whole and pure and full of only good. It was one of the greatest moments I've ever experienced in a drive-way at midnight. Then I over-did myself. I went to far and started to get sick. Not before making an ass of myself. I called Sabastian and Nick. I don't remember those phone calls. I don't know what I said. Apparently it was all very funny. I remember images. I remember being sick. Very sick. So sick it felt like all of my insides were scrambling to get out of me. They were doing a bang up job. I laid on the ground for what felt like minutes in recall but was more like hours. Emptying the contents of my intestines. I cried. I remember crying, probably in pain, I don't know why to be sure. I just remember feeling awful. My whole body wracked in agony. I remember clutching a toilet bowl for dear life, feeling as though I'd fall off the face of the earth if I didn't grip it as tightly as my aching muscles would allow. I remember people standing over me, with so many different looks on each face. Some pity, some knowingly, others in determination to get me to stop being sick. Not one face was able. Eventually a friend helped me to bed, where he held back my hair as I continued to dry-heave and rub my back till I fell asleep. Sometime around 5 am.
5.23
The next morning wasn't nearly as equally dreadful. I didn't remember much of the night before. I wasn't even sick. I went to church. Mels made fun of me for being ill. Which didn't help the illness. I got baptized while Mel and Jordan made bets on when I would spew. It was the first time I'd ever been baptized. It felt like the right time. Except for the whole being sick the night before thing. Which I acknowledge isn't good. But I got baptized and that is no small feat in and of itself as I had been waiting on the edge for years, wondering when I would meet that steep-edge running. And I finally did. And I will always remember.
Carrie and I danced in the rain. It was another excellent moment. I wore the same shirt I got baptized in, and it felt almost like a second baptism. The whole day seemed a clear blue. Not that the sky was blue, it was gray, but everything seemed clean and beautiful. And it probably was.
I also found out how much of an idiot I made of myself the night before. Telling people things that maybe they ought not to have known at all. I was so ashamed. Carrie thought it was funny, and I know in retrospect, the moment will likely exponentially multiply in hilarity. At the time, all I could do was blush in shame.
We didn't do much that night. I think I slept most of the day away. I was so tired from the night before. I made brownies from scratch that everyone loved.
5.24
I got up and made omelets for everyone who wanted one. I didn't. I still couldn't eat. Said goodbye to the people who had played host the two nights before. I went to lunch with Carrie and Josh. Where I didn't eat. But we referenced my coming and visiting again very very soon. Carrie referenced how I'd made a fool of myself, but I didn't mind. We'd made a really awesome connection. And I feel like no matter what, we'll always have an understanding. She's a very interesting person. And in some ways, so like me. We made jokes in front of Josh, and he mentioned how excited he was for his birthday. When we got back, they tried to kidnap me so I'd stay, but eventually I did have to leave. We were all very sad. And I hope to be back soon.
I went to Starbucks to say my last goodbyes.
I went home.
And was lonely.
Started the day of the trip by spending the most marvelous time with dear friend Zach, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year, and the daring, darling Soleil whom I also love and hadn't seen in what felt almost as long as I'd seen Zachary.
We watched The Last Unicorn. Which I hadn't seen in at least 10 years or more. Morgan and I used to borrow it from the local library and we both loved it immensely.
I dyed my hair. It's darker brown. I like it a lot. And the people who noticed at all like it too.
I left for Florence. I saw my Starbucks friends. Some of them anyway. I saw Mels. And Kadi. And Jordan New. And August Langley. And met Adam Sims and Grayson Hiatt. I don't remember what else. Mels cooked dinner. For some reason it seemed out of character but it was delicious. Mad props to her.
5.21
Stayed inside all day. Everyone was busy. Mels was working. I was lonely. And read In Cold Blood. Dinner the next night was also made by Melissa and equally delicious. Hung out with August, Jordan, Kadi, Adam and Grayson again. For whatever reason, the sillies were intent on hooking up Grayson and I because we 'look alike'. Psh. As if that's reason enough to date someone.. No thanks. I'm sure he's probably a great kid, but no thanks. I'm not interested no matter how many times you ask. It made Kadi and me laugh a great deal, which was fun. Probably the most laughs she and I have ever shared. She seemed to like me very much, which is still somewhat new to me.
5.22
First day at The House. Accidentally woke up Josh, who answered the door only half-dressed seeing as he was sleeping when I knocked on the door. Brody and I played the keyboard. That was fun. And ended up waking Carrie which made me happy because I had missed her very much. We all had a laugh. And then soon the whole house was up. I don't think we did much that day. Everyone was wandering about in anticipation since that night several of them were barhopping. Carrie and I stayed behind with Brody. And Chris and Rosa. Everyone else left as I recall. Nick called. He mentioned how depressed he was. I didn't realize till he called and mentioned how bad off he'd been. It was terrible to hear how bad it sounded and I felt bad that I couldn't do anything about it.
Carrie and I made delicious real pie which everyone very much enjoyed (before they left for the bars). REAL PIE. N-N-N-N-NOT the FAKE pie.
Carrie and I did things of a slightly illegal nature. We had lots and lots of fun for a while. Watched Sailor Moon. Went outside and enjoyed nature. We had a perfect moment. One of those few which can be replicated. Life, for a little while, was perfect. There was nothing wrong with it. Everything was whole and pure and full of only good. It was one of the greatest moments I've ever experienced in a drive-way at midnight. Then I over-did myself. I went to far and started to get sick. Not before making an ass of myself. I called Sabastian and Nick. I don't remember those phone calls. I don't know what I said. Apparently it was all very funny. I remember images. I remember being sick. Very sick. So sick it felt like all of my insides were scrambling to get out of me. They were doing a bang up job. I laid on the ground for what felt like minutes in recall but was more like hours. Emptying the contents of my intestines. I cried. I remember crying, probably in pain, I don't know why to be sure. I just remember feeling awful. My whole body wracked in agony. I remember clutching a toilet bowl for dear life, feeling as though I'd fall off the face of the earth if I didn't grip it as tightly as my aching muscles would allow. I remember people standing over me, with so many different looks on each face. Some pity, some knowingly, others in determination to get me to stop being sick. Not one face was able. Eventually a friend helped me to bed, where he held back my hair as I continued to dry-heave and rub my back till I fell asleep. Sometime around 5 am.
5.23
The next morning wasn't nearly as equally dreadful. I didn't remember much of the night before. I wasn't even sick. I went to church. Mels made fun of me for being ill. Which didn't help the illness. I got baptized while Mel and Jordan made bets on when I would spew. It was the first time I'd ever been baptized. It felt like the right time. Except for the whole being sick the night before thing. Which I acknowledge isn't good. But I got baptized and that is no small feat in and of itself as I had been waiting on the edge for years, wondering when I would meet that steep-edge running. And I finally did. And I will always remember.
Carrie and I danced in the rain. It was another excellent moment. I wore the same shirt I got baptized in, and it felt almost like a second baptism. The whole day seemed a clear blue. Not that the sky was blue, it was gray, but everything seemed clean and beautiful. And it probably was.
I also found out how much of an idiot I made of myself the night before. Telling people things that maybe they ought not to have known at all. I was so ashamed. Carrie thought it was funny, and I know in retrospect, the moment will likely exponentially multiply in hilarity. At the time, all I could do was blush in shame.
We didn't do much that night. I think I slept most of the day away. I was so tired from the night before. I made brownies from scratch that everyone loved.
5.24
I got up and made omelets for everyone who wanted one. I didn't. I still couldn't eat. Said goodbye to the people who had played host the two nights before. I went to lunch with Carrie and Josh. Where I didn't eat. But we referenced my coming and visiting again very very soon. Carrie referenced how I'd made a fool of myself, but I didn't mind. We'd made a really awesome connection. And I feel like no matter what, we'll always have an understanding. She's a very interesting person. And in some ways, so like me. We made jokes in front of Josh, and he mentioned how excited he was for his birthday. When we got back, they tried to kidnap me so I'd stay, but eventually I did have to leave. We were all very sad. And I hope to be back soon.
I went to Starbucks to say my last goodbyes.
I went home.
And was lonely.
Tuesday, May 25
सो सो सो
There's so much to say. It's too late to write it all, and I'm tired, and for some reason I think I may have to work in the morning.. but perhaps not.
I don't know. If I get a call I'll be there. Otherwise, nuh uh.
I'll have to take a big chunk of time out to tell the tales of this weekend.. for they are many.
Interesting and just...
Lessons. All of them.
I don't know. If I get a call I'll be there. Otherwise, nuh uh.
I'll have to take a big chunk of time out to tell the tales of this weekend.. for they are many.
Interesting and just...
Lessons. All of them.
Tuesday, May 18
Life is Fucking Unpredictable.
No crazy curve balls today that ruined my life or anything, just thoughts (in explanation of the title).
Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.
Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.
In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.
And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.
With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.
I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.
How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.
I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.
Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.
Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.
In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.
And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.
With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.
I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.
How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.
I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.
More-on Me
LAYER 1: ABOUT YOU
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.
Monday, May 10
Andersen Cook
Is a dumb little girl.
But at least now she knows it and is moving on.
She also has a cute new hair cut and is thinking about dying it a little darker, with some gold which will be just the teeny change that she needed.
"In other news", her room is almost clean, which means that she will soon be able to paint! Hooray!
She is also terribly excited about the visit she will be having from a friend named Liz Worn whom she rarely sees but loves spending time with.
Also, I had a thought about family while I was cleaning.
You know they say that you don't see the product of a parents parenting until the grandkids. The reason being that you don't really know how well you did with your offspring till you see your offspring's offspring. So props to G-moneies for making me turn out awesome.
But really, I was thinking on a more specific level. I don't know, it's menial what I thought of, but nonetheless I thought of it, so here goes.
One way in which I will differ from my parents:
They always complain about the cleanliness of a household. Always. Unless it's spotless. But rarely do they ever ever actually clean it. So they bitch and moan for days or weeks or what have you, but nothing ever gets done until company is coming over, which means that everyone flips out for 2-4 business days right up until the visitor has arrived.
I don't play that shit. My parents claim they love for a place to be clean, but really, it's dirty. All of the time. Myself on the other hand, I prefer a clean living space. I don't really complain about it (from what I can guess). I just see a need and fulfill it.
That's just one thing I thought of earlier. Set an example for your kids by cleaning up after yourself. Rather than leave a mess and bitch later.
Also, I refuse to have a dog that's not house-trained or is a fucking retard. My basset hound will be brilliant and well-behaved.
But at least now she knows it and is moving on.
She also has a cute new hair cut and is thinking about dying it a little darker, with some gold which will be just the teeny change that she needed.
"In other news", her room is almost clean, which means that she will soon be able to paint! Hooray!
She is also terribly excited about the visit she will be having from a friend named Liz Worn whom she rarely sees but loves spending time with.
Also, I had a thought about family while I was cleaning.
You know they say that you don't see the product of a parents parenting until the grandkids. The reason being that you don't really know how well you did with your offspring till you see your offspring's offspring. So props to G-moneies for making me turn out awesome.
But really, I was thinking on a more specific level. I don't know, it's menial what I thought of, but nonetheless I thought of it, so here goes.
One way in which I will differ from my parents:
They always complain about the cleanliness of a household. Always. Unless it's spotless. But rarely do they ever ever actually clean it. So they bitch and moan for days or weeks or what have you, but nothing ever gets done until company is coming over, which means that everyone flips out for 2-4 business days right up until the visitor has arrived.
I don't play that shit. My parents claim they love for a place to be clean, but really, it's dirty. All of the time. Myself on the other hand, I prefer a clean living space. I don't really complain about it (from what I can guess). I just see a need and fulfill it.
That's just one thing I thought of earlier. Set an example for your kids by cleaning up after yourself. Rather than leave a mess and bitch later.
Also, I refuse to have a dog that's not house-trained or is a fucking retard. My basset hound will be brilliant and well-behaved.
Sunday, May 2
... Easy as Pie
I wish all things were..
I forgot that when someone you like kisses you, your stomach flutters... It's been awhile.
I can't stop thinking all sorts of things about it, even though I know I shouldn't and it doesn't matter. But I didn't start this. It wasn't my fault.
It's just on repeat, the events of that night.
He shouldn't have kissed me, even if I wanted him to.
I didn't ask for this.
I forgot that when someone you like kisses you, your stomach flutters... It's been awhile.
I can't stop thinking all sorts of things about it, even though I know I shouldn't and it doesn't matter. But I didn't start this. It wasn't my fault.
It's just on repeat, the events of that night.
He shouldn't have kissed me, even if I wanted him to.
I didn't ask for this.
Wednesday, April 21
"Oh I wish I could go to the ball"
And then Fairy Godmother appears.
I have no ball to go to, but since yesterday I've been feeling a little less excited about going home.
Only a little (because I'm still so excited about cleaning/organizing/re-painting my room. As well as the many little projects I've got planned), but still enough to not want to go home as much.
Mum and I got in a bit of a tiff yesterday. For a few days now I've mentioned that she (or someone) should come up and get a few things so I don't have to carry down every damn thing by myself. You'd think that'd be reasonable, yes? I didn't carry up everything by myself. And there's hella stuff in my room. It's going to take a full day most likely for me to pack everything and carry it all down 4 flights of stairs. And then back up. All by myself.
Shit. Apparently it's an impossibility for someone to get the microwave and refrigerator that they senselessly bought me.
Dumb. Completely idiotic.
I have no trash bags, and they're expecting me to carry all of my clothes down in laundry bags.
WHAT THE FUCK MOM.
I realize it's not thatttt big of an issue. It's just stuff, and who knows, maybe it won't take that long. But that's not the only thing that frustrated me.
Mum and Morgan both made a joke about how excited they were for me to come back. So I could cook and clean.
Hence, Cinderella.
Nothing else to be excited about whatsoever. Purely - hey, Andersen will be free to do the shit that we've been putting off and too preoccupied to take care of ourselves.
I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. It just seems like, it's not a joke to say that's all I'm good for when it comes to that family. To clean-up after them.
Maybe it would be different if Morgan didn't make herself so busy, or if Dad wasn't a misogynist (maybe not that extreme, but presumes he's married to June Cleaver), or Mom wasn't a workaholic - probably trying her best to avoid being home.
I suppose if you were to look at my family and try and diagnose all of our problems, mine would be I try to avoid my family. And why shouldn't I? It seems like they're all trying to avoid me too.
Maybe I'm playing the role of 'angsty-teen' again in some absurd teen-movie-melodrama, but I'm agitated by it. I can't really help it. I don't like feeling neglected.
And I mention melodrama because I know that things are tough all over for everyone, and many more times over worse for other people, but it's how I view the situation.
But maybe people will come visit over the summer, and I'll be able to get away, so hope's not lost all just yet.
Wednesday, March 3
In a matter of Moments
Well, I'm a little happy right now.
I didn't think about what I was going to write about until I sat down and started writing this. I'm in the computer lab and I didn't realize I only have 20 minutes till class starts.
But I guess I'll write about this past weekend. I went home and it was not nearly as refreshing as I thought it would be for several reasons. But it also opened my eyes a bit.
I always say I love and miss my sister a lot. This weekend however, she was more interested in what was going on in her own life than seeing what I was up to. Or wanting to spend time with me. She hasn't seen me since Christmas. And I realize that she has a lot going on, not just a lot, but far too much: Robotics, softball, IB, a job. She's spreading herself far too thin for one 16 year old girl. But such is what she's made her life. Anyway, I missed her and wanted to see her.
My parents on the other hand, I realized, they always want me home. Well, I knew that part. But what really came to frustrate me was what we all did when they finally managed to get me home. They didn't want to talk. Morgan had softball games. So Dad was there. Mom had homework. So what did I do the majority of my Saturday? Sat and watched TV. Now, I understand that as parents, they miss me. But why the hell would you want me to come home if you're not going to concern yourselves with even communicating with me when I am? It just seems all very stupid.
Beyond parents, I visited my grandmother, and that surely was a frustrating visit too. She wanted to lecture me on loving my parents for who they are and appreciating all they do for me. I suppose it's true, they do a lot. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't respect them and appreciate their actions. But to go so far as to imply that problems are my fault or that I don't appreciate them enough is slightly infuriating. At the very least upsetting. For her to think that I'm disrespectful of them when they don't deserve it. I can appreciate them as parents, but they aren't that great of people. I know I don't have a perfect moral compass, but hell, who does? And I know they don't. So I don't like being told that I'm essentially a bad kid for feeling the way I feel, and more so, that I'm not justified.
Seeing old friends: well, I only saw one whom I haven't seen in ages. It's so odd. Whenever I see him, things just click into place. Like there's no where else in the world that I want to be. We just have an effortless understanding. I really miss him. I hate that we hardly ever see each other and that we're not attracted to each other that way. He's my best friend, and we hardly ever really speak. But we still just GET each other. I still know what he's thinking without saying it. I hate it, and I love it, and I miss it.
Ridiculous adolescence...
I didn't think about what I was going to write about until I sat down and started writing this. I'm in the computer lab and I didn't realize I only have 20 minutes till class starts.
But I guess I'll write about this past weekend. I went home and it was not nearly as refreshing as I thought it would be for several reasons. But it also opened my eyes a bit.
I always say I love and miss my sister a lot. This weekend however, she was more interested in what was going on in her own life than seeing what I was up to. Or wanting to spend time with me. She hasn't seen me since Christmas. And I realize that she has a lot going on, not just a lot, but far too much: Robotics, softball, IB, a job. She's spreading herself far too thin for one 16 year old girl. But such is what she's made her life. Anyway, I missed her and wanted to see her.
My parents on the other hand, I realized, they always want me home. Well, I knew that part. But what really came to frustrate me was what we all did when they finally managed to get me home. They didn't want to talk. Morgan had softball games. So Dad was there. Mom had homework. So what did I do the majority of my Saturday? Sat and watched TV. Now, I understand that as parents, they miss me. But why the hell would you want me to come home if you're not going to concern yourselves with even communicating with me when I am? It just seems all very stupid.
Beyond parents, I visited my grandmother, and that surely was a frustrating visit too. She wanted to lecture me on loving my parents for who they are and appreciating all they do for me. I suppose it's true, they do a lot. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't respect them and appreciate their actions. But to go so far as to imply that problems are my fault or that I don't appreciate them enough is slightly infuriating. At the very least upsetting. For her to think that I'm disrespectful of them when they don't deserve it. I can appreciate them as parents, but they aren't that great of people. I know I don't have a perfect moral compass, but hell, who does? And I know they don't. So I don't like being told that I'm essentially a bad kid for feeling the way I feel, and more so, that I'm not justified.
Seeing old friends: well, I only saw one whom I haven't seen in ages. It's so odd. Whenever I see him, things just click into place. Like there's no where else in the world that I want to be. We just have an effortless understanding. I really miss him. I hate that we hardly ever see each other and that we're not attracted to each other that way. He's my best friend, and we hardly ever really speak. But we still just GET each other. I still know what he's thinking without saying it. I hate it, and I love it, and I miss it.
Ridiculous adolescence...
Saturday, February 6
Don't Speak Liar
Reason for the headline: I thought about it the other day and was like, guys lie.. All the time.
I thought about it after someone told me that she'd taken this guys virginity AFTER he arrived at college.
He'd been telling everyone for months that he had lost his virginity after girls had pity sex with him because he'd been in an accident. ---> LIES
Another guy told me and several others that he'd lost his virginity his sophomore year of high school to some girl, he didn't talk about it. ---> I found out later, he's still a virgin.
Another friend of mine keeps calling me when he's high, and saying he misses me, and wants me to visit him at his college, but then I'll text or call when he's sober referencing it and he won't put in the effort that would actually get me there. ---> wtf.
There's more than just the reasons I gave, but for now, these are all that are on my mind, and should suffice plenty for the point of this blog entry.
It's just like, all the time, these guys are lying to me about all sorts of stupid things. They'd make fun of me for being a virgin, almost to a point of blatant mockery and outright hostility, or condescension. I don't understand. Maybe it's because honesty is like, numero uno virtue in my book, but maybe I'm just sick of all the bull shit.
Bois be dumb.
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