Second Banana

Another blow,
to my supernova ego.

Like I really need all that help.

Try out for a play. about 40 other people audition.
Now, I don't anticipate a huge role, but I expected something.

Certainly not nothing.
I suppose I should have though.
It doesn't really seem fair when you're going up against the entire theatre guild.

I feel like the only reason I didn't get a role was because I'm not a junior or senior here and I've never auditioned before.
I feel childlike and pitiful when I say: Not fair!

But it seems that way.
I didn't realize how much I really wanted this gig.
I knew I wanted it, but not this badly.

Well, it's not like I"m Tonya Harding or anything. I can live with the fact that I was beaten out. That I wasn't as good.

It always seems that way though. I mentioned it the day after the first auditions.

I'm always first when it comes to mediocrity.
In all things fine/performing arts. I'm only just good enough barely to be accepted.
But nothing worth pining over and taking real notice or a second glance.

It's not fair that no matter how hard I try I will always be second banana to someone else.
Anyone else.
No matter who it is I'm competing against. I always lose.

It's all Relative

I'm not really sure how to approach this subject, so I'll just dive right on in...

The other day, I was with a friend. And concerning this friend, there are several facts about his friends that I have gathered in the course of knowing him. Qualifications, if you will, for people to become his dearest friends.

These qualifications are:

1. They must love/have-seen Mean Girls

2. They must be intelligent

3. They must be funny

4. They must be somewhat insane (impulsive) and

5. They must be pretty.

Now, I thought long and hard about these qualifications, and more recently, he and I have become close, which implies that - he having confirmed what I assumed where his qualifications for friendship - I am all of these things.

See, before him, I had never really thought of myself as pretty. I can see intelligent, and funny and I certainly am impulsive. I did like Mean Girls a lot, but I had never seen myself as 'pretty'.

No matter how many times my parents said it.

Or Melissa or other girls said it, I never believed it.

Now here's a homosexual telling me I'm pretty.

Not even in a patronizing way that people sometimes do.

And beyond that, we went out to eat last night and he went so far as to call me skinny.

Now, he is much bigger than I am, but he also has friends much skinnier than I am. So I was utterly shocked to hear both things.

He said it again just now when he left, that his grandparents (whom I met briefly last night) would assume that he had a 'new pretty girlfriend'. It's still a surprise.

I thought on it today on my way to my business class.

About beauty and appearances.

And only recently, like, within the past few weeks or so, have I actually learned to accept that on some level, I am pretty.

That's all I'll allow myself for now.

But the thing that sucks the most is that most other people can't see past that.

The truth is, people are only concerned with conventional beauty. But that doesn't really mean anything. There are all sorts of other types of beautiful.

It was truly a bewildering thought I had though, that I could actually be beautiful. I look in my mirror a lot, and maybe that's why. I see what other people can't. Except that some people do. It really is odd when the one or two people will randomly say something about it. It catches me off guard.

It's funny, but I wish I could share that thought with other people.

But I know that I certainly wouldn't have believed anyone who told me that I was beautiful or cute or pretty or whatever.

At least until I could freely admit it to myself.

Who Knew?

Looking at pictures of old friends from high school, or at the very least, people I knew.

And looking back, I.B. was the biggest waste of my life ever.

I can't imagine why I did it in the first place.
It meant nothing so far as college was concerned. I got 6 measly hours of credit.

If I'd just taken Honors classes, not only would I have gotten A's, but I would've been able to take classes at Tech that would've immediately qualified me for more credit hours.

It's just completely unfair.

And even more than that, I came out of that program with... maybe 5 friends.

Enough to count on one hand that I like and still talk to pretty frequently.

What would've happened if I'd branched outside the I.B. boughs? I'm quite sure that I would've been happier, and that my time would've been much better spent.

20/20 hindsight.. It was a mistake, and I learned from it. Hopefully in the future I'll be able to assess a situation more properly before jumping in to such a commitment. I was only 15 when I decided to go into I.B. after all.

The people on my hall are nauseating.

I can't wait to be rid of them all (for the most part).

The year will soon be up.

Who knows, maybe the next 3 years will fly by too?

I guess one can only hope.

From the bottom of the bottle,

Or rather, the martini/wine glass.

I can't help but be melancholy when I'm drunk. I can't. Really.

I shouldn't write when I'm feeling this way.
a. I'm far too honest.

b. well, really there is no b, but I'm not drunk enough right now to be able to articulate all of the emotions I'm feeling properly. It's weird, but I can only do that when I know for a fact that I won't be able to remember. It's weird. I know.

I can't stop coughing. It bothers me.

For a while at the party tonight, I was like, the only girl. To someone like me, it's actually a nice thing, because, on the whole, I'm not all that unattractive. I can accept that. To some degree I'm charming and actually not unappealing to look at.

It was fun until other people came.

And it's not like I don't love those other people, I do. But I was no longer the center of attention.

It sounds horrible, I know, but I can't help it.

How often am I of all people, the one person sought out?

Never.

If ever.

And for an hour they looked to me, and waited for my smile.

Touched my face and called me babydoll.

One guy even called me cute and put his arm around me.

It makes me feel pathetic to be so reliant on another person, specifically a guy, but I can't help it.

I know what she meant now when she said she liked him, and his girlfriend too.

They're both good people.

And if I've said this once, I've said it a million times before:

the only guys at all interested in me, are the ones already with someone else, and dedicated enough to that girl that I, as even a blip on their radar, won't matter (at least enough to steal them away).

The rest are interested in the girls who regardless of actual disposition are more physically attractive.
(I'm not saying that I think the girl that was there tonight that took away from me isn't a wonderful person, she is, but it's not always the case).

So much for thinking I'd get action tonight.

And I didn't get nearly enough alcohol to be this pensive.
I said that to Brad.

I made several martini's tonight.

They were delicious.

I had wine too.

And a shot with the guy who called me babydoll and said I was cute and liked my sweater.

The wine wasn't as good as I've had before, but maybe that's what's made me so sad and thoughtful.

It tends to do that to me.

It makes me think of that song by that guy Dino..

"When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine,

that's amore".

Except it's not.

Because it never is.

I've written a great deal tonight.
It's probably sad that the fact that I'll remember this tomorrow is disappointing to me.

:/

Random Thoughts from the Bed-Ridden

I didn't realize how expensive I was until I started keeping track of my expenses.

Maybe I'm just nominally expensive.

Maybe I'm not expensive at all, but just a human with needs and therefore I'm just aware of my needs now.

I realized that nearly all of my close/best friends have in one way or another screwed me over in some way. And not just like "oh well, they apologized, forgive forget it's fine" but like "wtf were you thinking leaving me out to dry like that?".

With my first bff: they told everyone how much I weighed. Everyone laughed. I cried. I was 8 afterall.

With my second: neither of us kept up with each other. She made fun of me for liking this boy whom I was practically in love with. I haven't spoken to her in months. It sucks.

With my third: first I fell in love with him, then he started dating someone who I had just become friends with. She never spoke to me again. He only calls when he's high or drunk; he never remembers the conversations the next day.

Third: she started dating someone who I didn't approve of, but more than that, she stopped seeing me altogether. As well as all of her other friends. ("Abandon", see entry "Still the Vent")

With other close friends:

1. She flipped shit when she realized that I wasn't able to see her short notice. Sometimes things don't work out. I do hope she forgives me, because I do love her and want to see her. But I felt like she was the one who was all of a sudden angry with me and I honestly didn't see the reasoning behind it.

2. She - and many others - made fun of me when at a party, some guy made-out with me. That was it. I mean, it happened twice, but he made-out with me and they continued to poke at me until I nearly burst into tears and told her not to touch me because I couldn't stand what she was doing to my friendship with him (we weren't that close to begin with, but we were more friends before than after the party).

I can only think of maybe 2 or 3 people that I've been really really close to in my life that I'm either still friends with, or I am the result of that frienships' demise.

It doesn't really seem fair that I can keep a close friend without something falling to pieces.

I just had this thought: but honestly, in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, when everyone is hating on Harry because they think he's the Heir of Slytherin, I do not think that that's what I'd be doing. Afterall, he's the one got the power to kill, why would you be mean to him and get on his bad side? I think it'd make most sense if people were all up in his grill trying to be friendly.

I had other thoughts, but now I've forgotten them.

The ill can say a lot in 20 minutes when they're sitting in a car by themselves.

And the ill can forget a lot too.

Yet Another

Nearly deathly ill, and it's the first time you speak to me in nearly 3 weeks.

I am still a bit shocked.

I find it odd that my almost-hospitalization is the only reason you speak to me.

And apologize.

Again.

Maybe you meant it this time?

I couldn't help that I cried.

This is the 2nd time you've said sorry for the same thing.

And this is the first time I've been sick without a parent to look after me.

It makes me feel like a little kid.

I don't know, I suppose we'll see if things change. You claim that they have. I have yet to see it.

But then, we've been avoiding each other for quite some time now.

I feel nauseous, and generally disgusting.

I need a shower.

Some throat lozenges.

I need someone to sit next to me and caress my hair while I lie down and continue to focus on breathing.

There is one wonderful thing though that happened today: I got my red parka.

And it makes me look like Little Red Riding Hood.

I am delighted.

Still the Vent

... and I'm still venting.

I was thinking today about my dear, sweet friend Abandon*. Abandon liked a boy named Thief, and Thief liked her. But because of her friends Phoenix and Doc (who were not fond of Thief), there were many problems between the two of them. For the longest time, Thief was convinced that he could never date Abandon because he didn't want to take her away from her dearest friends.

Phoenix spoke to Doc, Ditzy, Cereal, and even Abandon and said that she wanted the problem to be fixed, that Abandon and Thief should be happy together if they wanted to be. So Phoenix went to speak with Thief.

Phoenix and Thief were not fond of one another, but because of their mutual like/love of Abandon, they looked past their differences and found it in themselves to attempt patience with one another so they could figure out what to do. Phoenix said that if Thief liked Abandon, why all the trouble? And Thief's reply was, "I don't want to break up your friendships. Between you, and Abandon, and Doc and Ditzy too"

Now, Phoenix was a bit surprised, but respected what Thief had said. She replied, "This tension is making her unhappy. We're not going to stand in the way of your relationship with her, so please be happy together"

These were the steps taken, leaving all thinking that now they would be dear friends and there would be no more problems that could not be avoided or discussed.

Several months later, Doc, Ditzy and Phoenix note that they have not spoken to Abandon in months, much less seen her. And they all knew the reason why: Thief. And this made them angry as well as sad.

They decide that once again, Phoenix will go and speak with Abandon. Even though Phoenix is infuriated, she loves Abandon a great deal and decides to go speak with her in an attempt to help her realize what has been going on.

Once they finally meet to talk, all Abandon has to say is that she feels that Phoenix is attempting to control her life and tell her who to spend her time with, and while she appreciates it, she is an adult and knows how to live her own life.

Of course, Phoenix, Doc and Ditzy knew that Abandon had finally lost her fucking mind.

And unfortunately, Phoenix realizes that she can never again be close to someone who not only can't respect what she says, but also is unable to see the truth.

Abandon neglected her friends.

And just as bad, Thief lied. The one thing he was most adamant about in the beginning is no longer a source of concern.

He claimed that he never wanted to intervene in friendships, but when all of Abandon's time is spent with him, there's nothing spare.

*all names have been changed

Several Thoughts

... for the morning.

artist: NaS

album: Illmatic

(mainly "Who's World is This?")

1st, "Apparently I've been converted to some weird piece of furniture in your life, ignored, avoided, and unused"

2nd, "she is a bitch, he is a cunt-muffin. I can't even focus I'm so upset about it. All my thoughts about them and that situation can be summed up in one finger"

3rd, "Yeah, I'm totally one of those 'seen not heard women'"

4th, "That's why I'm hungry! I didn't have dinner!... Oh. Wait, nevermind, I just told you, I had spaghetti"

5th, "I need you like an insomniac needs a chemically induced coma"

6th, "Why does blood keep rushing to my head to hard and so fast? My actual head, the one above my shoulders. I'm a girl"

7th, "SLEEEEEEEEEEP TIME"

8th, "He has on his 'focused' eyebrows"

9th, "No, I don't find it funny because I'm not 12 years old. And I'm a girl"

10th, "Sorry, I get moody and sarcastic when I'm tired"

11th, "Boo to the 8:30"

Don't Speak Liar

So, I will go ahead and say: 3 of my 4 predictions came true, so not too bad. Better than Miz Cleo, I'd say.

Reason for the headline: I thought about it the other day and was like, guys lie.. All the time.

I thought about it after someone told me that she'd taken this guys virginity AFTER he arrived at college.

He'd been telling everyone for months that he had lost his virginity after girls had pity sex with him because he'd been in an accident. ---> LIES

Another guy told me and several others that he'd lost his virginity his sophomore year of high school to some girl, he didn't talk about it. ---> I found out later, he's still a virgin.

Another friend of mine keeps calling me when he's high, and saying he misses me, and wants me to visit him at his college, but then I'll text or call when he's sober referencing it and he won't put in the effort that would actually get me there. ---> wtf.

There's more than just the reasons I gave, but for now, these are all that are on my mind, and should suffice plenty for the point of this blog entry.

It's just like, all the time, these guys are lying to me about all sorts of stupid things. They'd make fun of me for being a virgin, almost to a point of blatant mockery and outright hostility, or condescension. I don't understand. Maybe it's because honesty is like, numero uno virtue in my book, but maybe I'm just sick of all the bull shit.

Bois be dumb.

Did you see her Third Eye?

I have several predictions for the coming days.

I will start out by saying: yesterday, I claimed that this weekend would be spectacular starting Thursday.

Here's what my thoughts are...

Firstly, I knew that I would be spending time with Matthew (a.k.a. Disney) who is a lovely friend and has begun to instill in me an appreciation for Buffy the Vampire Slayer [tres super].

Secondly, I knew that I would be antiquing with Mels. She's rad :]

Thirdly, I will be consuming gratuitous amounts of beverages tomorrow evening and a dear friend will visit.

It will be marvelous.

Fourth: I will be going to USC. Where I will likely consume more tasty beverages with people I don't know terribly well.

It's a possibility anyway. It may not happen, I may just spend time with a dear friend completely... myself.

Fifthly, I can't figure out the damn picture thing, so I'm not adding anymore, but you get the gist that good things will occur this weekend.

And when I get back from USC, I'll probably watch more Buffy with Matthew.

When life is simple, life is good.

:]

Swept Back In by the Arms of Society

Yeah, not so much.

In short, a friend of mine had issues with me therefore I maintained the life of a hermit for a week.

Was I being adolescent and angst-y? Meh, maybe. But who would've thought it'd affect the way and with whom I interact?

Pas moi.

Oui... "c'est la vie"...

I don't know, I just figured that after the week of somewhat-self-confined solitary that there would be discussion and forgiveness of both parties and that things would go back to normal. Wrong.

But I won't go crawling back. Pah! That's not me.

It's just unfortunate when people who felt like family suddenly won't invite you over, or tell you where they're going.

And you have to eat almost every meal alone, in public.

And walk alone to nearly every class.

And sit in your room by yourself for hours at a time playing solitaire.

And pretend that someone wants to talk to you in class...

But I'm trying not to dwell.

As I say, I'm not crawling back. I'm a sociable, well-liked person. I can make other friends. And I have. Friends with benefits (no, not sexually).

While your friendships were meaningful for there time, according to you, said time is past, and where am I to go?

As far the hell away as possible from you, you vile creatures.

I'm just infinitely tired of the petty and meaningless existence of these simple people.

I cannot wait till I get out. Peace Corps. AmeriCorps.

I don't care. Get me out.

At least I can say it's better than high school.

Recent conversations with old friends made me realize that I wasn't nearly as cryptic about my distaste for high school as I perhaps thought I'd been.

Then again, I remember always saying that I looked forward to college because I knew it'd be better.

But two people now have described me as 'miserable' in high school, without any prompting from me..

Can't say it wasn't true though.

puzzle pieces from the day

I think that goals need to be set for the coming... time-period. whatever time period that may be.

For now, we'll start, with 10

1. participate in some extra-curricular, like auditioning for a play or something

2. most definitely pass math. With a B [fingers crossed]

3. play cello more. At least as much as I'm practicing piano right now.

I dislike feeling like I'm more passionate about one than the other.

4. be a better friend. and stop flipping out. that temper of mine is dreadful.

5. keep up with blogginggg? yeah, that seems an acceptable goal. reminds me of what i've been through.

6. start a dream blog! and keep up with it. for whatever reason, I never remember my dreams, and every now and then I'll actually remember one, then forget it. i'll try and write it down from now on.

7. send a post secret. i've been meaning to for ages.

8. branch out. i'm doing better, but the truth is, the majority of my friends are the same ones i've had since the beginning of last semester and while that's good, it's stagnant. and not nearly as good as developing other friendships.

9. just like everyone else: lose weight. yeah yeah yeah(s)..

10. love my family more. i'm terrible about this. for the most part i love them, i just don't want to be around them. i think they're starting to notice, and i guess in all honesty, that's not a good thing.

That's all I want to say for right now. There'll be more later probably.

Right now i'm still looking for the right words.