Something old, something new?

Something old: I'm dead bored kinda.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.

Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.

Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"

Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)

I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.

Busy Busy Bee

The first of February, I made this list of goals. I'm going to make it much shorter so it takes up less space, but I can still go through everything I've done.

1. participate in some extra-curricular
2. pass math. With a B
3. play cello more. At least as much as I'm practicing piano right now.
4. be a better friend.
5. keep up with blogging
6. start a dream blog!
7. send a post secret.
8. branch out - make more friends
9. lose weight.
10. love my family more.

Geeze. With explanations, it took up a lot more space than just 10 lines...
Anyway, I wanted to look at this list, and see what all I've accomplished.
I did try out for a play. That's a step. Even if I didn't get a part, I had the courage to attempt.
I did pass math with a B!!!
I still don't play cello that much... or at all :/
I'm working on the be-a-better-friend thing. I think it's working.
I've been keeping up with this blog pretty well, and my dream blog too.
I have yet to send a post secret.
Branching out is difficult when there's no place FOR you to branch, but I'm doing the best I can with my opportunities.. I think anyway.
Nope. I have not yet really lost any weight :/ Lazy arse.. :(
I think it's working. I feel somewhat better about my family, so, maybe it's working.

The point of this though, was for me to say something I felt like needed saying.
I'm not perfect.
As if that wasn't obvious.
But I'm working on what I know for a fact I need to fix.
For example, being baptized. I've known for years that I needed to do that. And now, I've finally taken care of it, which is an amazing thing. But being an amazing Christ-follower isn't about professing his name and then public proclamation of your faith. There's so much more than that.
It's your behavior, it's your language, it's your actions.
Mine aren't nearly where they need to be.
I still want what I want because I want it.
I don't pray enough.
I never read my Bible.

I'm not saying I'm a terrible person. I just feel like there's a lot I still need to work on before I feel comfortable saying I'm a Christian and I love God, and I know that I'm solid in my faith.
Then again, who said having faith meant being in your comfort zone?

I feel like there's so much to do.
I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I want to be.

More-on Me

LAYER 1: ABOUT YOU
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.

LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.

Random Thoughts from the Bed-Ridden

I didn't realize how expensive I was until I started keeping track of my expenses.

Maybe I'm just nominally expensive.

Maybe I'm not expensive at all, but just a human with needs and therefore I'm just aware of my needs now.

I realized that nearly all of my close/best friends have in one way or another screwed me over in some way. And not just like "oh well, they apologized, forgive forget it's fine" but like "wtf were you thinking leaving me out to dry like that?".

With my first bff: they told everyone how much I weighed. Everyone laughed. I cried. I was 8 afterall.

With my second: neither of us kept up with each other. She made fun of me for liking this boy whom I was practically in love with. I haven't spoken to her in months. It sucks.

With my third: first I fell in love with him, then he started dating someone who I had just become friends with. She never spoke to me again. He only calls when he's high or drunk; he never remembers the conversations the next day.

Third: she started dating someone who I didn't approve of, but more than that, she stopped seeing me altogether. As well as all of her other friends. ("Abandon", see entry "Still the Vent")

With other close friends:

1. She flipped shit when she realized that I wasn't able to see her short notice. Sometimes things don't work out. I do hope she forgives me, because I do love her and want to see her. But I felt like she was the one who was all of a sudden angry with me and I honestly didn't see the reasoning behind it.

2. She - and many others - made fun of me when at a party, some guy made-out with me. That was it. I mean, it happened twice, but he made-out with me and they continued to poke at me until I nearly burst into tears and told her not to touch me because I couldn't stand what she was doing to my friendship with him (we weren't that close to begin with, but we were more friends before than after the party).

I can only think of maybe 2 or 3 people that I've been really really close to in my life that I'm either still friends with, or I am the result of that frienships' demise.

It doesn't really seem fair that I can keep a close friend without something falling to pieces.

I just had this thought: but honestly, in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, when everyone is hating on Harry because they think he's the Heir of Slytherin, I do not think that that's what I'd be doing. Afterall, he's the one got the power to kill, why would you be mean to him and get on his bad side? I think it'd make most sense if people were all up in his grill trying to be friendly.

I had other thoughts, but now I've forgotten them.

The ill can say a lot in 20 minutes when they're sitting in a car by themselves.

And the ill can forget a lot too.