Life is Fucking Unpredictable.

No crazy curve balls today that ruined my life or anything, just thoughts (in explanation of the title).

Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.

Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.

In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.

Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.

And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.

With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.

I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.

How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.

I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.

More-on Me

LAYER 1: ABOUT YOU
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.

LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.

Andersen Cook

Is a dumb little girl.

But at least now she knows it and is moving on.

She also has a cute new hair cut and is thinking about dying it a little darker, with some gold which will be just the teeny change that she needed.

"In other news", her room is almost clean, which means that she will soon be able to paint! Hooray!

She is also terribly excited about the visit she will be having from a friend named Liz Worn whom she rarely sees but loves spending time with.



Also, I had a thought about family while I was cleaning.

You know they say that you don't see the product of a parents parenting until the grandkids. The reason being that you don't really know how well you did with your offspring till you see your offspring's offspring. So props to G-moneies for making me turn out awesome.
But really, I was thinking on a more specific level. I don't know, it's menial what I thought of, but nonetheless I thought of it, so here goes.
One way in which I will differ from my parents:
They always complain about the cleanliness of a household. Always. Unless it's spotless. But rarely do they ever ever actually clean it. So they bitch and moan for days or weeks or what have you, but nothing ever gets done until company is coming over, which means that everyone flips out for 2-4 business days right up until the visitor has arrived.
I don't play that shit. My parents claim they love for a place to be clean, but really, it's dirty. All of the time. Myself on the other hand, I prefer a clean living space. I don't really complain about it (from what I can guess). I just see a need and fulfill it.
That's just one thing I thought of earlier. Set an example for your kids by cleaning up after yourself. Rather than leave a mess and bitch later.

Also, I refuse to have a dog that's not house-trained or is a fucking retard. My basset hound will be brilliant and well-behaved.

Mood: Melancholy, Status: Confused

Still can't stop replaying last week.
It's stupid. I can't shut it off.
Like a theater with surround sound and I'm stuck inside and can't leave and it just keeps coming back to me.

I wish there was more stuff to do here, because then I'd have other things to do and think about and this nonsense would stop plaguing me, but I don't.

I'm stuck on repeat.

If only I could say "in other news..."

Um.. I guess I could say that

'In other news', I keep coming to the realization that my life is never what I really want it to be. Something's always missing or just out of grasp so that paradise is just out of reach.

It really felt so close, if only for a moment.

oh the mistakes we make

...

I throw my hands up in the air and sigh.

What more can I do than what's already been done?
Hold out for the better, wait for the worst?

Sit at a standstill and let my stomach churn?...


I give up on thinking I know what's best in this situation anymore.

... Easy as Pie

I wish all things were..

I forgot that when someone you like kisses you, your stomach flutters... It's been awhile.
I can't stop thinking all sorts of things about it, even though I know I shouldn't and it doesn't matter. But I didn't start this. It wasn't my fault.

It's just on repeat, the events of that night.
He shouldn't have kissed me, even if I wanted him to.

I didn't ask for this.

"Oh I wish I could go to the ball"

And then Fairy Godmother appears.

I have no ball to go to, but since yesterday I've been feeling a little less excited about going home.

Only a little (because I'm still so excited about cleaning/organizing/re-painting my room. As well as the many little projects I've got planned), but still enough to not want to go home as much.
Mum and I got in a bit of a tiff yesterday. For a few days now I've mentioned that she (or someone) should come up and get a few things so I don't have to carry down every damn thing by myself. You'd think that'd be reasonable, yes? I didn't carry up everything by myself. And there's hella stuff in my room. It's going to take a full day most likely for me to pack everything and carry it all down 4 flights of stairs. And then back up. All by myself.
Shit. Apparently it's an impossibility for someone to get the microwave and refrigerator that they senselessly bought me.
Dumb. Completely idiotic.

I have no trash bags, and they're expecting me to carry all of my clothes down in laundry bags.

WHAT THE FUCK MOM.

I realize it's not thatttt big of an issue. It's just stuff, and who knows, maybe it won't take that long. But that's not the only thing that frustrated me.

Mum and Morgan both made a joke about how excited they were for me to come back. So I could cook and clean.
Hence, Cinderella.
Nothing else to be excited about whatsoever. Purely - hey, Andersen will be free to do the shit that we've been putting off and too preoccupied to take care of ourselves.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. It just seems like, it's not a joke to say that's all I'm good for when it comes to that family. To clean-up after them.

Maybe it would be different if Morgan didn't make herself so busy, or if Dad wasn't a misogynist (maybe not that extreme, but presumes he's married to June Cleaver), or Mom wasn't a workaholic - probably trying her best to avoid being home.

I suppose if you were to look at my family and try and diagnose all of our problems, mine would be I try to avoid my family. And why shouldn't I? It seems like they're all trying to avoid me too.

Maybe I'm playing the role of 'angsty-teen' again in some absurd teen-movie-melodrama, but I'm agitated by it. I can't really help it. I don't like feeling neglected.
And I mention melodrama because I know that things are tough all over for everyone, and many more times over worse for other people, but it's how I view the situation.

But maybe people will come visit over the summer, and I'll be able to get away, so hope's not lost all just yet.

Sippin on Sunshine, Relaxing in Rome

It was just such a lovely day yesterday.

I mean, I had math, and there was a quiz, and then after that I had computer science, but... ah. What a lovely day.

I still had half a handle of that disgusting vodka, and so I said to Brody that we should go out and drink it. During the middle of a Thursday. And because Patrick hadn't drunk in a while either, and he really wanted to, I knew I wanted to invite him too.
And goodness, what an excellent idea of mine it was :)

We went to the Arboretum. It sounds all cool and exciting, truth is, it's only a bunch of trees and a clearing. But still, it's separated from campus and kind of a nice place for hiking and such.

Anyway, we found one area, kind of in the shade, and a little separated from the big open area by some trees. And sat down, and started taking shots.

At first, it wasn't all that fun. We were all a little awkward, just taking shots almost mechanically (maybe because McCormick's is the most disgusting stuff ever) and didn't have all that much to say.
But after 1/4 a handle we were all laughing, and taking pictures, and just having the best of best of times.

Reasoning:
It's springtime, and where we were was the perfect setting. Not a soul to worry about bothering us, just sitting in this beautiful clearing. There was sunshine, and all of the birds were chirping. There was a slight wind to go with the bits of sunshine that peaked through shade. I was with my friends. We were laughing, and talking, and it was just... one of the best times I've ever had ever.

Who knew drinking in the middle of the day could be so nice?

[Side note: walking back was hellish. I'm fairly certain that things happened that I don't remember. But not much. Fortunately for us, we ran in to Marshall and John on their way into the forest as we were coming out of it. Patrick could barely walk, and of course, Brody and I were wobbly, so it would've been nearly impossible had Marshall and John not been there. Many thanks to them.]

Baby baby now, Feel the Waltz

In a Regina Spektor mood.
And also Andrew Bird.
As well as the White Stripes and The Decemberists.
Other stuff I can't remember.
Mellow, and happy, and sunshiney :)

It's been a good day.
Hung out with my 2 gay besties. Always fun.
Had coffee and cigarettes.
Listened to music, talked for a few hours about things.
Saw my dear friend Ashley at Coker, and even though we didn't do much, I always have a fun time with her. She's such a darling.

Realized I'm actually getting tanner.
Discovered that I have plans for my life. Generic, but there nonetheless.

Missing some things I'm sure. Like a teeny piece of my heart. But you know, it's not a big enough piece to miss for now.
And I'm sure that at some point it'll be filled right? Before the desperation sets in.

And I think I'm getting a bunny by the Fall! So excited! A little Netherland dwarf. So adorable. And little... yay :)
and I'm getting an apartment with Melissa next semester (hopefully). We'll just have to see how things go.

And I have plans for the summer.
And my mom wants to redecorate my room with an Indian theme (random much, Ma?)
And I plan on minimizing the crap that's currently being stored in my room.
And when I'm not doing other stuff I have a plan for weight loss as well as keeping up with the decent literature that I've so been missing out on.

And I plan on seeing all sorts of people this summer and I've ordered things offline and I'm beginning to pack for going back home and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to summer. Not for being out of school, I'm loving school right now. But because I'll get to see people I've missed and I'm going to be taking classes.
(Not looking forward to Business Stats - Math 140 - but it's a necessary evil...)

It just feels like there's so much to look forward to and it's all so sudden and I'm almost ALMOST overwhelmed with a contentedness that I haven't felt in maybe.. ever.

<3

Not for Hitler

SO, I stole this thing from offline.

(not this --->)
It's completely cool.

It has all of these fun ideas for when you're bored and can't think of anything to do.

There's all of these really neat crafts that are fun and easy and fairly cheap.

I'm so excited to do some of them!

THey're epically awesome.

Ah!

And I think that I'll be able to get an apartment with Mels next semester which is also so super cool. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it! (Not really, but I AM terribly excited).

Also, I talked to this boy I liked yesterday and had a good fun time, and it seemed so did he.
And today I talked to a friend of mine with a beautiful smile and although I don't like him, he always brightens my day, just one of those really happy-go-lucky people (but normal. haha jk).

I bet you can probably tell just from reading this that I'm really excited.

Well, you're not wrong :)

You know, it's probably because it's Springtime.

(no, not for Hitler).