Pay Attention, Now

There are several things I'm looking forward to.
All of them good of course;
Knowing that they'll be here soon is wonderful,
Even if it may take a while.

Happy,
Exhausted,
Excited.
Dirty room, clear mind, rainy skies, warm body.

The end.

Exuding Homeyness

This past weekend I went to Trenton, South Carolina, PEACH CAPITAL OF THE WORLD, to visit Soleil McAuley.
Oh goodness it was so fun. I really truly missed her, and felt like I hadn't seen her in ages. And I met a good deal of her family and spent lots of time with them.
They seem like really nice people if they actually aren't.
Their house is on some beautiful property (even if it is in the middle of nowhere), and the house itself is beautiful. There is lots of greenery. They have two dogs, Bonnie and Josie, and a bird, Sonny. They have their own garden with tomatoes, peppers, basil and other herbs. They recycle, and have a compost pile. They keep everything neat and tidy, but it still exudes a subtle luxury that somehow remains homey.
They eat all of their meals together and from what I could tell, are very polite.
They seem exactly like the type of family I would have if I were to already have my own family. how I would raise my kids, how I would keep my house.. It was just... exactly the kind of elegant aestheticism.
And spending so much time with Soleil was just splendid.
The first night, we stayed up and did ourselves up in Lady GaGa inspired pictures. It's too bad that we're too embarrassed by them to put them on FB. Haha, they'd be a gas.. :)
We took soooo many pictures, and a good deal of them just turned out excellently. It was positively wonderful. I was so glad that I got to go. I felt so refreshed when I left.
It was just a great experience.
I'm very tired. I should sleep now. But I'm glad I got to put down to keys what a great weekend it was :)

You Spin Me Round

It seems like every where you turn there's hypocritical b.s.

Everyone that you think you can rely on, is actually not worthy of an ounce of your trust. People that are SUPPOSED to be reliable, people whose job description is meant to include things like, RELIABILITY, and HONESTY.

The more you depend upon these manipulative people, the more they're able to manipulate you, leading you not only to distrust yourself, but to also distrust the people who - miraculously - are honest with you!

There just seem to be so many instances in my life where, the people who I grew up counting on to be there for me and to set a good example, are people that now, I have to forgive for all of their whopper-size-mistakes.

Multiple people in my life - people in the church - have had affairs, not just like, one couple. Try three. And those are only the KNOWN affairs.

And it's not just that fact that you cheated on your husband and wife; it's not just the fact that you deceived your children; it's not the fact that you were in a position of power where the whole church is looking to you as a moral compass; it's the way you handled it too.

Whenever I've done anything wrong - granted, none of my mistakes were adultery - but when I've done anything wrong in my life, I've had to sit around and accept the consequences, I'd have to wait and see whatever damage it was that I had caused to those around me. Two of the three couples that cheated on their spouses fled. They didn't remain to see the church they left behind.
Beyond just avoiding their problem, they also ignored it. One of the three couples acted as if the adulterating had not even occurred. They remain in a state of delusion in reference to themselves, and attempted deception to those that already know of their actions.

One of the three couples separated. Which means, obviously, that two of the three couples remained together. Be it for the sake of their children, or to save face, or for themselves, to maintain their facade.

It's infuriating to think that people who can be so... misguided, are continuing to misguide others.

_________________________________________________



On a different note, one of the couples, who stayed together, stayed to see what their consequences might be, and also acknowledged their wrong-doing, recently had a child together - 18 months ago.
This baby boy has been in the hospital for 18 months.
There have been gastrointestinal problems.
There have been heart problems.
There have been lots of complications.
He has down syndrome.

Solely on judging this situation, it looks as though God is punishing them, but how can that make sense? The people who are trying their best to do what is right in the eyes of God and accepting responsibility, are the ones who seem to be punished the most.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they're happy with their new baby boy who's already had so much trouble in this crazy world where he's only bound to have more trouble.
But more likely than not, this has been all the more difficult on them, knowing that they've been unfaithful.

It's hard for me to accept that God is a malicious and unforgiving God.
I believe that God is merciful, and gracious; powerful, but wonderful.
I'm a firm believer in "God has a plan through all things, even when we don't understand".

Yet, it's hard to believe that through all of the frustrating problems we are presented with.

Check this Hand Cause I'm Marvelous

I made an exciting discovery today.
I CAN do stuff that I set my mind to, so long as it's simple enough.
I won't post what it is that I created until after this weekend, just in case Soleil reads this blog and ruins the surprise! :)

Because it's for HER! :D

And I'm pretty sure she'll love it.

Tell the Truth with Lies

That's what this writer's creed thing, that my Grandmother gave me once, said.

After I sang, to Ashley, that song I wrote, and she was very complimentary of it, I kind of thought about my writing and...
I've decided to start writing again. Or at least not be ashamed of my writing.
If I ever get inspired, write down whatever phrase or verse comes to mind and run with it.
I have a lot from twitter that, in retrospect, just seem poetic. Or have the potential to be poetic.
So even if it's a song, or just a stanza to a poem that never gets finished but might inspire a story, I intend to write it down.

I'm frustrated with Liz. I was supposed to live with her, and she just decided, out of the blue (or so it seemed to me) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. I wouldn't have taken it personally except she got kind of snarky/testy whenever I asked her even a bit more about it.
The best laid plans of mice and men...
Oh well.

Life moves on and I'm looking forward to school starting again in a about a month. Moving in, having my own life. Being able to see people every day, have something to do all of the time. Learn :)
<3
Like I said in that earlier blog, I'm excited to see where the next few years takes me.
It's weird to be thinking so far ahead, or saying it that way, but I guess... I'm getting older now. So I should be thinking that far ahead, right?

PS: wicked burn. I feel like my legs are on fire. It's not a whole lot of fun.
At least the lake house with Rachel was fun :)

This Strange Sensation

All of a sudden, I'm kind of taking an inventory of my life, and I feel like I'm almost where I need to be.
Like, an overwhelming sense of self, and understanding of life plans and all such nonsense.
Really, like this very moment.
I feel like I basically know who I am, and what I want in life and just...
Not happy.
But good.
If that makes sense.
I'm in a good place right now, and I have this feeling like, everything will get better from here. At least for a while.
It's a nice feeling.

Redundant.

How is it possible that my life is so absurdly redundant?
I decided today that I would write prison inmates. Possibly not the smartest thing I've ever done. But whatever. It would've been mostly platonic. I liked the idea of writing someone who might possibly be interested in responding to my letters.
I liked the idea of having a friend who was possibly misunderstood. And just really wanted someone to talk to. I could've been that person.
Anyway, my mom mentioned that she had looked in my room for a few things that she thought might be in here, and much like the time they found drug paraphernalia in my room, they found letters I had just written to inmates in various prisons..
Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, ok. I get that taking care of my safety is important.
But mother definitely got online and checked these people out. Their profiles too. Accusing me of just.. idk. Inappropriate behavior which was frustrating.
I don't like feeling like I'm mistrusted.
Or feel like I can't trust the people I live with.
I want a padlock on my door.

I Smell Children

The other day, Katie and Drew were arguing about when we were playing baseball in the pool. It bothered me, but I'm not their parents. I tried to get them to stop arguing, but they wouldn't, so I was just like "alright, game over" and that was that.
But today I was thinking, where do kids learn to argue? Is it ingrained in them since birth? Are we all predisposed to have disagreements with our family/friends/whoever? Are we meant to argue?
And maybe it was just my opinions talking, but a lot of what you learn is from your parents. So, do their parents argue a lot, or are they uninvolved? Is that why the kids argue? Is it excessive amounts of Disney channel or unmonitored games on their 12 year olds' xbox?
I don't know what it is, but I can safely say that I hope things aren't arguments all the time in my family. My future family, a family of my own when I'm older.
And then, dwelling on that a bit more, we mimic who we spend the most time with. People often imitate those the spend time with, even if they don't mean to. Little phrases here, or a habit there. So it's important that we choose friends wisely. You can't choose your family, obviously (ugh, cliches), but that doesn't mean that you can't decide what behaviors you imitate.
These were just some things I was thinking about today.

Say

Never give up, no never give up,
If you're looking for something easy,
you might as well give it up.
-Cat Power

Saw Aaron Walchli off today. He's back to Florida again for a few months.
Before he came to Ashley (West's), she and I were messing around up in her room. I ended up just playing her guitar, and then we started talking about boys, and songs ect.. and I played her the song I wrote in the 9th grade about a boy...
Soooo embarassing. It was the first time I'd ever played it for anyone.
But she said it was surprisingly well written. That I should be a professional songwriter. haha. And that she'd never heard me actually sing before, but that I sang really well :)
What a compliment!

Anyway, it was just an interesting little comment that had been sitting in my head for a while.
Then I went to look in my book of writing stuff and just look over what I used to write. And looking back on it now, some of it really is pretty good. I remember that less than a year after I wrote a lot of it, I went back and was like "wow, I'm lame". But a few more years distant, I'm glad I wrote it down. Admittedly, some of it is just like "yo, you should not hold a pen to paper. Ever." but a lot of it is decent.

Lines like "it was tangibly sweet, though you were diabetic"
I guess that are quirky things that good songwriters are aware of, perhaps?
I'm not sure. But I just started thinking, huh. I should work more on rounding myself out in the arts.
I've got music down pretty well. Art is getting better, either in crafting, or in photography. I definitely need to get sketching/drawing better. Languages I'm still pretty good I think. I just need to work on writing.
Then all I'll have left is dance, but that shouldn't be too complicated.. :) hahaha

If Not Twitter

If I didn't have a twitter, I wouldn't have been able to relay all the events of this week.

7.4.10
Arrive in Florence. No one is about but Brody. We were bored. We had a water fight. He made lots of sexual references that, coming from Brody, I deemed kind of awkward. But it's not very important. Anyway, we watched a few fireworks, and I slept in Carrie's room, that was essentially my evening. Nothing to really write home about.

7.5.10
I went to Francis Marion with Brody for lack of anything better to do. I played piano. I visited the housing office. I read some of "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I don't know how much I like John Irving by the way. As I was sitting in the LSF building, I was right behind the soda machine for a while, and was thinking, how strange it is, that someone getting a soda, could be the person who in 2 or 3 years' time, is asking me out on a date, or even crazier, to get married. It just crossed my mind that life seems to be a lot about Chance. That you never know who you could have already crossed paths with and who just might be a big part of your life, when only a week ago, they walked past you and you didn't even notice. Then I also so PH. Shocking enough. Further impressing upon me that life seems to be Chance more than choice.
I went swimming with Liz later that evening and had dinner with her family. They had a fun little family rave, and I got to see Tom a bit more. Apparently he's going to FMU next year, which should be fun because I'll see him more and he'll also probably be at the apartment a lot. Lol. He seems like a sweet kid :)
Later that night, I decided that I would stay at Megan's. Carrie had smoked some before we drove over and was wigging out because when we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that the clock there said that it was July 5, 1989. Which I pointed out to her. She freaked, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we had burst through a hole in the space time continuum and what would we do if we had traveled back in time? Our families would be elsewhere, our friends wouldn't be anywhere near, we had strange cell-phones, and a later model of car. We would be outsiders with no money and few means. It sufficiently scared her, and almost drew me in... but it was funny :)
That night was the first night that Josh Carrie and I slept in the water bed. We all cuddled really close, and were warm and cozy. Haha. Very snuggily. lol.

7.6.10
We also went to FMU on Tuesday, and hung out with Megan some. PH was there, and I convinced Carrie to swim with us, somehow. Sometimes my luck is purely... fantastic. We swam for like, 30 minutes then had to get out. PH came over to the house and hung out for apparently a long time. I don't remember a period of separation. We cuddle in the house with everyone. Then when they left, we talked. I explained everything that he didn't understand about what had happened. And when he discovered everything, he felt he had to leave, but Carrie came back, and I wanted to be up there with her, and so did he, so he stayed. But I remember they left again later, and things were still awkward. So we were separate for a while. I guess he felt bad, and I can understand. It was just difficult. We went to Taco Bell later, and things were no less estranged. I drank later that night. He did not. I barely remember him leaving. I just remember being sad.

7.7.10
Mom and Dad had to come fix my tire. That was so terribly awkward. My friends had all gone, except for Brody while they were fixing the tire. They returned the last 10 minutes of the tire changing. I was so worried my parents knew they were high. Petrified even. It's all I could think about. For nearly 24 hours. Slept with Carrie and Josh again.

7.8.10
We got crunk, and then drove. For ever it seemed. We were so bored. We didn't know what else to do. So we just drove. There was a 2 or 3 hour break in between the drive, but we didn't notice it. Well, I didn't notice it anyway. It felt like we were in the car all the day long. We went to Timmonsville, unexpectedly. That's what happens when you just drive with no notion of where you're going. Just following your feet. Although, I sincerely hope that if I'm just following my feet someplace, that I end up somewhere much more interesting than the run-down glory that is Timmonsville. As we drove, at one point we sang along to Eleanor Rigby. I was kind of surprised to find us all singing along, but we were. The only one we all sang to... Then we came back. For a while, Josh and I were the only ones in bed because Carrie was reading. We had fallen asleep with our arms around each other by the time Carrie came in. She said the next morning that he had been making funny noises in the night.. lol. We slept the three of us together in bed for the last night.

7.9.10
I tried to leave early, but none of the 3 of us wanted to get out of bed. haha. We were all awake at 7:30, but it was raining, so we all went back to bed. A few hours later, we all were awake again, but didn't feel like moving still, so we talked for a half hour or so about all sorts of things, but eventually fell asleep again. This happened 2 or 3 times, until we finally decided around 11 that we ought to get up :) We didn't do much. Just spent more time together. I tried to leave early, but I forgot things and had to backtrack. Carrie finally left, and I left Josh at the house. It was so strange to leave. I gave them all hugs and we parted ways. I stopped by Starbucks, and talked to Joseph and August. I was surprised at Joseph yet again. It's odd to think that not too long ago, I saw him pretty frequently, and talked to him pretty often as well. He still seems to like me well enough though, and we talked for a bit. Actually, like half an hour. Just about things that had been going on in our lives. Pretty superficially, but nonetheless, he and I can talk a bit. Then I left to try and meet up with Matthew and Melanie. We met at Red Lobster, and although I only meant to stay until their meal came, I was there for the whole thing. Which was fine actually, because 1. I missed Matthew terribly. I feel like I hadn't seen him since May or early early June. 2. They always eat well.. lol. Point being, I meant to leave Florence by 5:30 at the latest, and didn't end up leaving until closer to 7:40... But I made it back to Charleston in an hour and a half, like a Champ!

I'm very tired, but so so glad I went and saw Carrie and Josh and Megan and Liz and Brody and all of the others.
I feel like I'm going to be very close to a different group of people this semester. And I like that :) It's good to make friends.
And hopefully, I'll get the job at Starbucks that I applied for today! Fingers crossed and let's hope that my luck is lasting :/

What we have here

Is a failure to communicate.

Apparently, the plans I make are meant to be invalid because I didn't make them with the consent of the family.
My family doesn't make plans together, so I don't know what this nonsense is about trying to scapegoat me as the source of their problems, for all they say about 'not blaming' me or 'being angry'.
It just isn't right to be treated as though I'm incompetent. I'm not the one who failed to make plans until the day before they were meant to be acted upon.
Please. Like I really wanted to go anywhere with you anyway.
Tosh.
I did feel like I did better though. I didn't get severely angry like I did the other morning when I woke up to go visit the grandparents who don't even call to wish me happy birthday, and my car was gone. Mother took it without even any notice. She couldn't move the cars to reach hers, and took mine instead... Maybe it was a good reason. I'm not sure. It just didn't seem right.
My mom is very distracted by working on her doctorate. I get that it's difficult.
But shit, we're supposed to be a family and with how she's been acting as of late, taking care of the family seems to be last on her mind really.
That's fine. Get a divorce and get out. You'll be happier I'm sure.
Maybe it'll be better for the rest of us too.

You know, it's true what they say:
Nothing Could be Finer, than to be in Carolina.
So long as you're only dreaming, or in a coma.

Something old, something new?

Something old: I'm dead bored kinda.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.

Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.

Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"

Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)

I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.

We're the New Face of Failure

I'm Like a Lawyer, with the way I'm always trying to get you off (me and you)
Fall Out Boy

Last year's wishes,
Are this year's apologies.
Every last time I come home,
I take my last chance,
To burn a bridge or two.
I only keep myself this sick in the head,
'Cause I know how the words get you.

We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.

Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)

We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.

The best,
Way to make it through,
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize,
Two out of three ain't bad.
Ain't bad.

Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
Me And you setting in a honeymoon.
(Honeymoon.)

5-second rule

5 seconds can make all the difference. Even if it's just a smile and a wave. That gives you all you need to know.

This past weekend in Florence was wonderful, as always.
Dearly missed them all. Sorry that I wasn't able to see more of them longer, but I figured I'd be back soon, and there's not much more to be done than that.

Today, Nick and I hung out for like, 6 or 7 hours. At one point, we were nearby an almost empty pool and we started making water droplet patterns on the cement and watching the water spread. Like a Rorschach test.
He kept seeing Pokemon. That was kind of funny.
I kept seeing two figures kiss. (just for clarification, when I thought of the 2 figures, Nick wasn't one of them)

I just thought it was kind of sad and all.
There was so much that I learned this weekend. So much that I partook in, and experienced.

But the truth is, none of it really changed much, either what would happen, or how things would be handled.

At least Nick has been doing better lately. I feel a lot less tired, especially after my sojourn in Florence, and I feel like maybe it was just the R&R I needed.
Thank goodness :)

Busy Busy Bee

The first of February, I made this list of goals. I'm going to make it much shorter so it takes up less space, but I can still go through everything I've done.

1. participate in some extra-curricular
2. pass math. With a B
3. play cello more. At least as much as I'm practicing piano right now.
4. be a better friend.
5. keep up with blogging
6. start a dream blog!
7. send a post secret.
8. branch out - make more friends
9. lose weight.
10. love my family more.

Geeze. With explanations, it took up a lot more space than just 10 lines...
Anyway, I wanted to look at this list, and see what all I've accomplished.
I did try out for a play. That's a step. Even if I didn't get a part, I had the courage to attempt.
I did pass math with a B!!!
I still don't play cello that much... or at all :/
I'm working on the be-a-better-friend thing. I think it's working.
I've been keeping up with this blog pretty well, and my dream blog too.
I have yet to send a post secret.
Branching out is difficult when there's no place FOR you to branch, but I'm doing the best I can with my opportunities.. I think anyway.
Nope. I have not yet really lost any weight :/ Lazy arse.. :(
I think it's working. I feel somewhat better about my family, so, maybe it's working.

The point of this though, was for me to say something I felt like needed saying.
I'm not perfect.
As if that wasn't obvious.
But I'm working on what I know for a fact I need to fix.
For example, being baptized. I've known for years that I needed to do that. And now, I've finally taken care of it, which is an amazing thing. But being an amazing Christ-follower isn't about professing his name and then public proclamation of your faith. There's so much more than that.
It's your behavior, it's your language, it's your actions.
Mine aren't nearly where they need to be.
I still want what I want because I want it.
I don't pray enough.
I never read my Bible.

I'm not saying I'm a terrible person. I just feel like there's a lot I still need to work on before I feel comfortable saying I'm a Christian and I love God, and I know that I'm solid in my faith.
Then again, who said having faith meant being in your comfort zone?

I feel like there's so much to do.
I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I want to be.

Nope

I will never be what you want or what you need.
Without shame or sorrow I admit that.
Just disappointment.

I'm Melting! Melting!

Just to see your name there, and know that you are virtually a second away from me.
It makes me flutter all the more to know that we hardly ever talk and I still get this way.

Oh dear, am I a mess.

Emotionally Exhausted

I am completely rent. There is nothing left of me to give.
We've had the same conversation about 30 times. It always ends the same.
You're unreasonable, and you ask too much, even of me.
I can't help you anymore, but I don't know what else to do. There's nothing more to say.
Life right now, for you, is divided into "what I can do" and "what I want to do".
Until you decide that you want to live, I know that you think "I can die and solve it all".
Nothing I say can change that.
I just have to trust that you want to live, rather than not.

I Eye Aye

I make bad choices.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..

I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.

5.20-5.24

5.20
Started the day of the trip by spending the most marvelous time with dear friend Zach, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year, and the daring, darling Soleil whom I also love and hadn't seen in what felt almost as long as I'd seen Zachary.
We watched The Last Unicorn. Which I hadn't seen in at least 10 years or more. Morgan and I used to borrow it from the local library and we both loved it immensely.
I dyed my hair. It's darker brown. I like it a lot. And the people who noticed at all like it too.
I left for Florence. I saw my Starbucks friends. Some of them anyway. I saw Mels. And Kadi. And Jordan New. And August Langley. And met Adam Sims and Grayson Hiatt. I don't remember what else. Mels cooked dinner. For some reason it seemed out of character but it was delicious. Mad props to her.

5.21
Stayed inside all day. Everyone was busy. Mels was working. I was lonely. And read In Cold Blood. Dinner the next night was also made by Melissa and equally delicious. Hung out with August, Jordan, Kadi, Adam and Grayson again. For whatever reason, the sillies were intent on hooking up Grayson and I because we 'look alike'. Psh. As if that's reason enough to date someone.. No thanks. I'm sure he's probably a great kid, but no thanks. I'm not interested no matter how many times you ask. It made Kadi and me laugh a great deal, which was fun. Probably the most laughs she and I have ever shared. She seemed to like me very much, which is still somewhat new to me.

5.22
First day at The House. Accidentally woke up Josh, who answered the door only half-dressed seeing as he was sleeping when I knocked on the door. Brody and I played the keyboard. That was fun. And ended up waking Carrie which made me happy because I had missed her very much. We all had a laugh. And then soon the whole house was up. I don't think we did much that day. Everyone was wandering about in anticipation since that night several of them were barhopping. Carrie and I stayed behind with Brody. And Chris and Rosa. Everyone else left as I recall. Nick called. He mentioned how depressed he was. I didn't realize till he called and mentioned how bad off he'd been. It was terrible to hear how bad it sounded and I felt bad that I couldn't do anything about it.
Carrie and I made delicious real pie which everyone very much enjoyed (before they left for the bars). REAL PIE. N-N-N-N-NOT the FAKE pie.
Carrie and I did things of a slightly illegal nature. We had lots and lots of fun for a while. Watched Sailor Moon. Went outside and enjoyed nature. We had a perfect moment. One of those few which can be replicated. Life, for a little while, was perfect. There was nothing wrong with it. Everything was whole and pure and full of only good. It was one of the greatest moments I've ever experienced in a drive-way at midnight. Then I over-did myself. I went to far and started to get sick. Not before making an ass of myself. I called Sabastian and Nick. I don't remember those phone calls. I don't know what I said. Apparently it was all very funny. I remember images. I remember being sick. Very sick. So sick it felt like all of my insides were scrambling to get out of me. They were doing a bang up job. I laid on the ground for what felt like minutes in recall but was more like hours. Emptying the contents of my intestines. I cried. I remember crying, probably in pain, I don't know why to be sure. I just remember feeling awful. My whole body wracked in agony. I remember clutching a toilet bowl for dear life, feeling as though I'd fall off the face of the earth if I didn't grip it as tightly as my aching muscles would allow. I remember people standing over me, with so many different looks on each face. Some pity, some knowingly, others in determination to get me to stop being sick. Not one face was able. Eventually a friend helped me to bed, where he held back my hair as I continued to dry-heave and rub my back till I fell asleep. Sometime around 5 am.

5.23
The next morning wasn't nearly as equally dreadful. I didn't remember much of the night before. I wasn't even sick. I went to church. Mels made fun of me for being ill. Which didn't help the illness. I got baptized while Mel and Jordan made bets on when I would spew. It was the first time I'd ever been baptized. It felt like the right time. Except for the whole being sick the night before thing. Which I acknowledge isn't good. But I got baptized and that is no small feat in and of itself as I had been waiting on the edge for years, wondering when I would meet that steep-edge running. And I finally did. And I will always remember.
Carrie and I danced in the rain. It was another excellent moment. I wore the same shirt I got baptized in, and it felt almost like a second baptism. The whole day seemed a clear blue. Not that the sky was blue, it was gray, but everything seemed clean and beautiful. And it probably was.
I also found out how much of an idiot I made of myself the night before. Telling people things that maybe they ought not to have known at all. I was so ashamed. Carrie thought it was funny, and I know in retrospect, the moment will likely exponentially multiply in hilarity. At the time, all I could do was blush in shame.
We didn't do much that night. I think I slept most of the day away. I was so tired from the night before. I made brownies from scratch that everyone loved.

5.24
I got up and made omelets for everyone who wanted one. I didn't. I still couldn't eat. Said goodbye to the people who had played host the two nights before. I went to lunch with Carrie and Josh. Where I didn't eat. But we referenced my coming and visiting again very very soon. Carrie referenced how I'd made a fool of myself, but I didn't mind. We'd made a really awesome connection. And I feel like no matter what, we'll always have an understanding. She's a very interesting person. And in some ways, so like me. We made jokes in front of Josh, and he mentioned how excited he was for his birthday. When we got back, they tried to kidnap me so I'd stay, but eventually I did have to leave. We were all very sad. And I hope to be back soon.
I went to Starbucks to say my last goodbyes.
I went home.


And was lonely.

सो सो सो

There's so much to say. It's too late to write it all, and I'm tired, and for some reason I think I may have to work in the morning.. but perhaps not.
I don't know. If I get a call I'll be there. Otherwise, nuh uh.
I'll have to take a big chunk of time out to tell the tales of this weekend.. for they are many.
Interesting and just...
Lessons. All of them.

Life is Fucking Unpredictable.

No crazy curve balls today that ruined my life or anything, just thoughts (in explanation of the title).

Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.

Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.

In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.

Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.

And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.

With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.

I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.

How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.

I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.

More-on Me

LAYER 1: ABOUT YOU
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.

LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.

Andersen Cook

Is a dumb little girl.

But at least now she knows it and is moving on.

She also has a cute new hair cut and is thinking about dying it a little darker, with some gold which will be just the teeny change that she needed.

"In other news", her room is almost clean, which means that she will soon be able to paint! Hooray!

She is also terribly excited about the visit she will be having from a friend named Liz Worn whom she rarely sees but loves spending time with.



Also, I had a thought about family while I was cleaning.

You know they say that you don't see the product of a parents parenting until the grandkids. The reason being that you don't really know how well you did with your offspring till you see your offspring's offspring. So props to G-moneies for making me turn out awesome.
But really, I was thinking on a more specific level. I don't know, it's menial what I thought of, but nonetheless I thought of it, so here goes.
One way in which I will differ from my parents:
They always complain about the cleanliness of a household. Always. Unless it's spotless. But rarely do they ever ever actually clean it. So they bitch and moan for days or weeks or what have you, but nothing ever gets done until company is coming over, which means that everyone flips out for 2-4 business days right up until the visitor has arrived.
I don't play that shit. My parents claim they love for a place to be clean, but really, it's dirty. All of the time. Myself on the other hand, I prefer a clean living space. I don't really complain about it (from what I can guess). I just see a need and fulfill it.
That's just one thing I thought of earlier. Set an example for your kids by cleaning up after yourself. Rather than leave a mess and bitch later.

Also, I refuse to have a dog that's not house-trained or is a fucking retard. My basset hound will be brilliant and well-behaved.

Mood: Melancholy, Status: Confused

Still can't stop replaying last week.
It's stupid. I can't shut it off.
Like a theater with surround sound and I'm stuck inside and can't leave and it just keeps coming back to me.

I wish there was more stuff to do here, because then I'd have other things to do and think about and this nonsense would stop plaguing me, but I don't.

I'm stuck on repeat.

If only I could say "in other news..."

Um.. I guess I could say that

'In other news', I keep coming to the realization that my life is never what I really want it to be. Something's always missing or just out of grasp so that paradise is just out of reach.

It really felt so close, if only for a moment.

oh the mistakes we make

...

I throw my hands up in the air and sigh.

What more can I do than what's already been done?
Hold out for the better, wait for the worst?

Sit at a standstill and let my stomach churn?...


I give up on thinking I know what's best in this situation anymore.

... Easy as Pie

I wish all things were..

I forgot that when someone you like kisses you, your stomach flutters... It's been awhile.
I can't stop thinking all sorts of things about it, even though I know I shouldn't and it doesn't matter. But I didn't start this. It wasn't my fault.

It's just on repeat, the events of that night.
He shouldn't have kissed me, even if I wanted him to.

I didn't ask for this.

"Oh I wish I could go to the ball"

And then Fairy Godmother appears.

I have no ball to go to, but since yesterday I've been feeling a little less excited about going home.

Only a little (because I'm still so excited about cleaning/organizing/re-painting my room. As well as the many little projects I've got planned), but still enough to not want to go home as much.
Mum and I got in a bit of a tiff yesterday. For a few days now I've mentioned that she (or someone) should come up and get a few things so I don't have to carry down every damn thing by myself. You'd think that'd be reasonable, yes? I didn't carry up everything by myself. And there's hella stuff in my room. It's going to take a full day most likely for me to pack everything and carry it all down 4 flights of stairs. And then back up. All by myself.
Shit. Apparently it's an impossibility for someone to get the microwave and refrigerator that they senselessly bought me.
Dumb. Completely idiotic.

I have no trash bags, and they're expecting me to carry all of my clothes down in laundry bags.

WHAT THE FUCK MOM.

I realize it's not thatttt big of an issue. It's just stuff, and who knows, maybe it won't take that long. But that's not the only thing that frustrated me.

Mum and Morgan both made a joke about how excited they were for me to come back. So I could cook and clean.
Hence, Cinderella.
Nothing else to be excited about whatsoever. Purely - hey, Andersen will be free to do the shit that we've been putting off and too preoccupied to take care of ourselves.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. It just seems like, it's not a joke to say that's all I'm good for when it comes to that family. To clean-up after them.

Maybe it would be different if Morgan didn't make herself so busy, or if Dad wasn't a misogynist (maybe not that extreme, but presumes he's married to June Cleaver), or Mom wasn't a workaholic - probably trying her best to avoid being home.

I suppose if you were to look at my family and try and diagnose all of our problems, mine would be I try to avoid my family. And why shouldn't I? It seems like they're all trying to avoid me too.

Maybe I'm playing the role of 'angsty-teen' again in some absurd teen-movie-melodrama, but I'm agitated by it. I can't really help it. I don't like feeling neglected.
And I mention melodrama because I know that things are tough all over for everyone, and many more times over worse for other people, but it's how I view the situation.

But maybe people will come visit over the summer, and I'll be able to get away, so hope's not lost all just yet.

Sippin on Sunshine, Relaxing in Rome

It was just such a lovely day yesterday.

I mean, I had math, and there was a quiz, and then after that I had computer science, but... ah. What a lovely day.

I still had half a handle of that disgusting vodka, and so I said to Brody that we should go out and drink it. During the middle of a Thursday. And because Patrick hadn't drunk in a while either, and he really wanted to, I knew I wanted to invite him too.
And goodness, what an excellent idea of mine it was :)

We went to the Arboretum. It sounds all cool and exciting, truth is, it's only a bunch of trees and a clearing. But still, it's separated from campus and kind of a nice place for hiking and such.

Anyway, we found one area, kind of in the shade, and a little separated from the big open area by some trees. And sat down, and started taking shots.

At first, it wasn't all that fun. We were all a little awkward, just taking shots almost mechanically (maybe because McCormick's is the most disgusting stuff ever) and didn't have all that much to say.
But after 1/4 a handle we were all laughing, and taking pictures, and just having the best of best of times.

Reasoning:
It's springtime, and where we were was the perfect setting. Not a soul to worry about bothering us, just sitting in this beautiful clearing. There was sunshine, and all of the birds were chirping. There was a slight wind to go with the bits of sunshine that peaked through shade. I was with my friends. We were laughing, and talking, and it was just... one of the best times I've ever had ever.

Who knew drinking in the middle of the day could be so nice?

[Side note: walking back was hellish. I'm fairly certain that things happened that I don't remember. But not much. Fortunately for us, we ran in to Marshall and John on their way into the forest as we were coming out of it. Patrick could barely walk, and of course, Brody and I were wobbly, so it would've been nearly impossible had Marshall and John not been there. Many thanks to them.]

Baby baby now, Feel the Waltz

In a Regina Spektor mood.
And also Andrew Bird.
As well as the White Stripes and The Decemberists.
Other stuff I can't remember.
Mellow, and happy, and sunshiney :)

It's been a good day.
Hung out with my 2 gay besties. Always fun.
Had coffee and cigarettes.
Listened to music, talked for a few hours about things.
Saw my dear friend Ashley at Coker, and even though we didn't do much, I always have a fun time with her. She's such a darling.

Realized I'm actually getting tanner.
Discovered that I have plans for my life. Generic, but there nonetheless.

Missing some things I'm sure. Like a teeny piece of my heart. But you know, it's not a big enough piece to miss for now.
And I'm sure that at some point it'll be filled right? Before the desperation sets in.

And I think I'm getting a bunny by the Fall! So excited! A little Netherland dwarf. So adorable. And little... yay :)
and I'm getting an apartment with Melissa next semester (hopefully). We'll just have to see how things go.

And I have plans for the summer.
And my mom wants to redecorate my room with an Indian theme (random much, Ma?)
And I plan on minimizing the crap that's currently being stored in my room.
And when I'm not doing other stuff I have a plan for weight loss as well as keeping up with the decent literature that I've so been missing out on.

And I plan on seeing all sorts of people this summer and I've ordered things offline and I'm beginning to pack for going back home and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to summer. Not for being out of school, I'm loving school right now. But because I'll get to see people I've missed and I'm going to be taking classes.
(Not looking forward to Business Stats - Math 140 - but it's a necessary evil...)

It just feels like there's so much to look forward to and it's all so sudden and I'm almost ALMOST overwhelmed with a contentedness that I haven't felt in maybe.. ever.

<3

Not for Hitler

SO, I stole this thing from offline.

(not this --->)
It's completely cool.

It has all of these fun ideas for when you're bored and can't think of anything to do.

There's all of these really neat crafts that are fun and easy and fairly cheap.

I'm so excited to do some of them!

THey're epically awesome.

Ah!

And I think that I'll be able to get an apartment with Mels next semester which is also so super cool. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it! (Not really, but I AM terribly excited).

Also, I talked to this boy I liked yesterday and had a good fun time, and it seemed so did he.
And today I talked to a friend of mine with a beautiful smile and although I don't like him, he always brightens my day, just one of those really happy-go-lucky people (but normal. haha jk).

I bet you can probably tell just from reading this that I'm really excited.

Well, you're not wrong :)

You know, it's probably because it's Springtime.

(no, not for Hitler).

The End

Today I finished the final episode of Buffy.
It's been less than a month, right? I'm pretty sure it has. At least in relation to time spent watching.

Spike died in flames. I had no idea.

My heart is broken in two. He was my favorite.

Literally a piece of my heart is missing.

It's gonna take time for me to get over this.

... Of course I cried. Don't ask such a silly question.

Secondhand Heartbreak

Several days ago, my best friend called and told me that he and his long-time girlfriend had split up.

He called early in the morning. He never calls early in the morning.

Especially not sounding like he's going to cry.

He never cries.

Not when his Dad died.

Not when some other girl he really liked turned him down.

Not when he was kicked out of school or couldn't take exams.

He hasn't cried since he was really little. Years and years and years ago.

But now he calls me and all he wants to do is cry.

He said he wanted to cry.

He said he was going to cry.

He said he felt like he was dying.

He said he wanted to die.

That's a lot to handle as a wake-up call and no fore-warning.

I should've known. When I saw him that weekend.

... I should've known.

But there's nothing I could've done. I just waited and talked to him and tried to calm him down, but it was scary.

Almost, but not so much as when I witnessed a friends psychotic breakdown. That was terrifying.

But this... I couldn't do anything about this. I couldn't hold him, or stay with him to make sure he'd be alright.

I was helpless against his raging emotions.

Not against, he wasn't upset with me, but I couldn't help him feel better.

And knowing how much this was affecting him...

just hurt

more than I thought I could feel about a situation where I really didn't belong.

In a matter of Moments

Well, I'm a little happy right now.
I didn't think about what I was going to write about until I sat down and started writing this. I'm in the computer lab and I didn't realize I only have 20 minutes till class starts.

But I guess I'll write about this past weekend. I went home and it was not nearly as refreshing as I thought it would be for several reasons. But it also opened my eyes a bit.

I always say I love and miss my sister a lot. This weekend however, she was more interested in what was going on in her own life than seeing what I was up to. Or wanting to spend time with me. She hasn't seen me since Christmas. And I realize that she has a lot going on, not just a lot, but far too much: Robotics, softball, IB, a job. She's spreading herself far too thin for one 16 year old girl. But such is what she's made her life. Anyway, I missed her and wanted to see her.

My parents on the other hand, I realized, they always want me home. Well, I knew that part. But what really came to frustrate me was what we all did when they finally managed to get me home. They didn't want to talk. Morgan had softball games. So Dad was there. Mom had homework. So what did I do the majority of my Saturday? Sat and watched TV. Now, I understand that as parents, they miss me. But why the hell would you want me to come home if you're not going to concern yourselves with even communicating with me when I am? It just seems all very stupid.

Beyond parents, I visited my grandmother, and that surely was a frustrating visit too. She wanted to lecture me on loving my parents for who they are and appreciating all they do for me. I suppose it's true, they do a lot. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't respect them and appreciate their actions. But to go so far as to imply that problems are my fault or that I don't appreciate them enough is slightly infuriating. At the very least upsetting. For her to think that I'm disrespectful of them when they don't deserve it. I can appreciate them as parents, but they aren't that great of people. I know I don't have a perfect moral compass, but hell, who does? And I know they don't. So I don't like being told that I'm essentially a bad kid for feeling the way I feel, and more so, that I'm not justified.

Seeing old friends: well, I only saw one whom I haven't seen in ages. It's so odd. Whenever I see him, things just click into place. Like there's no where else in the world that I want to be. We just have an effortless understanding. I really miss him. I hate that we hardly ever see each other and that we're not attracted to each other that way. He's my best friend, and we hardly ever really speak. But we still just GET each other. I still know what he's thinking without saying it. I hate it, and I love it, and I miss it.

Ridiculous adolescence...

Second Banana

Another blow,
to my supernova ego.

Like I really need all that help.

Try out for a play. about 40 other people audition.
Now, I don't anticipate a huge role, but I expected something.

Certainly not nothing.
I suppose I should have though.
It doesn't really seem fair when you're going up against the entire theatre guild.

I feel like the only reason I didn't get a role was because I'm not a junior or senior here and I've never auditioned before.
I feel childlike and pitiful when I say: Not fair!

But it seems that way.
I didn't realize how much I really wanted this gig.
I knew I wanted it, but not this badly.

Well, it's not like I"m Tonya Harding or anything. I can live with the fact that I was beaten out. That I wasn't as good.

It always seems that way though. I mentioned it the day after the first auditions.

I'm always first when it comes to mediocrity.
In all things fine/performing arts. I'm only just good enough barely to be accepted.
But nothing worth pining over and taking real notice or a second glance.

It's not fair that no matter how hard I try I will always be second banana to someone else.
Anyone else.
No matter who it is I'm competing against. I always lose.

It's all Relative

I'm not really sure how to approach this subject, so I'll just dive right on in...

The other day, I was with a friend. And concerning this friend, there are several facts about his friends that I have gathered in the course of knowing him. Qualifications, if you will, for people to become his dearest friends.

These qualifications are:

1. They must love/have-seen Mean Girls

2. They must be intelligent

3. They must be funny

4. They must be somewhat insane (impulsive) and

5. They must be pretty.

Now, I thought long and hard about these qualifications, and more recently, he and I have become close, which implies that - he having confirmed what I assumed where his qualifications for friendship - I am all of these things.

See, before him, I had never really thought of myself as pretty. I can see intelligent, and funny and I certainly am impulsive. I did like Mean Girls a lot, but I had never seen myself as 'pretty'.

No matter how many times my parents said it.

Or Melissa or other girls said it, I never believed it.

Now here's a homosexual telling me I'm pretty.

Not even in a patronizing way that people sometimes do.

And beyond that, we went out to eat last night and he went so far as to call me skinny.

Now, he is much bigger than I am, but he also has friends much skinnier than I am. So I was utterly shocked to hear both things.

He said it again just now when he left, that his grandparents (whom I met briefly last night) would assume that he had a 'new pretty girlfriend'. It's still a surprise.

I thought on it today on my way to my business class.

About beauty and appearances.

And only recently, like, within the past few weeks or so, have I actually learned to accept that on some level, I am pretty.

That's all I'll allow myself for now.

But the thing that sucks the most is that most other people can't see past that.

The truth is, people are only concerned with conventional beauty. But that doesn't really mean anything. There are all sorts of other types of beautiful.

It was truly a bewildering thought I had though, that I could actually be beautiful. I look in my mirror a lot, and maybe that's why. I see what other people can't. Except that some people do. It really is odd when the one or two people will randomly say something about it. It catches me off guard.

It's funny, but I wish I could share that thought with other people.

But I know that I certainly wouldn't have believed anyone who told me that I was beautiful or cute or pretty or whatever.

At least until I could freely admit it to myself.

Who Knew?

Looking at pictures of old friends from high school, or at the very least, people I knew.

And looking back, I.B. was the biggest waste of my life ever.

I can't imagine why I did it in the first place.
It meant nothing so far as college was concerned. I got 6 measly hours of credit.

If I'd just taken Honors classes, not only would I have gotten A's, but I would've been able to take classes at Tech that would've immediately qualified me for more credit hours.

It's just completely unfair.

And even more than that, I came out of that program with... maybe 5 friends.

Enough to count on one hand that I like and still talk to pretty frequently.

What would've happened if I'd branched outside the I.B. boughs? I'm quite sure that I would've been happier, and that my time would've been much better spent.

20/20 hindsight.. It was a mistake, and I learned from it. Hopefully in the future I'll be able to assess a situation more properly before jumping in to such a commitment. I was only 15 when I decided to go into I.B. after all.

The people on my hall are nauseating.

I can't wait to be rid of them all (for the most part).

The year will soon be up.

Who knows, maybe the next 3 years will fly by too?

I guess one can only hope.

From the bottom of the bottle,

Or rather, the martini/wine glass.

I can't help but be melancholy when I'm drunk. I can't. Really.

I shouldn't write when I'm feeling this way.
a. I'm far too honest.

b. well, really there is no b, but I'm not drunk enough right now to be able to articulate all of the emotions I'm feeling properly. It's weird, but I can only do that when I know for a fact that I won't be able to remember. It's weird. I know.

I can't stop coughing. It bothers me.

For a while at the party tonight, I was like, the only girl. To someone like me, it's actually a nice thing, because, on the whole, I'm not all that unattractive. I can accept that. To some degree I'm charming and actually not unappealing to look at.

It was fun until other people came.

And it's not like I don't love those other people, I do. But I was no longer the center of attention.

It sounds horrible, I know, but I can't help it.

How often am I of all people, the one person sought out?

Never.

If ever.

And for an hour they looked to me, and waited for my smile.

Touched my face and called me babydoll.

One guy even called me cute and put his arm around me.

It makes me feel pathetic to be so reliant on another person, specifically a guy, but I can't help it.

I know what she meant now when she said she liked him, and his girlfriend too.

They're both good people.

And if I've said this once, I've said it a million times before:

the only guys at all interested in me, are the ones already with someone else, and dedicated enough to that girl that I, as even a blip on their radar, won't matter (at least enough to steal them away).

The rest are interested in the girls who regardless of actual disposition are more physically attractive.
(I'm not saying that I think the girl that was there tonight that took away from me isn't a wonderful person, she is, but it's not always the case).

So much for thinking I'd get action tonight.

And I didn't get nearly enough alcohol to be this pensive.
I said that to Brad.

I made several martini's tonight.

They were delicious.

I had wine too.

And a shot with the guy who called me babydoll and said I was cute and liked my sweater.

The wine wasn't as good as I've had before, but maybe that's what's made me so sad and thoughtful.

It tends to do that to me.

It makes me think of that song by that guy Dino..

"When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine,

that's amore".

Except it's not.

Because it never is.

I've written a great deal tonight.
It's probably sad that the fact that I'll remember this tomorrow is disappointing to me.

:/

Random Thoughts from the Bed-Ridden

I didn't realize how expensive I was until I started keeping track of my expenses.

Maybe I'm just nominally expensive.

Maybe I'm not expensive at all, but just a human with needs and therefore I'm just aware of my needs now.

I realized that nearly all of my close/best friends have in one way or another screwed me over in some way. And not just like "oh well, they apologized, forgive forget it's fine" but like "wtf were you thinking leaving me out to dry like that?".

With my first bff: they told everyone how much I weighed. Everyone laughed. I cried. I was 8 afterall.

With my second: neither of us kept up with each other. She made fun of me for liking this boy whom I was practically in love with. I haven't spoken to her in months. It sucks.

With my third: first I fell in love with him, then he started dating someone who I had just become friends with. She never spoke to me again. He only calls when he's high or drunk; he never remembers the conversations the next day.

Third: she started dating someone who I didn't approve of, but more than that, she stopped seeing me altogether. As well as all of her other friends. ("Abandon", see entry "Still the Vent")

With other close friends:

1. She flipped shit when she realized that I wasn't able to see her short notice. Sometimes things don't work out. I do hope she forgives me, because I do love her and want to see her. But I felt like she was the one who was all of a sudden angry with me and I honestly didn't see the reasoning behind it.

2. She - and many others - made fun of me when at a party, some guy made-out with me. That was it. I mean, it happened twice, but he made-out with me and they continued to poke at me until I nearly burst into tears and told her not to touch me because I couldn't stand what she was doing to my friendship with him (we weren't that close to begin with, but we were more friends before than after the party).

I can only think of maybe 2 or 3 people that I've been really really close to in my life that I'm either still friends with, or I am the result of that frienships' demise.

It doesn't really seem fair that I can keep a close friend without something falling to pieces.

I just had this thought: but honestly, in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, when everyone is hating on Harry because they think he's the Heir of Slytherin, I do not think that that's what I'd be doing. Afterall, he's the one got the power to kill, why would you be mean to him and get on his bad side? I think it'd make most sense if people were all up in his grill trying to be friendly.

I had other thoughts, but now I've forgotten them.

The ill can say a lot in 20 minutes when they're sitting in a car by themselves.

And the ill can forget a lot too.

Yet Another

Nearly deathly ill, and it's the first time you speak to me in nearly 3 weeks.

I am still a bit shocked.

I find it odd that my almost-hospitalization is the only reason you speak to me.

And apologize.

Again.

Maybe you meant it this time?

I couldn't help that I cried.

This is the 2nd time you've said sorry for the same thing.

And this is the first time I've been sick without a parent to look after me.

It makes me feel like a little kid.

I don't know, I suppose we'll see if things change. You claim that they have. I have yet to see it.

But then, we've been avoiding each other for quite some time now.

I feel nauseous, and generally disgusting.

I need a shower.

Some throat lozenges.

I need someone to sit next to me and caress my hair while I lie down and continue to focus on breathing.

There is one wonderful thing though that happened today: I got my red parka.

And it makes me look like Little Red Riding Hood.

I am delighted.

Still the Vent

... and I'm still venting.

I was thinking today about my dear, sweet friend Abandon*. Abandon liked a boy named Thief, and Thief liked her. But because of her friends Phoenix and Doc (who were not fond of Thief), there were many problems between the two of them. For the longest time, Thief was convinced that he could never date Abandon because he didn't want to take her away from her dearest friends.

Phoenix spoke to Doc, Ditzy, Cereal, and even Abandon and said that she wanted the problem to be fixed, that Abandon and Thief should be happy together if they wanted to be. So Phoenix went to speak with Thief.

Phoenix and Thief were not fond of one another, but because of their mutual like/love of Abandon, they looked past their differences and found it in themselves to attempt patience with one another so they could figure out what to do. Phoenix said that if Thief liked Abandon, why all the trouble? And Thief's reply was, "I don't want to break up your friendships. Between you, and Abandon, and Doc and Ditzy too"

Now, Phoenix was a bit surprised, but respected what Thief had said. She replied, "This tension is making her unhappy. We're not going to stand in the way of your relationship with her, so please be happy together"

These were the steps taken, leaving all thinking that now they would be dear friends and there would be no more problems that could not be avoided or discussed.

Several months later, Doc, Ditzy and Phoenix note that they have not spoken to Abandon in months, much less seen her. And they all knew the reason why: Thief. And this made them angry as well as sad.

They decide that once again, Phoenix will go and speak with Abandon. Even though Phoenix is infuriated, she loves Abandon a great deal and decides to go speak with her in an attempt to help her realize what has been going on.

Once they finally meet to talk, all Abandon has to say is that she feels that Phoenix is attempting to control her life and tell her who to spend her time with, and while she appreciates it, she is an adult and knows how to live her own life.

Of course, Phoenix, Doc and Ditzy knew that Abandon had finally lost her fucking mind.

And unfortunately, Phoenix realizes that she can never again be close to someone who not only can't respect what she says, but also is unable to see the truth.

Abandon neglected her friends.

And just as bad, Thief lied. The one thing he was most adamant about in the beginning is no longer a source of concern.

He claimed that he never wanted to intervene in friendships, but when all of Abandon's time is spent with him, there's nothing spare.

*all names have been changed

Several Thoughts

... for the morning.

artist: NaS

album: Illmatic

(mainly "Who's World is This?")

1st, "Apparently I've been converted to some weird piece of furniture in your life, ignored, avoided, and unused"

2nd, "she is a bitch, he is a cunt-muffin. I can't even focus I'm so upset about it. All my thoughts about them and that situation can be summed up in one finger"

3rd, "Yeah, I'm totally one of those 'seen not heard women'"

4th, "That's why I'm hungry! I didn't have dinner!... Oh. Wait, nevermind, I just told you, I had spaghetti"

5th, "I need you like an insomniac needs a chemically induced coma"

6th, "Why does blood keep rushing to my head to hard and so fast? My actual head, the one above my shoulders. I'm a girl"

7th, "SLEEEEEEEEEEP TIME"

8th, "He has on his 'focused' eyebrows"

9th, "No, I don't find it funny because I'm not 12 years old. And I'm a girl"

10th, "Sorry, I get moody and sarcastic when I'm tired"

11th, "Boo to the 8:30"

Don't Speak Liar

So, I will go ahead and say: 3 of my 4 predictions came true, so not too bad. Better than Miz Cleo, I'd say.

Reason for the headline: I thought about it the other day and was like, guys lie.. All the time.

I thought about it after someone told me that she'd taken this guys virginity AFTER he arrived at college.

He'd been telling everyone for months that he had lost his virginity after girls had pity sex with him because he'd been in an accident. ---> LIES

Another guy told me and several others that he'd lost his virginity his sophomore year of high school to some girl, he didn't talk about it. ---> I found out later, he's still a virgin.

Another friend of mine keeps calling me when he's high, and saying he misses me, and wants me to visit him at his college, but then I'll text or call when he's sober referencing it and he won't put in the effort that would actually get me there. ---> wtf.

There's more than just the reasons I gave, but for now, these are all that are on my mind, and should suffice plenty for the point of this blog entry.

It's just like, all the time, these guys are lying to me about all sorts of stupid things. They'd make fun of me for being a virgin, almost to a point of blatant mockery and outright hostility, or condescension. I don't understand. Maybe it's because honesty is like, numero uno virtue in my book, but maybe I'm just sick of all the bull shit.

Bois be dumb.

Did you see her Third Eye?

I have several predictions for the coming days.

I will start out by saying: yesterday, I claimed that this weekend would be spectacular starting Thursday.

Here's what my thoughts are...

Firstly, I knew that I would be spending time with Matthew (a.k.a. Disney) who is a lovely friend and has begun to instill in me an appreciation for Buffy the Vampire Slayer [tres super].

Secondly, I knew that I would be antiquing with Mels. She's rad :]

Thirdly, I will be consuming gratuitous amounts of beverages tomorrow evening and a dear friend will visit.

It will be marvelous.

Fourth: I will be going to USC. Where I will likely consume more tasty beverages with people I don't know terribly well.

It's a possibility anyway. It may not happen, I may just spend time with a dear friend completely... myself.

Fifthly, I can't figure out the damn picture thing, so I'm not adding anymore, but you get the gist that good things will occur this weekend.

And when I get back from USC, I'll probably watch more Buffy with Matthew.

When life is simple, life is good.

:]

Swept Back In by the Arms of Society

Yeah, not so much.

In short, a friend of mine had issues with me therefore I maintained the life of a hermit for a week.

Was I being adolescent and angst-y? Meh, maybe. But who would've thought it'd affect the way and with whom I interact?

Pas moi.

Oui... "c'est la vie"...

I don't know, I just figured that after the week of somewhat-self-confined solitary that there would be discussion and forgiveness of both parties and that things would go back to normal. Wrong.

But I won't go crawling back. Pah! That's not me.

It's just unfortunate when people who felt like family suddenly won't invite you over, or tell you where they're going.

And you have to eat almost every meal alone, in public.

And walk alone to nearly every class.

And sit in your room by yourself for hours at a time playing solitaire.

And pretend that someone wants to talk to you in class...

But I'm trying not to dwell.

As I say, I'm not crawling back. I'm a sociable, well-liked person. I can make other friends. And I have. Friends with benefits (no, not sexually).

While your friendships were meaningful for there time, according to you, said time is past, and where am I to go?

As far the hell away as possible from you, you vile creatures.

I'm just infinitely tired of the petty and meaningless existence of these simple people.

I cannot wait till I get out. Peace Corps. AmeriCorps.

I don't care. Get me out.

At least I can say it's better than high school.

Recent conversations with old friends made me realize that I wasn't nearly as cryptic about my distaste for high school as I perhaps thought I'd been.

Then again, I remember always saying that I looked forward to college because I knew it'd be better.

But two people now have described me as 'miserable' in high school, without any prompting from me..

Can't say it wasn't true though.