5.20
Started the day of the trip by spending the most marvelous time with dear friend Zach, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year, and the daring, darling Soleil whom I also love and hadn't seen in what felt almost as long as I'd seen Zachary.
We watched The Last Unicorn. Which I hadn't seen in at least 10 years or more. Morgan and I used to borrow it from the local library and we both loved it immensely.
I dyed my hair. It's darker brown. I like it a lot. And the people who noticed at all like it too.
I left for Florence. I saw my Starbucks friends. Some of them anyway. I saw Mels. And Kadi. And Jordan New. And August Langley. And met Adam Sims and Grayson Hiatt. I don't remember what else. Mels cooked dinner. For some reason it seemed out of character but it was delicious. Mad props to her.
5.21
Stayed inside all day. Everyone was busy. Mels was working. I was lonely. And read In Cold Blood. Dinner the next night was also made by Melissa and equally delicious. Hung out with August, Jordan, Kadi, Adam and Grayson again. For whatever reason, the sillies were intent on hooking up Grayson and I because we 'look alike'. Psh. As if that's reason enough to date someone.. No thanks. I'm sure he's probably a great kid, but no thanks. I'm not interested no matter how many times you ask. It made Kadi and me laugh a great deal, which was fun. Probably the most laughs she and I have ever shared. She seemed to like me very much, which is still somewhat new to me.
5.22
First day at The House. Accidentally woke up Josh, who answered the door only half-dressed seeing as he was sleeping when I knocked on the door. Brody and I played the keyboard. That was fun. And ended up waking Carrie which made me happy because I had missed her very much. We all had a laugh. And then soon the whole house was up. I don't think we did much that day. Everyone was wandering about in anticipation since that night several of them were barhopping. Carrie and I stayed behind with Brody. And Chris and Rosa. Everyone else left as I recall. Nick called. He mentioned how depressed he was. I didn't realize till he called and mentioned how bad off he'd been. It was terrible to hear how bad it sounded and I felt bad that I couldn't do anything about it.
Carrie and I made delicious real pie which everyone very much enjoyed (before they left for the bars). REAL PIE. N-N-N-N-NOT the FAKE pie.
Carrie and I did things of a slightly illegal nature. We had lots and lots of fun for a while. Watched Sailor Moon. Went outside and enjoyed nature. We had a perfect moment. One of those few which can be replicated. Life, for a little while, was perfect. There was nothing wrong with it. Everything was whole and pure and full of only good. It was one of the greatest moments I've ever experienced in a drive-way at midnight. Then I over-did myself. I went to far and started to get sick. Not before making an ass of myself. I called Sabastian and Nick. I don't remember those phone calls. I don't know what I said. Apparently it was all very funny. I remember images. I remember being sick. Very sick. So sick it felt like all of my insides were scrambling to get out of me. They were doing a bang up job. I laid on the ground for what felt like minutes in recall but was more like hours. Emptying the contents of my intestines. I cried. I remember crying, probably in pain, I don't know why to be sure. I just remember feeling awful. My whole body wracked in agony. I remember clutching a toilet bowl for dear life, feeling as though I'd fall off the face of the earth if I didn't grip it as tightly as my aching muscles would allow. I remember people standing over me, with so many different looks on each face. Some pity, some knowingly, others in determination to get me to stop being sick. Not one face was able. Eventually a friend helped me to bed, where he held back my hair as I continued to dry-heave and rub my back till I fell asleep. Sometime around 5 am.
5.23
The next morning wasn't nearly as equally dreadful. I didn't remember much of the night before. I wasn't even sick. I went to church. Mels made fun of me for being ill. Which didn't help the illness. I got baptized while Mel and Jordan made bets on when I would spew. It was the first time I'd ever been baptized. It felt like the right time. Except for the whole being sick the night before thing. Which I acknowledge isn't good. But I got baptized and that is no small feat in and of itself as I had been waiting on the edge for years, wondering when I would meet that steep-edge running. And I finally did. And I will always remember.
Carrie and I danced in the rain. It was another excellent moment. I wore the same shirt I got baptized in, and it felt almost like a second baptism. The whole day seemed a clear blue. Not that the sky was blue, it was gray, but everything seemed clean and beautiful. And it probably was.
I also found out how much of an idiot I made of myself the night before. Telling people things that maybe they ought not to have known at all. I was so ashamed. Carrie thought it was funny, and I know in retrospect, the moment will likely exponentially multiply in hilarity. At the time, all I could do was blush in shame.
We didn't do much that night. I think I slept most of the day away. I was so tired from the night before. I made brownies from scratch that everyone loved.
5.24
I got up and made omelets for everyone who wanted one. I didn't. I still couldn't eat. Said goodbye to the people who had played host the two nights before. I went to lunch with Carrie and Josh. Where I didn't eat. But we referenced my coming and visiting again very very soon. Carrie referenced how I'd made a fool of myself, but I didn't mind. We'd made a really awesome connection. And I feel like no matter what, we'll always have an understanding. She's a very interesting person. And in some ways, so like me. We made jokes in front of Josh, and he mentioned how excited he was for his birthday. When we got back, they tried to kidnap me so I'd stay, but eventually I did have to leave. We were all very sad. And I hope to be back soon.
I went to Starbucks to say my last goodbyes.
I went home.
And was lonely.
Wednesday, May 26
Tuesday, May 25
सो सो सो
There's so much to say. It's too late to write it all, and I'm tired, and for some reason I think I may have to work in the morning.. but perhaps not.
I don't know. If I get a call I'll be there. Otherwise, nuh uh.
I'll have to take a big chunk of time out to tell the tales of this weekend.. for they are many.
Interesting and just...
Lessons. All of them.
I don't know. If I get a call I'll be there. Otherwise, nuh uh.
I'll have to take a big chunk of time out to tell the tales of this weekend.. for they are many.
Interesting and just...
Lessons. All of them.
Tuesday, May 18
Life is Fucking Unpredictable.
No crazy curve balls today that ruined my life or anything, just thoughts (in explanation of the title).
Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.
Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.
In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.
And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.
With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.
I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.
How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.
I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.
Watched TV a lot today. I hate the television. It's a black hole that just absorbs you until you're a pile of mushy matter and your skull is full of shit.
Anyway, what made me think about predictability: She's Just not That Into You.
In Ginnifer Goodwin's little closing monologue, she says that sometimes people are happier alone, others need time to adjust to their problems, some people belong with a person.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Partly due to what I've been exposing myself to - the sermons online from Newspring - as well as my friends, and then looking closer at my family.
And, I like that Perry said that if you follow God's plan for you, you'll find who you're meant to be with, and so long as you stay on His path, then whatever relationship you have ought to work out - so long as it's through Him. I like that. I like the idea that there is someone out there with whom things will work - if you let them.
With my family, I see my parents everyday now, and it's weird. Not just because I don't feel like a proper contributor to the family, that makes me feel odd enough. Or that I don't seem to really fit in anymore. I mean, we have a 'flow' or whatever you'd like to call it which I can follow, but I feel just, uncomfortable I guess. Like I don't belong. Maybe everyone feels that way. Maybe it's just because I was gone so long. I don't know. But back to the thing about relationships. My parents were never terribly close when I was growing up. They seemed to always fight, and after every fight I always wondered if they would get a divorce. In fact, I wished for it, because then I wouldn't have to hear the fighting. Worrying about whether or not I thought Dad would hit Mom. I have so many friends that are the result or victims, or whatever you want to call it, of divorce. And it's hard not to feel like people just aren't meant to be together.
I talked with Cari today about relationships too. We were just talking about how whether or not we felt that certain people belong together, and that there's a lot of effort involved in loving people. How we always make plans and try to picture ourselves with someone for an eternity, and somehow, they end, sometimes abruptly, and other times, with hardly any notice at all.
How do you know if you're meant to be that old maid? I certainly don't want to be, but what do I know of relationships and love? I don't remember everything that she talked about, but I just remember I was kind of pensive about it. It just didn't all make sense to me, because I was thinking that as much as you'd like to plan for these things, you can't. You just don't know when ever what ever things are going to happen. You just don't. Life is too unpredictable.
I wish I could remember what all I wanted to say. There was so much more than this that made it cohesive and supported it all. This post is technically 2 days old. I just couldn't get motivated to type it.
More-on Me
LAYER 1: ABOUT YOU
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.
Name: Andersen
Birth Date: 30 June 1991
Current Location: South Carolina
Hair Color: Auburny
Righty/Lefty: Righto
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: hm. spiders? snakes? That I'll never get married probably is the biggest. I know I'd make a good mom and wife, and not being able to fulfill that would just be the biggest letdown ever.
Your dream of the perfect date: Just a mutual interest in each other. I think the right person could make anything interesting. And I'm open to trying just about anything (mostly legal and not super disgusting like a 3some/orgy) once.
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: Meh, it's kind of late.
Your best physical feature: either hair or eyes. I've also been told lips.
Your bed time: Usually I aim for 12 or 1. But that's less adhered to when I've got nothing to do.
Your most missed memory: ... Right now, Florence. But then last summer was great too.
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: No drink soda.
McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonald's fries. but either is acceptable. I used to love BK growing up though..
Single or Group Dates: Either. I haven't for serious dated basically ever, so I guess I don't really have much to base it on.
Adidas or Nike: Flats. I like flats.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Both.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: Occassionally
Cuss: some times more than others.
Take showers: of course.
Have a crush: Ugh. Yes. And I'm beating myself over the head for it.
Like school: Kinda, yeah.
Believe in yourself: Usually not. But every now and then.
Believe what goes around comes around: absolutely.
Believe everything happens for a reason: Mostly.
Think you’re a health freak: I love eating healthy.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH
Gone to the mall: Um, oh! yeah! With Matthew and Melanie
Been on stage: Nope. Not that I can think of, no.
Eaten sushi: Haha, probably. I eat it like, all of the time.
Been hurt: Probably.
Dyed your hair: No, but I'm going to this week I think :)
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: I do not believe so
Kissed the same sex: Yes I have
Gotten beaten up: I was punched in the stomach when I was 6...?
Changed who you were to fit in: Sure, everyone does. It's called conforming, and yes, we all do it.
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: Yikes. Hopefully 30. I can't imagine being alone for that long :/
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: The color doesn't matter, the shade does. A brown could be crystalline, or a blue could be muddy. It doesn't really matter so long as it's warm.
Hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short - medium
Fat or fit: Fit. But who am I to judge?
Looks or personality: Personality, always. But looks matter too, just a bit.
Fun or serious: Fun
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: before this? talking to 2 friends
1 HOUR AGO: talking to 1 friend, and reading The House of Mirth
1 WEEK AGO: Sitting at home bored in my brain.
1 YEAR AGO: Probably studying for those torturous IB exams.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: nervous, brain-dead, excited, tired, gross.
I HATE: how much I weigh. That I can't seem to find a bf.
I HIDE: Trinkets and things I like finding randomly later on.
I NEED: Money. And to see my friends.
I LOVE: my friends.
Monday, May 10
Andersen Cook
Is a dumb little girl.
But at least now she knows it and is moving on.
She also has a cute new hair cut and is thinking about dying it a little darker, with some gold which will be just the teeny change that she needed.
"In other news", her room is almost clean, which means that she will soon be able to paint! Hooray!
She is also terribly excited about the visit she will be having from a friend named Liz Worn whom she rarely sees but loves spending time with.
Also, I had a thought about family while I was cleaning.
You know they say that you don't see the product of a parents parenting until the grandkids. The reason being that you don't really know how well you did with your offspring till you see your offspring's offspring. So props to G-moneies for making me turn out awesome.
But really, I was thinking on a more specific level. I don't know, it's menial what I thought of, but nonetheless I thought of it, so here goes.
One way in which I will differ from my parents:
They always complain about the cleanliness of a household. Always. Unless it's spotless. But rarely do they ever ever actually clean it. So they bitch and moan for days or weeks or what have you, but nothing ever gets done until company is coming over, which means that everyone flips out for 2-4 business days right up until the visitor has arrived.
I don't play that shit. My parents claim they love for a place to be clean, but really, it's dirty. All of the time. Myself on the other hand, I prefer a clean living space. I don't really complain about it (from what I can guess). I just see a need and fulfill it.
That's just one thing I thought of earlier. Set an example for your kids by cleaning up after yourself. Rather than leave a mess and bitch later.
Also, I refuse to have a dog that's not house-trained or is a fucking retard. My basset hound will be brilliant and well-behaved.
But at least now she knows it and is moving on.
She also has a cute new hair cut and is thinking about dying it a little darker, with some gold which will be just the teeny change that she needed.
"In other news", her room is almost clean, which means that she will soon be able to paint! Hooray!
She is also terribly excited about the visit she will be having from a friend named Liz Worn whom she rarely sees but loves spending time with.
Also, I had a thought about family while I was cleaning.
You know they say that you don't see the product of a parents parenting until the grandkids. The reason being that you don't really know how well you did with your offspring till you see your offspring's offspring. So props to G-moneies for making me turn out awesome.
But really, I was thinking on a more specific level. I don't know, it's menial what I thought of, but nonetheless I thought of it, so here goes.
One way in which I will differ from my parents:
They always complain about the cleanliness of a household. Always. Unless it's spotless. But rarely do they ever ever actually clean it. So they bitch and moan for days or weeks or what have you, but nothing ever gets done until company is coming over, which means that everyone flips out for 2-4 business days right up until the visitor has arrived.
I don't play that shit. My parents claim they love for a place to be clean, but really, it's dirty. All of the time. Myself on the other hand, I prefer a clean living space. I don't really complain about it (from what I can guess). I just see a need and fulfill it.
That's just one thing I thought of earlier. Set an example for your kids by cleaning up after yourself. Rather than leave a mess and bitch later.
Also, I refuse to have a dog that's not house-trained or is a fucking retard. My basset hound will be brilliant and well-behaved.
Sunday, May 9
Mood: Melancholy, Status: Confused
Still can't stop replaying last week.
It's stupid. I can't shut it off.
Like a theater with surround sound and I'm stuck inside and can't leave and it just keeps coming back to me.
I wish there was more stuff to do here, because then I'd have other things to do and think about and this nonsense would stop plaguing me, but I don't.
I'm stuck on repeat.
If only I could say "in other news..."
Um.. I guess I could say that
'In other news', I keep coming to the realization that my life is never what I really want it to be. Something's always missing or just out of grasp so that paradise is just out of reach.
It really felt so close, if only for a moment.
It's stupid. I can't shut it off.
Like a theater with surround sound and I'm stuck inside and can't leave and it just keeps coming back to me.
I wish there was more stuff to do here, because then I'd have other things to do and think about and this nonsense would stop plaguing me, but I don't.
I'm stuck on repeat.
If only I could say "in other news..."
Um.. I guess I could say that
'In other news', I keep coming to the realization that my life is never what I really want it to be. Something's always missing or just out of grasp so that paradise is just out of reach.
It really felt so close, if only for a moment.
Tuesday, May 4
oh the mistakes we make
...
I throw my hands up in the air and sigh.
What more can I do than what's already been done?
Hold out for the better, wait for the worst?
Sit at a standstill and let my stomach churn?...
I give up on thinking I know what's best in this situation anymore.
I throw my hands up in the air and sigh.
What more can I do than what's already been done?
Hold out for the better, wait for the worst?
Sit at a standstill and let my stomach churn?...
I give up on thinking I know what's best in this situation anymore.
Sunday, May 2
... Easy as Pie
I wish all things were..
I forgot that when someone you like kisses you, your stomach flutters... It's been awhile.
I can't stop thinking all sorts of things about it, even though I know I shouldn't and it doesn't matter. But I didn't start this. It wasn't my fault.
It's just on repeat, the events of that night.
He shouldn't have kissed me, even if I wanted him to.
I didn't ask for this.
I forgot that when someone you like kisses you, your stomach flutters... It's been awhile.
I can't stop thinking all sorts of things about it, even though I know I shouldn't and it doesn't matter. But I didn't start this. It wasn't my fault.
It's just on repeat, the events of that night.
He shouldn't have kissed me, even if I wanted him to.
I didn't ask for this.
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