Something old, something new?

Something old: I'm dead bored kinda.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.

Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.

Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"

Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)

I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.

We're the New Face of Failure

I'm Like a Lawyer, with the way I'm always trying to get you off (me and you)
Fall Out Boy

Last year's wishes,
Are this year's apologies.
Every last time I come home,
I take my last chance,
To burn a bridge or two.
I only keep myself this sick in the head,
'Cause I know how the words get you.

We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.

Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)

We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.

The best,
Way to make it through,
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize,
Two out of three ain't bad.
Ain't bad.

Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
Me And you setting in a honeymoon.
(Honeymoon.)

5-second rule

5 seconds can make all the difference. Even if it's just a smile and a wave. That gives you all you need to know.

This past weekend in Florence was wonderful, as always.
Dearly missed them all. Sorry that I wasn't able to see more of them longer, but I figured I'd be back soon, and there's not much more to be done than that.

Today, Nick and I hung out for like, 6 or 7 hours. At one point, we were nearby an almost empty pool and we started making water droplet patterns on the cement and watching the water spread. Like a Rorschach test.
He kept seeing Pokemon. That was kind of funny.
I kept seeing two figures kiss. (just for clarification, when I thought of the 2 figures, Nick wasn't one of them)

I just thought it was kind of sad and all.
There was so much that I learned this weekend. So much that I partook in, and experienced.

But the truth is, none of it really changed much, either what would happen, or how things would be handled.

At least Nick has been doing better lately. I feel a lot less tired, especially after my sojourn in Florence, and I feel like maybe it was just the R&R I needed.
Thank goodness :)

Busy Busy Bee

The first of February, I made this list of goals. I'm going to make it much shorter so it takes up less space, but I can still go through everything I've done.

1. participate in some extra-curricular
2. pass math. With a B
3. play cello more. At least as much as I'm practicing piano right now.
4. be a better friend.
5. keep up with blogging
6. start a dream blog!
7. send a post secret.
8. branch out - make more friends
9. lose weight.
10. love my family more.

Geeze. With explanations, it took up a lot more space than just 10 lines...
Anyway, I wanted to look at this list, and see what all I've accomplished.
I did try out for a play. That's a step. Even if I didn't get a part, I had the courage to attempt.
I did pass math with a B!!!
I still don't play cello that much... or at all :/
I'm working on the be-a-better-friend thing. I think it's working.
I've been keeping up with this blog pretty well, and my dream blog too.
I have yet to send a post secret.
Branching out is difficult when there's no place FOR you to branch, but I'm doing the best I can with my opportunities.. I think anyway.
Nope. I have not yet really lost any weight :/ Lazy arse.. :(
I think it's working. I feel somewhat better about my family, so, maybe it's working.

The point of this though, was for me to say something I felt like needed saying.
I'm not perfect.
As if that wasn't obvious.
But I'm working on what I know for a fact I need to fix.
For example, being baptized. I've known for years that I needed to do that. And now, I've finally taken care of it, which is an amazing thing. But being an amazing Christ-follower isn't about professing his name and then public proclamation of your faith. There's so much more than that.
It's your behavior, it's your language, it's your actions.
Mine aren't nearly where they need to be.
I still want what I want because I want it.
I don't pray enough.
I never read my Bible.

I'm not saying I'm a terrible person. I just feel like there's a lot I still need to work on before I feel comfortable saying I'm a Christian and I love God, and I know that I'm solid in my faith.
Then again, who said having faith meant being in your comfort zone?

I feel like there's so much to do.
I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I want to be.

Nope

I will never be what you want or what you need.
Without shame or sorrow I admit that.
Just disappointment.

I'm Melting! Melting!

Just to see your name there, and know that you are virtually a second away from me.
It makes me flutter all the more to know that we hardly ever talk and I still get this way.

Oh dear, am I a mess.

Emotionally Exhausted

I am completely rent. There is nothing left of me to give.
We've had the same conversation about 30 times. It always ends the same.
You're unreasonable, and you ask too much, even of me.
I can't help you anymore, but I don't know what else to do. There's nothing more to say.
Life right now, for you, is divided into "what I can do" and "what I want to do".
Until you decide that you want to live, I know that you think "I can die and solve it all".
Nothing I say can change that.
I just have to trust that you want to live, rather than not.

I Eye Aye

I make bad choices.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..

I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.