It seems like every where you turn there's hypocritical b.s.
Everyone that you think you can rely on, is actually not worthy of an ounce of your trust. People that are SUPPOSED to be reliable, people whose job description is meant to include things like, RELIABILITY, and HONESTY.
The more you depend upon these manipulative people, the more they're able to manipulate you, leading you not only to distrust yourself, but to also distrust the people who - miraculously - are honest with you!
There just seem to be so many instances in my life where, the people who I grew up counting on to be there for me and to set a good example, are people that now, I have to forgive for all of their whopper-size-mistakes.
Multiple people in my life - people in the church - have had affairs, not just like, one couple. Try three. And those are only the KNOWN affairs.
And it's not just that fact that you cheated on your husband and wife; it's not just the fact that you deceived your children; it's not the fact that you were in a position of power where the whole church is looking to you as a moral compass; it's the way you handled it too.
Whenever I've done anything wrong - granted, none of my mistakes were adultery - but when I've done anything wrong in my life, I've had to sit around and accept the consequences, I'd have to wait and see whatever damage it was that I had caused to those around me. Two of the three couples that cheated on their spouses fled. They didn't remain to see the church they left behind.
Beyond just avoiding their problem, they also ignored it. One of the three couples acted as if the adulterating had not even occurred. They remain in a state of delusion in reference to themselves, and attempted deception to those that already know of their actions.
One of the three couples separated. Which means, obviously, that two of the three couples remained together. Be it for the sake of their children, or to save face, or for themselves, to maintain their facade.
It's infuriating to think that people who can be so... misguided, are continuing to misguide others.
_________________________________________________
On a different note, one of the couples, who stayed together, stayed to see what their consequences might be, and also acknowledged their wrong-doing, recently had a child together - 18 months ago.
This baby boy has been in the hospital for 18 months.
There have been gastrointestinal problems.
There have been heart problems.
There have been lots of complications.
He has down syndrome.
Solely on judging this situation, it looks as though God is punishing them, but how can that make sense? The people who are trying their best to do what is right in the eyes of God and accepting responsibility, are the ones who seem to be punished the most.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they're happy with their new baby boy who's already had so much trouble in this crazy world where he's only bound to have more trouble.
But more likely than not, this has been all the more difficult on them, knowing that they've been unfaithful.
It's hard for me to accept that God is a malicious and unforgiving God.
I believe that God is merciful, and gracious; powerful, but wonderful.
I'm a firm believer in "God has a plan through all things, even when we don't understand".
Yet, it's hard to believe that through all of the frustrating problems we are presented with.
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Thursday, July 22
Wednesday, July 14
Redundant.
How is it possible that my life is so absurdly redundant?
I decided today that I would write prison inmates. Possibly not the smartest thing I've ever done. But whatever. It would've been mostly platonic. I liked the idea of writing someone who might possibly be interested in responding to my letters.
I liked the idea of having a friend who was possibly misunderstood. And just really wanted someone to talk to. I could've been that person.
Anyway, my mom mentioned that she had looked in my room for a few things that she thought might be in here, and much like the time they found drug paraphernalia in my room, they found letters I had just written to inmates in various prisons..
Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, ok. I get that taking care of my safety is important.
But mother definitely got online and checked these people out. Their profiles too. Accusing me of just.. idk. Inappropriate behavior which was frustrating.
I don't like feeling like I'm mistrusted.
Or feel like I can't trust the people I live with.
I want a padlock on my door.
I decided today that I would write prison inmates. Possibly not the smartest thing I've ever done. But whatever. It would've been mostly platonic. I liked the idea of writing someone who might possibly be interested in responding to my letters.
I liked the idea of having a friend who was possibly misunderstood. And just really wanted someone to talk to. I could've been that person.
Anyway, my mom mentioned that she had looked in my room for a few things that she thought might be in here, and much like the time they found drug paraphernalia in my room, they found letters I had just written to inmates in various prisons..
Why does this always happen to me?
I mean, ok. I get that taking care of my safety is important.
But mother definitely got online and checked these people out. Their profiles too. Accusing me of just.. idk. Inappropriate behavior which was frustrating.
I don't like feeling like I'm mistrusted.
Or feel like I can't trust the people I live with.
I want a padlock on my door.
Saturday, July 10
If Not Twitter
If I didn't have a twitter, I wouldn't have been able to relay all the events of this week.
7.4.10
Arrive in Florence. No one is about but Brody. We were bored. We had a water fight. He made lots of sexual references that, coming from Brody, I deemed kind of awkward. But it's not very important. Anyway, we watched a few fireworks, and I slept in Carrie's room, that was essentially my evening. Nothing to really write home about.
7.5.10
I went to Francis Marion with Brody for lack of anything better to do. I played piano. I visited the housing office. I read some of "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I don't know how much I like John Irving by the way. As I was sitting in the LSF building, I was right behind the soda machine for a while, and was thinking, how strange it is, that someone getting a soda, could be the person who in 2 or 3 years' time, is asking me out on a date, or even crazier, to get married. It just crossed my mind that life seems to be a lot about Chance. That you never know who you could have already crossed paths with and who just might be a big part of your life, when only a week ago, they walked past you and you didn't even notice. Then I also so PH. Shocking enough. Further impressing upon me that life seems to be Chance more than choice.
I went swimming with Liz later that evening and had dinner with her family. They had a fun little family rave, and I got to see Tom a bit more. Apparently he's going to FMU next year, which should be fun because I'll see him more and he'll also probably be at the apartment a lot. Lol. He seems like a sweet kid :)
Later that night, I decided that I would stay at Megan's. Carrie had smoked some before we drove over and was wigging out because when we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that the clock there said that it was July 5, 1989. Which I pointed out to her. She freaked, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we had burst through a hole in the space time continuum and what would we do if we had traveled back in time? Our families would be elsewhere, our friends wouldn't be anywhere near, we had strange cell-phones, and a later model of car. We would be outsiders with no money and few means. It sufficiently scared her, and almost drew me in... but it was funny :)
That night was the first night that Josh Carrie and I slept in the water bed. We all cuddled really close, and were warm and cozy. Haha. Very snuggily. lol.
7.6.10
We also went to FMU on Tuesday, and hung out with Megan some. PH was there, and I convinced Carrie to swim with us, somehow. Sometimes my luck is purely... fantastic. We swam for like, 30 minutes then had to get out. PH came over to the house and hung out for apparently a long time. I don't remember a period of separation. We cuddle in the house with everyone. Then when they left, we talked. I explained everything that he didn't understand about what had happened. And when he discovered everything, he felt he had to leave, but Carrie came back, and I wanted to be up there with her, and so did he, so he stayed. But I remember they left again later, and things were still awkward. So we were separate for a while. I guess he felt bad, and I can understand. It was just difficult. We went to Taco Bell later, and things were no less estranged. I drank later that night. He did not. I barely remember him leaving. I just remember being sad.
7.7.10
Mom and Dad had to come fix my tire. That was so terribly awkward. My friends had all gone, except for Brody while they were fixing the tire. They returned the last 10 minutes of the tire changing. I was so worried my parents knew they were high. Petrified even. It's all I could think about. For nearly 24 hours. Slept with Carrie and Josh again.
7.8.10
We got crunk, and then drove. For ever it seemed. We were so bored. We didn't know what else to do. So we just drove. There was a 2 or 3 hour break in between the drive, but we didn't notice it. Well, I didn't notice it anyway. It felt like we were in the car all the day long. We went to Timmonsville, unexpectedly. That's what happens when you just drive with no notion of where you're going. Just following your feet. Although, I sincerely hope that if I'm just following my feet someplace, that I end up somewhere much more interesting than the run-down glory that is Timmonsville. As we drove, at one point we sang along to Eleanor Rigby. I was kind of surprised to find us all singing along, but we were. The only one we all sang to... Then we came back. For a while, Josh and I were the only ones in bed because Carrie was reading. We had fallen asleep with our arms around each other by the time Carrie came in. She said the next morning that he had been making funny noises in the night.. lol. We slept the three of us together in bed for the last night.
7.9.10
I tried to leave early, but none of the 3 of us wanted to get out of bed. haha. We were all awake at 7:30, but it was raining, so we all went back to bed. A few hours later, we all were awake again, but didn't feel like moving still, so we talked for a half hour or so about all sorts of things, but eventually fell asleep again. This happened 2 or 3 times, until we finally decided around 11 that we ought to get up :) We didn't do much. Just spent more time together. I tried to leave early, but I forgot things and had to backtrack. Carrie finally left, and I left Josh at the house. It was so strange to leave. I gave them all hugs and we parted ways. I stopped by Starbucks, and talked to Joseph and August. I was surprised at Joseph yet again. It's odd to think that not too long ago, I saw him pretty frequently, and talked to him pretty often as well. He still seems to like me well enough though, and we talked for a bit. Actually, like half an hour. Just about things that had been going on in our lives. Pretty superficially, but nonetheless, he and I can talk a bit. Then I left to try and meet up with Matthew and Melanie. We met at Red Lobster, and although I only meant to stay until their meal came, I was there for the whole thing. Which was fine actually, because 1. I missed Matthew terribly. I feel like I hadn't seen him since May or early early June. 2. They always eat well.. lol. Point being, I meant to leave Florence by 5:30 at the latest, and didn't end up leaving until closer to 7:40... But I made it back to Charleston in an hour and a half, like a Champ!
I'm very tired, but so so glad I went and saw Carrie and Josh and Megan and Liz and Brody and all of the others.
I feel like I'm going to be very close to a different group of people this semester. And I like that :) It's good to make friends.
And hopefully, I'll get the job at Starbucks that I applied for today! Fingers crossed and let's hope that my luck is lasting :/
7.4.10
Arrive in Florence. No one is about but Brody. We were bored. We had a water fight. He made lots of sexual references that, coming from Brody, I deemed kind of awkward. But it's not very important. Anyway, we watched a few fireworks, and I slept in Carrie's room, that was essentially my evening. Nothing to really write home about.
7.5.10
I went to Francis Marion with Brody for lack of anything better to do. I played piano. I visited the housing office. I read some of "A Prayer for Owen Meany". I don't know how much I like John Irving by the way. As I was sitting in the LSF building, I was right behind the soda machine for a while, and was thinking, how strange it is, that someone getting a soda, could be the person who in 2 or 3 years' time, is asking me out on a date, or even crazier, to get married. It just crossed my mind that life seems to be a lot about Chance. That you never know who you could have already crossed paths with and who just might be a big part of your life, when only a week ago, they walked past you and you didn't even notice. Then I also so PH. Shocking enough. Further impressing upon me that life seems to be Chance more than choice.
I went swimming with Liz later that evening and had dinner with her family. They had a fun little family rave, and I got to see Tom a bit more. Apparently he's going to FMU next year, which should be fun because I'll see him more and he'll also probably be at the apartment a lot. Lol. He seems like a sweet kid :)
Later that night, I decided that I would stay at Megan's. Carrie had smoked some before we drove over and was wigging out because when we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that the clock there said that it was July 5, 1989. Which I pointed out to her. She freaked, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we had burst through a hole in the space time continuum and what would we do if we had traveled back in time? Our families would be elsewhere, our friends wouldn't be anywhere near, we had strange cell-phones, and a later model of car. We would be outsiders with no money and few means. It sufficiently scared her, and almost drew me in... but it was funny :)
That night was the first night that Josh Carrie and I slept in the water bed. We all cuddled really close, and were warm and cozy. Haha. Very snuggily. lol.
7.6.10
We also went to FMU on Tuesday, and hung out with Megan some. PH was there, and I convinced Carrie to swim with us, somehow. Sometimes my luck is purely... fantastic. We swam for like, 30 minutes then had to get out. PH came over to the house and hung out for apparently a long time. I don't remember a period of separation. We cuddle in the house with everyone. Then when they left, we talked. I explained everything that he didn't understand about what had happened. And when he discovered everything, he felt he had to leave, but Carrie came back, and I wanted to be up there with her, and so did he, so he stayed. But I remember they left again later, and things were still awkward. So we were separate for a while. I guess he felt bad, and I can understand. It was just difficult. We went to Taco Bell later, and things were no less estranged. I drank later that night. He did not. I barely remember him leaving. I just remember being sad.
7.7.10
Mom and Dad had to come fix my tire. That was so terribly awkward. My friends had all gone, except for Brody while they were fixing the tire. They returned the last 10 minutes of the tire changing. I was so worried my parents knew they were high. Petrified even. It's all I could think about. For nearly 24 hours. Slept with Carrie and Josh again.
7.8.10
We got crunk, and then drove. For ever it seemed. We were so bored. We didn't know what else to do. So we just drove. There was a 2 or 3 hour break in between the drive, but we didn't notice it. Well, I didn't notice it anyway. It felt like we were in the car all the day long. We went to Timmonsville, unexpectedly. That's what happens when you just drive with no notion of where you're going. Just following your feet. Although, I sincerely hope that if I'm just following my feet someplace, that I end up somewhere much more interesting than the run-down glory that is Timmonsville. As we drove, at one point we sang along to Eleanor Rigby. I was kind of surprised to find us all singing along, but we were. The only one we all sang to... Then we came back. For a while, Josh and I were the only ones in bed because Carrie was reading. We had fallen asleep with our arms around each other by the time Carrie came in. She said the next morning that he had been making funny noises in the night.. lol. We slept the three of us together in bed for the last night.
7.9.10
I tried to leave early, but none of the 3 of us wanted to get out of bed. haha. We were all awake at 7:30, but it was raining, so we all went back to bed. A few hours later, we all were awake again, but didn't feel like moving still, so we talked for a half hour or so about all sorts of things, but eventually fell asleep again. This happened 2 or 3 times, until we finally decided around 11 that we ought to get up :) We didn't do much. Just spent more time together. I tried to leave early, but I forgot things and had to backtrack. Carrie finally left, and I left Josh at the house. It was so strange to leave. I gave them all hugs and we parted ways. I stopped by Starbucks, and talked to Joseph and August. I was surprised at Joseph yet again. It's odd to think that not too long ago, I saw him pretty frequently, and talked to him pretty often as well. He still seems to like me well enough though, and we talked for a bit. Actually, like half an hour. Just about things that had been going on in our lives. Pretty superficially, but nonetheless, he and I can talk a bit. Then I left to try and meet up with Matthew and Melanie. We met at Red Lobster, and although I only meant to stay until their meal came, I was there for the whole thing. Which was fine actually, because 1. I missed Matthew terribly. I feel like I hadn't seen him since May or early early June. 2. They always eat well.. lol. Point being, I meant to leave Florence by 5:30 at the latest, and didn't end up leaving until closer to 7:40... But I made it back to Charleston in an hour and a half, like a Champ!
I'm very tired, but so so glad I went and saw Carrie and Josh and Megan and Liz and Brody and all of the others.
I feel like I'm going to be very close to a different group of people this semester. And I like that :) It's good to make friends.
And hopefully, I'll get the job at Starbucks that I applied for today! Fingers crossed and let's hope that my luck is lasting :/
Sunday, July 4
What we have here
Is a failure to communicate.
Apparently, the plans I make are meant to be invalid because I didn't make them with the consent of the family.
My family doesn't make plans together, so I don't know what this nonsense is about trying to scapegoat me as the source of their problems, for all they say about 'not blaming' me or 'being angry'.
It just isn't right to be treated as though I'm incompetent. I'm not the one who failed to make plans until the day before they were meant to be acted upon.
Please. Like I really wanted to go anywhere with you anyway.
Tosh.
I did feel like I did better though. I didn't get severely angry like I did the other morning when I woke up to go visit the grandparents who don't even call to wish me happy birthday, and my car was gone. Mother took it without even any notice. She couldn't move the cars to reach hers, and took mine instead... Maybe it was a good reason. I'm not sure. It just didn't seem right.
My mom is very distracted by working on her doctorate. I get that it's difficult.
But shit, we're supposed to be a family and with how she's been acting as of late, taking care of the family seems to be last on her mind really.
That's fine. Get a divorce and get out. You'll be happier I'm sure.
Maybe it'll be better for the rest of us too.
You know, it's true what they say:
Nothing Could be Finer, than to be in Carolina.
So long as you're only dreaming, or in a coma.
Apparently, the plans I make are meant to be invalid because I didn't make them with the consent of the family.
My family doesn't make plans together, so I don't know what this nonsense is about trying to scapegoat me as the source of their problems, for all they say about 'not blaming' me or 'being angry'.
It just isn't right to be treated as though I'm incompetent. I'm not the one who failed to make plans until the day before they were meant to be acted upon.
Please. Like I really wanted to go anywhere with you anyway.
Tosh.
I did feel like I did better though. I didn't get severely angry like I did the other morning when I woke up to go visit the grandparents who don't even call to wish me happy birthday, and my car was gone. Mother took it without even any notice. She couldn't move the cars to reach hers, and took mine instead... Maybe it was a good reason. I'm not sure. It just didn't seem right.
My mom is very distracted by working on her doctorate. I get that it's difficult.
But shit, we're supposed to be a family and with how she's been acting as of late, taking care of the family seems to be last on her mind really.
That's fine. Get a divorce and get out. You'll be happier I'm sure.
Maybe it'll be better for the rest of us too.
You know, it's true what they say:
Nothing Could be Finer, than to be in Carolina.
So long as you're only dreaming, or in a coma.
Sunday, June 27
Something old, something new?
Something old: I'm dead bored kinda.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.
Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.
Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"
Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)
I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.
Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.
Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"
Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)
I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.
Tuesday, June 22
We're the New Face of Failure
I'm Like a Lawyer, with the way I'm always trying to get you off (me and you)
Fall Out Boy
Last year's wishes,
Are this year's apologies.
Every last time I come home,
I take my last chance,
To burn a bridge or two.
I only keep myself this sick in the head,
'Cause I know how the words get you.
We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.
Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.
The best,
Way to make it through,
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize,
Two out of three ain't bad.
Ain't bad.
Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
Me And you setting in a honeymoon.
(Honeymoon.)
Fall Out Boy
Last year's wishes,
Are this year's apologies.
Every last time I come home,
I take my last chance,
To burn a bridge or two.
I only keep myself this sick in the head,
'Cause I know how the words get you.
We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.
Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.
The best,
Way to make it through,
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize,
Two out of three ain't bad.
Ain't bad.
Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
Me And you setting in a honeymoon.
(Honeymoon.)
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