Something old, something new?

Something old: I'm dead bored kinda.
something new: a lot longer of an explanation than that.
---> I've been so so excited because lately, I feel like God is working in my life. I know people say that a lot. And for them, who knows, it could be true. I just know that for myself, I've felt that I've been really separate from God (I say it that way, because it's my doing, not His, that I haven't been doing what He says to do in my life). But recently, I've been going to church regularly, and tithing, and was recently baptized, and also started going to a devotional group. Which is sooo amazing. It's hard to believe how quickly everything is happening, but I'm glad to do it! And it just feels like my life is becoming more what it ought to be. And that is thrilling. Really it is.

Something old: I'm boyfriendless. Shockerrr.
Something new: it still... bothers me I guess, but the truth is, now that I feel God more presently in my life, I've accepted that that's what my life is. No boyfriend. And I'm kind of disappointed about it, but I figure, the truth is, that's what life for me is meant to be. At least, at this time in my life. I'll just have to wait, and I'm prepared to do that if I must :/ And it would seem I must.

Something old: I want a tattoo
Something new: I want several. "pray" on my right hand ring finger, the Bible verse "Do not be afraid, believe Mark 5:36" somewhere or other, music notes behind my ear, and possibly, somewhere on my body have the phrase "It belongs to God"

Something old: I love crafts
Something new: I will almost definitely be getting a sewing machine for my birthday, now I will be able to sew my own clothes or bags, or whatever else I feel like sewing, which is awesome :)

I can't think of any other olds and news.
So, that's enough for now, and that's good enough.

We're the New Face of Failure

I'm Like a Lawyer, with the way I'm always trying to get you off (me and you)
Fall Out Boy

Last year's wishes,
Are this year's apologies.
Every last time I come home,
I take my last chance,
To burn a bridge or two.
I only keep myself this sick in the head,
'Cause I know how the words get you.

We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.

Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)

We're the new face of failure.
Prettier and younger but not any better off.
Bulletproof loneliness,
At best.
At best.

The best,
Way to make it through,
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize,
Two out of three ain't bad.
Ain't bad.

Me and you,
Setting in a honeymoon.
If I woke up next to you.
(If I woke up next to you.)
Me And you setting in a honeymoon.
(Honeymoon.)

5-second rule

5 seconds can make all the difference. Even if it's just a smile and a wave. That gives you all you need to know.

This past weekend in Florence was wonderful, as always.
Dearly missed them all. Sorry that I wasn't able to see more of them longer, but I figured I'd be back soon, and there's not much more to be done than that.

Today, Nick and I hung out for like, 6 or 7 hours. At one point, we were nearby an almost empty pool and we started making water droplet patterns on the cement and watching the water spread. Like a Rorschach test.
He kept seeing Pokemon. That was kind of funny.
I kept seeing two figures kiss. (just for clarification, when I thought of the 2 figures, Nick wasn't one of them)

I just thought it was kind of sad and all.
There was so much that I learned this weekend. So much that I partook in, and experienced.

But the truth is, none of it really changed much, either what would happen, or how things would be handled.

At least Nick has been doing better lately. I feel a lot less tired, especially after my sojourn in Florence, and I feel like maybe it was just the R&R I needed.
Thank goodness :)

Busy Busy Bee

The first of February, I made this list of goals. I'm going to make it much shorter so it takes up less space, but I can still go through everything I've done.

1. participate in some extra-curricular
2. pass math. With a B
3. play cello more. At least as much as I'm practicing piano right now.
4. be a better friend.
5. keep up with blogging
6. start a dream blog!
7. send a post secret.
8. branch out - make more friends
9. lose weight.
10. love my family more.

Geeze. With explanations, it took up a lot more space than just 10 lines...
Anyway, I wanted to look at this list, and see what all I've accomplished.
I did try out for a play. That's a step. Even if I didn't get a part, I had the courage to attempt.
I did pass math with a B!!!
I still don't play cello that much... or at all :/
I'm working on the be-a-better-friend thing. I think it's working.
I've been keeping up with this blog pretty well, and my dream blog too.
I have yet to send a post secret.
Branching out is difficult when there's no place FOR you to branch, but I'm doing the best I can with my opportunities.. I think anyway.
Nope. I have not yet really lost any weight :/ Lazy arse.. :(
I think it's working. I feel somewhat better about my family, so, maybe it's working.

The point of this though, was for me to say something I felt like needed saying.
I'm not perfect.
As if that wasn't obvious.
But I'm working on what I know for a fact I need to fix.
For example, being baptized. I've known for years that I needed to do that. And now, I've finally taken care of it, which is an amazing thing. But being an amazing Christ-follower isn't about professing his name and then public proclamation of your faith. There's so much more than that.
It's your behavior, it's your language, it's your actions.
Mine aren't nearly where they need to be.
I still want what I want because I want it.
I don't pray enough.
I never read my Bible.

I'm not saying I'm a terrible person. I just feel like there's a lot I still need to work on before I feel comfortable saying I'm a Christian and I love God, and I know that I'm solid in my faith.
Then again, who said having faith meant being in your comfort zone?

I feel like there's so much to do.
I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I want to be.

Nope

I will never be what you want or what you need.
Without shame or sorrow I admit that.
Just disappointment.

I'm Melting! Melting!

Just to see your name there, and know that you are virtually a second away from me.
It makes me flutter all the more to know that we hardly ever talk and I still get this way.

Oh dear, am I a mess.

Emotionally Exhausted

I am completely rent. There is nothing left of me to give.
We've had the same conversation about 30 times. It always ends the same.
You're unreasonable, and you ask too much, even of me.
I can't help you anymore, but I don't know what else to do. There's nothing more to say.
Life right now, for you, is divided into "what I can do" and "what I want to do".
Until you decide that you want to live, I know that you think "I can die and solve it all".
Nothing I say can change that.
I just have to trust that you want to live, rather than not.

I Eye Aye

I make bad choices.
I am not confident.
But I want to be.
I love writing letters.
I want to make a list of things I would like for my birthday.
Most of all I'd like to see my friends more frequently.
I would like for someone to care for me deeply, and be able to show it.
I want to experience a miracle.
I want to be closer to God.
I want to be able to play piano amazingly.
I want to be very well read.
I need to redecorate my room, now that I've got it started, I'm finding it hard to finish.
I wish I believed in my writing.
I wish I believed in my art.
I love the color green.
People are necessary for my survival.
I am not solely dependent on my cell phone, but it definitely helps daily life.
I do not like that no one plans anything in advance anymore. What happened to deciding things more than 24 hours in advance?
I love plants and greenery. They're the 5 best things in the world: the color green + water + dirt + clean-ness + being organic. They're plants..

I am indecisive. And that is one of the most influential parts of me.

5.20-5.24

5.20
Started the day of the trip by spending the most marvelous time with dear friend Zach, whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year, and the daring, darling Soleil whom I also love and hadn't seen in what felt almost as long as I'd seen Zachary.
We watched The Last Unicorn. Which I hadn't seen in at least 10 years or more. Morgan and I used to borrow it from the local library and we both loved it immensely.
I dyed my hair. It's darker brown. I like it a lot. And the people who noticed at all like it too.
I left for Florence. I saw my Starbucks friends. Some of them anyway. I saw Mels. And Kadi. And Jordan New. And August Langley. And met Adam Sims and Grayson Hiatt. I don't remember what else. Mels cooked dinner. For some reason it seemed out of character but it was delicious. Mad props to her.

5.21
Stayed inside all day. Everyone was busy. Mels was working. I was lonely. And read In Cold Blood. Dinner the next night was also made by Melissa and equally delicious. Hung out with August, Jordan, Kadi, Adam and Grayson again. For whatever reason, the sillies were intent on hooking up Grayson and I because we 'look alike'. Psh. As if that's reason enough to date someone.. No thanks. I'm sure he's probably a great kid, but no thanks. I'm not interested no matter how many times you ask. It made Kadi and me laugh a great deal, which was fun. Probably the most laughs she and I have ever shared. She seemed to like me very much, which is still somewhat new to me.

5.22
First day at The House. Accidentally woke up Josh, who answered the door only half-dressed seeing as he was sleeping when I knocked on the door. Brody and I played the keyboard. That was fun. And ended up waking Carrie which made me happy because I had missed her very much. We all had a laugh. And then soon the whole house was up. I don't think we did much that day. Everyone was wandering about in anticipation since that night several of them were barhopping. Carrie and I stayed behind with Brody. And Chris and Rosa. Everyone else left as I recall. Nick called. He mentioned how depressed he was. I didn't realize till he called and mentioned how bad off he'd been. It was terrible to hear how bad it sounded and I felt bad that I couldn't do anything about it.
Carrie and I made delicious real pie which everyone very much enjoyed (before they left for the bars). REAL PIE. N-N-N-N-NOT the FAKE pie.
Carrie and I did things of a slightly illegal nature. We had lots and lots of fun for a while. Watched Sailor Moon. Went outside and enjoyed nature. We had a perfect moment. One of those few which can be replicated. Life, for a little while, was perfect. There was nothing wrong with it. Everything was whole and pure and full of only good. It was one of the greatest moments I've ever experienced in a drive-way at midnight. Then I over-did myself. I went to far and started to get sick. Not before making an ass of myself. I called Sabastian and Nick. I don't remember those phone calls. I don't know what I said. Apparently it was all very funny. I remember images. I remember being sick. Very sick. So sick it felt like all of my insides were scrambling to get out of me. They were doing a bang up job. I laid on the ground for what felt like minutes in recall but was more like hours. Emptying the contents of my intestines. I cried. I remember crying, probably in pain, I don't know why to be sure. I just remember feeling awful. My whole body wracked in agony. I remember clutching a toilet bowl for dear life, feeling as though I'd fall off the face of the earth if I didn't grip it as tightly as my aching muscles would allow. I remember people standing over me, with so many different looks on each face. Some pity, some knowingly, others in determination to get me to stop being sick. Not one face was able. Eventually a friend helped me to bed, where he held back my hair as I continued to dry-heave and rub my back till I fell asleep. Sometime around 5 am.

5.23
The next morning wasn't nearly as equally dreadful. I didn't remember much of the night before. I wasn't even sick. I went to church. Mels made fun of me for being ill. Which didn't help the illness. I got baptized while Mel and Jordan made bets on when I would spew. It was the first time I'd ever been baptized. It felt like the right time. Except for the whole being sick the night before thing. Which I acknowledge isn't good. But I got baptized and that is no small feat in and of itself as I had been waiting on the edge for years, wondering when I would meet that steep-edge running. And I finally did. And I will always remember.
Carrie and I danced in the rain. It was another excellent moment. I wore the same shirt I got baptized in, and it felt almost like a second baptism. The whole day seemed a clear blue. Not that the sky was blue, it was gray, but everything seemed clean and beautiful. And it probably was.
I also found out how much of an idiot I made of myself the night before. Telling people things that maybe they ought not to have known at all. I was so ashamed. Carrie thought it was funny, and I know in retrospect, the moment will likely exponentially multiply in hilarity. At the time, all I could do was blush in shame.
We didn't do much that night. I think I slept most of the day away. I was so tired from the night before. I made brownies from scratch that everyone loved.

5.24
I got up and made omelets for everyone who wanted one. I didn't. I still couldn't eat. Said goodbye to the people who had played host the two nights before. I went to lunch with Carrie and Josh. Where I didn't eat. But we referenced my coming and visiting again very very soon. Carrie referenced how I'd made a fool of myself, but I didn't mind. We'd made a really awesome connection. And I feel like no matter what, we'll always have an understanding. She's a very interesting person. And in some ways, so like me. We made jokes in front of Josh, and he mentioned how excited he was for his birthday. When we got back, they tried to kidnap me so I'd stay, but eventually I did have to leave. We were all very sad. And I hope to be back soon.
I went to Starbucks to say my last goodbyes.
I went home.


And was lonely.

सो सो सो

There's so much to say. It's too late to write it all, and I'm tired, and for some reason I think I may have to work in the morning.. but perhaps not.
I don't know. If I get a call I'll be there. Otherwise, nuh uh.
I'll have to take a big chunk of time out to tell the tales of this weekend.. for they are many.
Interesting and just...
Lessons. All of them.